Monday, February 23, 2015

Sometimes I Like to F With My Kids.

Sometimes I like to fuck with my kids.
I know what you're thinking. I'm sure that makes me sound like a horrible mother, even worse that I so casually drop the f-bomb but it's true. I also like to think that since I'm responsible for keeping them fed, relatively well-adjusted and alive each day, that it's only owed to me to be able to screw with them every now and again.
Take for instance, my middle child, my favorite child. There is this sole pair of pajamas that he absolutely refuses to wear. They could be (and have been) the last pair of clean pajamas in his drawer at night and he would much rather roll around naked on the carpet and throw himself on the floor in a fit of desperation than wear them to bed.
You would think that I'm asking him to do the unthinkable- that I was dipping his fingers in hot wax and plucking off his fingernails one by one judging by the nature of the tantrums that any attempt to get him to wear these pajamas elicits.
Keep in mind, there is nothing wrong with these pajamas.

I have not the faintest idea as to what these poor pajamas ever did to him to make him never want to wear them EVER. In fact, they're a rather adorable pair of soft flannel pajamas that boast a small Mickey Mouse applique and were handed down to him by his older brother who wore them (and loved them) only a year ago. As a matter of fact, I'm almost certain that he would still wear these pajamas if only the pants didn't fit him like a pair of Bermuda shorts.
These pajamas were lovingly handed down to Maclane over a year ago and the child has yet to wear them. With temperatures and wind chills in the negative double digits lately, I couldn't think of a more fitting time for these pajamas to be worn. I've tried bribing and begging but to no avail. 

He just won't wear the damn things... Until two nights ago.
After a particularly busy day of being two and a half, particularly a two and a half year old whose naps are becoming less and less frequent, Maclane made the mistake of falling asleep on the couch before he could make it into the bath before bed.

In our house, falling asleep that early and before baths is akin to passing out after a college rager with your shoes still on. In other words, it's a free for all. Since we've hidden all of our Sharpies (because, toddlers), I knew that I had to think of a Plan B.

Light bulb.

I scooped up that sweet sack of sleepy sugar and whisked him upstairs to his bed. Now, you have to understand that Mackie not only plays hard all day long but when he crashes, he crashes hard as well. There was no waking him.

I peeled off his pants quickly and deftly, changing his diaper with hardly a sigh. And that's when I slid open his drawer, chock full of pajamas in all colors and patterns but the pair that stood out the most to me was that plaid flannel set, boasting that much-loathed mouse.

I couldn't stop laughing. "How sick and twisted am I," I thought to myself. To take advantage of my child in a weak moment, a moment where he wasn't even able to defend himself from The Pajamas. A moment when I could proudly declare, "I WIN!" as I slipped his fast asleep little body into those jammies.

You bet your ass I did it. I slipped him into those jammies so fast- that god forbid he were to wake and demand, "no, mom! no mickey!" and I would have to abort mission. I tucked him in, making sure that he was surrounded by the menagerie he insists on sleeping with each night. Tigey, Bear-Bear, Blue Puppy and Bunny. I kissed his forehead before slipping out of his room to begin the bed time routine with his brothers.

"I bet you can't guess what I just did to Mac," I said to my husband as I began to draw the bath water. "Do I even want to know? Is he going to require therapy later in life because of it because if so, you're totally footing the bill for that one," he replied. 

I couldn't help but go to bed thinking, "I WON," a rather immature thought when dealing with someone thirty years your junior. But hey, a mom's gotta get her licks in when she can, am I right? 

5:30 the next morning I awoke to a rather well-rested and boisterous two year old running into my room exclaiming, "MY SOFT PANTS! I'M WEARING MY SOFT PANTS!" After all, he had just slept twelve and a half hours. I don't think I've been that well rested since 2008. 

His soft pants. The soft pajamas pants that he refused to wear for months have quickly become his favorite pair. A pair that he now requests to wear night after night after night. A pair that brings with it a new concept of "but they're in the laundry" that he can't quite grasp. 

So I wash them. So that he can wear them. Night after night after night. 

Which begs the questions, "who really won after all?" 

Toddler - 673 , Mom - 5.    

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Kids and Cars: Is Your Car Kid-Proof?

When I think of the word kid-proof, I immediately think of those silly doorknob covers that make it nearly impossible for a grown adult to open their own bathroom door without busting into the pee-pee dance while they simultaneously twist, turn and squeeze that plastic contraption. Sound familiar to anyone else? Anyone? Bueller....?

One thing I do not think of when the word kid-proof comes to mind, however, is cars. Which, if you think about it, is rather silly because believe it or not, cars are kid-proof. At least, so are the ones made by Chevy or GM.

