Thursday, January 24, 2013

The Kind Of Day That Warrants Four Letter Words and Alcohol Before 10am.

Yesterday was one of those days. You know what kind of day I'm talking about. Specifically the kind of day that has you muttering four letter words and yearning for a stiff drink all before 10am. I hate yesterday and I'm so glad that today is today. 

Let's rewind, shall we?

The day started when I had to wake up at an ungodly hour to shower before getting Mac ready for his 9am pediatrician appointment. It's one thing to walk around my house looking like a homeless vagrant but its another to bring your kid to the pediatrician looking like you belong on a commercial with Sara McLaughlin singing melancholy songs in the background. 

By the grace of God I'm finally on the board somewhere between Ragged Mom of Two and Stepford Housewife, obviously much closer to the former than the latter,  and we're out the door with a minute to spare. The husband stayed behind with Carter so that I wouldn't have to constantly tell Carter to stop licking the carpet lest he want to come down with a case of the Bubonic Plague. 

Silver lining?

Our appointment goes swimmingly. Maclane is growing and thriving. Despite being a picky eater I find solace in the fact that there's hope I won't be nursing him until he enters kindergarten. The pediatrician pokes fun at his amber teething necklace and I asked her if she'd like to come to my house only between the hours of 1 and 3am to deal with the cranky teething baby and if she declines than she can just shove her un-funny snide remarks about "where's the chunky hippie baby's patchouli stick?"

Three shots and a screaming baby later, Maclane is stuffed like last week's sausage back into his car seat and I'm rushing to meet The Husband back at the house who is practically going to throw Carter through my open window as I pull into the driveway. So, that's how that feels huh? I had asked The Husband to dress Carter so that I could pick him up and head back out to pick up some diapers because, once again, we're down to two size 6s and I can't have a repeat "Holy shit, we're out of diapers" moment this month. After pulling in the driveway, I quickly run into the house to make sure that Carter is wearing matching clothes even though we're only headed to Walmart. 

The house smells deliciously of bacon and I'm a little sad that I missed a hot breakfast with my boys. Thankfully I spy two tantalizing pieces on counter and promise them I will come back for them later once diapers are in-hand. 

As we're trucking along on our way to Walmart, of course my gas light goes on so I pull into the nearest station to brave the one degree temps and quickly fill my tank. Frostbitten and cursing while trying to catch my breath, I hop back into the car once my tank is full and turn the key in the ignition. 

Nothing. So much nothing. Silence. 

No. No. No. You can't do this to me. I need diapers and it's freezing outside and I'm stuck at a gas station and there's bacon waiting for me! 

Silence. 

Fuckballs. My battery died at the gas pump. Its a good thing I threw on my big girl panties this morning before heading out to the pediatrician. Who knew I would need them to march into the little gas mart and ask for a jump? Well, I didn't need them. Because when I walked into the little quick check, the gas attendant may as well have been Abe Lincoln's mother. 

We're talking pushing about 110 years old here. 

I kindly inform her that I'm stuck at number 8 but that I've called my husband and I'll be out of the way shortly. I had to repeat myself nearly a dozen times because Mother Time's hearing aid must've been low on battery. 

Oh the irony. 

Just as the boys start nearing Meltdown Central and I've sung more nursery rhymes than should be legal at 10am, my knight in shining Under Armour arrives to jump my car. Now's probably a great time to tell you that yesterday was our 10 year anniversary. Ten years ago in a dark dorm room at Villanova (watch yourself, this is not where this is going) a wild-haired, blue-eyed fraternity brother asked me to be his girlfriend. A decade later and there he was jump starting my car in a gas station parking lot while our two kids screamed from the backseat. 

I bet that's not quite where he thought he would be ten years from that day. 

After several minutes of him yelling at me from the frigid cold "NOT YET! OKAY NOW! ASHLEY PAIGE, I SAID NOW!" I was up and running and ready to take on Walmart. Except I couldn't because I would need to leave my car running for a bit longer. Which meant that my husband who had to rush home from a meeting to jump start my car would have to take off to Walmart for me and grab the diapers. 

I know. I know. There's a mail service for this exact reason. I've already signed up for it again for the 30th time. Speaking of diapers, somewhere between my fourth and twenty-fourth nursery rhyme, I could hear Maclane having a blowout. If you're a mom, you know exactly what I'm talking about. I could literally hear the shit creeping up from the top of his diaper halfway up his back. 

Well, at least I could get home and enjoy my bacon. 

I pull in the driveway, unload the kids from the car and we fight our way through the one degree temps back into the house. Literally before even putting the car seat carrier down I head over to the counter for a piece of heavenly bacon. 

Except there is no bacon. Sheepie had hoisted his 110lbs up onto the counter and eaten the two slices of bacon I had waited my whole morning for. Now, Sheepie don't hoist. He's a big dog. Big dogs have sissy hips. Well, ain't no sissy hips coming between Sheepie and his bacon. 

He ate my fucking bacon. 

And that's about the time when I opened a bottle of champagne, mixed up a mimosa, changed Maclane's blowout diaper and sat on the couch with my morning cocktail and a dark chocolate Klondike bar. 

Take that yesterday. Take that. 

36 comments :

  1. Oh my God! That sounds like a terrible day! I would have been crying in a corner. Well... I probably could have made it through most of it, but not the bacon. I hope you cooked yourself some extra bacon this morning!