I thought it might be interesting to get a kid's take on what it means to be kid-proof, along with some other ideas on riding in cars safely and I'm so glad I had my four and a half year old on hand to take on the task. I'm also quite proud of him for knowing who the better driver is in our family. I'm sure his answer had nothing to do with the fact that the named driver is responsible for feeding him 3+ meals per day...

To read about a time that I was especially grateful for a "kid-proof" car, head on over here. Be sure to share your own stories of a time when you, too, have been thankful for a "kid-proof" vehicle!
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Thursday, February 12, 2015

The Elusive Date Night.

This post is sponsored by Rack Room Shoes.
I used to laugh when my kid-less friends proclaimed an ordinary Wednesday evening as "date night!" Often times it was decided ever so spontaneously and it never involved waiting on anyone else to come to fruition-including but not limited to the arrival of a sitter or the complacency of a rebellious toddler who suddenly decided that any activity that didn't involve you stationed within a 6 inch radius of them was for the birds. 
It was even funnier to me when these kid-less friends would wax poetic about their "date night in-" quiet, relaxed evenings chock full of wine, takeout, DVR'd favorites and ultra-late bedtimes with little to no consequence of this lateness the following morning, because, let's face it, they stayed in bed until noon which is what you do when you don't have three tiny humans poking you in the eyeballs and demanding sippy cups of "OWNAGE JUICE, PWEASE" at five-thirty in the morning.
Date nights once you have children are as elusive as the majestic unicorn your child keeps asking for for their 3rd birthday. Not only do they involve actual work to schedule them (clearing calendars, hiring sitters, etc.) but often times they also require actual physical work such as the calisthenics required to squeeze into several layers of Spanx just so that you can fit into your MILF-jeans.
Trust me, I get it. Date nights are just as important to a marriage whether you have kids or not but the reality is, once you have kids the entire date night experience changes. Prior to having kids you made a quick trip to the mall to pick out something new to wear, you probably talked about worldly matters over dinner, indulged in maybe one or two extra glasses of wine and stayed out well past your bedtime.
After having kids, "quick trips to the mall" don't exist and chances are you recently had a baby (recently as within the last two years) so you have no idea what size clothing you actually wear, you talk about Kindergarten applications and the latest Disney Jr. marathon during meal time then decline that extra glass of wine so that you're not slurring your words when you have to pay the babysitter later and stay out just past the kid's bedtime so that for once, for the love of all things holy, you aren't responsible for reading JUST ONE MORE story and coercing three tiny, manipulative terrorists to stay in their beds and go to sleep.
How do I know this? Because I've been there. As a matter of fact, my husband and I just went on our third date night in just as many years. I'm kidding, mostly, as we've clearly been on at least twice the number of date nights as we have kids which I will admit is never enough date nights but at this point in the game, we take what we can get. Although we've mastered the Date Night In After You've Drugged The Kids To Sleep it's nice to get dolled up from time to time and remember why you fell in love with each other in the first place.
And I'll give you a hint- it has nothing to do with the way your spouse sexily changes the baby's diaper.
When getting ready for Date Night After Kids, time is of the essence. You may not have countless hours at hand to primp and preen like you once did- often times, dry shampoo, eyeliner and a top that doesn't beg the question "is that chocolate or poop?" will have to suffice. 
The following look is nearly effortless, trust me. Not only does it quickly and easily transition one from Exhausted Mom of Three to Hot Mom; Kids? What Kids? but also it showcases quite possibly my favorite trend in footwear: the neutral bootie. (Shoetie? I'll never know but I do know that I've never met a bootie I didn't like and this pair from Rack Room Shoes does not disappoint).
sweater (on sale!) / leather leggings (similar) / bootie (on sale!)

sweater (on sale!) / leather leggings (similar) / bootie (on sale!)
This date night outfit wins additional bonus points because it feels like pajamas boasting an oversized chunky knit sweater and leggings that feel like butter. Dressed up for date night or dressed down with a casual pair of skinny jeans and plaid flannel shirt, the neutral booties are icing on the proverbial ensemble cake.
I love shopping Rack Room Shoes for a variety of reasons. Not only do they offer name brand on-trend footwear for the entire family but they do so at a cost that doesn't make me want to hide the receipts from my husband (come on, I'm not the only one who replies, "these old things? They're not new, you just don't remember when I bought them!) Rack Room Shoes also boasts an every day promotion of "Buy One, Get One 50%" on ALL available styles. You can pretty much guarantee to buy two pairs of shoes each time you shop because the deals are just that good.
Lastly, the Rack room Rewards program allows customers simple, instant savings with perks such as exclusive discounts, coupons and $15 in rewards for every $200 spent on their every day top brand merchandise.
Check out some of my other bootie/shoe-tie recommendations here and be sure to visit Rack Room Shoes before your next tri-annual Date Night!
this post is sponsored by Rack Room Shoes.
All opinions expressed were honest and my own.
I did receive product in exchange for these opinions but not additional compensation was received.
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