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  2. Oh mama, lots and lots of hugs- that was my day last week and I wanted to rip my hair out. I hope today is a better one and Happy 10 years I couldn't remember if it was yesterday or today bc mine and the tall one's 11th is Monday- these crazy Villanova boys! xoxox

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  3. Oh, sorry for the troubles yesterday! Hoping today is a better day! Perhaps the SNOW will cheer you up or at least keep Carter entertained for more than 2.4 seconds. I agree that champagne and klondike's make everything better:)

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  4. OMG,what a day!! I am sorry you had such a rough one but you are so good at telling it!! and "knight in shining under armour" is classic!! nothing wrong with champagne in the morning - it is totally a breakfast beverage ;) and although i'm a vegetarian, i totally feel your pain about the bacon...

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  5. Omg! This post is hysterical! Something must have been in the air yesterday, bc we had a day like that too. That cocktail couldn't come quick enough.
    Happy 10 years. And hope your day is better today :)
    P.S. Don't you miss not having to pump in NJ? This is one time of year that I am thankful for it!

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  6. You needed that drink mama. Hope today is better!

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  7. Omg that sounds awful! My daughter Adalyn had her 2 month shots yesterday afternoon and I had a glass of wine poured before 5 pm so I could remain calm through her screaming cries. Poor kids. And then I made dinner, go to put Adalyn in her swing and our yorkie Brutus is on the dining room table eating the first meal I had made myself that day. Thank god today is a new day!

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  8. OMG, well i'm sorry for your unfortunate morning, but it made me laugh. bacon is very important in this household too, so i feel your pain ;)

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  9. I'm laughing so hard right now, and I'd apologize for laughing at you, but oh it's just hilarious. If I had been looking forward to bacon and came home to discover the dog ate it, I would have cried. Actual tears.

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  10. Oh my god. I am laughing so hard right now.

    And the poop to the armpits sound... all too familiar. I have nightmares about it.

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  11. Oh my gosh. I love the way you tell stories. I can't imagine having to deal with ALL of that before 10am. And Sheepie would definitely be on my shit list. No one takes the last bacon from me!

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  12. I just told Skip that we need to incorporate "fuckballs" into our vocabulary more, love it. Hate that you had such a miserable day. Hope today is much better! And happy 10 years to you and M!

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  13. Oh my. And I thought my bad days were bad! Goodness! I hate to laugh, but I really did. Life has a way of throwing curve balls at you, but man that was a big one!

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  14. This should be an ad for Amazon Mom's diaper delivery service because I just signed up after reading this! ha!

    If only they included bacon delivery as part of their service...

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  15. Lol...I am cracking up because I recently had a similar day. I don't judge--bring on the morning cocktails! Hope today is a better day! :-)

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  16. Yikes, that was about five days crammed into one morning. I think I would have thrown a hissy fit over the bacon. I like your drink and Klondike bar idea much better!

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  17. OOOOH my goodness. That is a horrible day! I'm so sorry!

    I hope today is not yesterday :)

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  18. Oh, bless your sweet heart! I would just crawl under the couch! But I love the way you describe it. Crack me up. And three cheers to today!

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  19. Ugh. Definitely a champs in the morning kind of day. I have a bacon-stealing dog too. It seems so small, but to have bacon stolen from you is a terrible thing. Man's best friend, my ass.

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  20. Aw, eff. That's a crappy day. Thank GOD you had champagne on hand.

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  21. Hahahaah! Yes! I love this story even though you lost out on the bacon.

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  22. I just found your blog and I love you already. That was hysterical (I am sure you were thinking that as you were living it). Yay for booze!

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  23. Geesh AP - a morning like that would call for something a bit stronger than champs! Bless M for saving you from both the dead battery AND a trip to Wal-Mart!

    And your "Sara McLaughlin singing melancholy songs" about made me pee my pants!

    Cheers mama! xo

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  24. Oh my gosh - this post made me LOL and made my day (I'm sorry!). I really needed this.

    I hope today is much better for y'all!

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  25. This is my first time commenting and I just wanted to say Hi! (waves!) And I absolutely laughed out loud reading...I had to, because I've been there too! :D

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  26. Maybe my favorite post yet. And I find comfort in the fact that you on occasion crave alcohol before 10 AM too.

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  27. Newest follower- and I just about peed my pants with this post! Holy god if this isnt the truth! so funny

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  28. I love reading these stories. Not that I love when you have these kind of days, but.. you get what I mean.

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  29. hahahaha! you poor thing! I know it was not fun, but that was quite possibly the funniest story i've ever read! Hope today is going better!

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  30. Booze and chocolate sounds like a perfect mid morning snack after the day you had. I'm still impressed you go everyone dressed and out of the house in the first place, let alone clean and fed.

    Come to Ksq, I'll feed you bacon :)

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  31. Hank has introduced me to the diaper blowout..WHY in the carseat??

    We'll miss these days when we're old and reminiscing over cakebread at our retirement condos at the beach, right?

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  32. omfg just how do you not lock urself in a bedroom for a few minutes after that???? oh right bc the dog will drink the mimosa.

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  33. I SO FEEL FOR YOU...BUT...this was hilarious. Thanks for making me laugh and I think you need a day at the spa!

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  34. Time to double up on the mimosa and head to the spa. Screw the rest of the day and freakin' relax. UGH! Hate mornings like those.

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