Monday, April 14, 2014

Soaking Up The Moments And Screwing Up The Groove.

I've found myself trying to freeze certain moments to memory these last few days more so than ever before. It's almost as if my subconscious takes over and is all, "STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND REMEMBER THIS. REMEMBER THIS FRAGMENT IN TIME BECAUSE YOU'LL NEVER, EVER GET IT BACK." And I feel like I should be doing more. 

More before we become this family of five. 

I know why- I know it's because we're just a week away from adding another little human to the mix but it feels different this time. A little bit rushed, maybe. Like maybe we're not ready after all. I mean the thought of three kids under 4 makes me nauseous today. Not something I thought much about ten months ago. Well played, motherhood.

And by "not ready" I mean, we are technically ready. I have boobs and a bassinet and diapers and wipes and really all the things one needs to survive at least the first six weeks of newborn-dom. We're prepared, there's no doubt. I just am not quite sure whether or not we're ready. But are you ever? I should know this. This isn't the first time I've done this.   

I've found myself creeping into the boys' rooms at night and staring at them. Committing to memory Carter's crazy post-bath curls and how sometimes they plaster themselves in a sweaty mess around his ears and down his neck. How he sleeps so peacefully and how it's the most quiet he is all day. No unreasonable demands being made like "take the skin off of my apple but not all the way and then make it look like a dinosaur." Like, what does that even mean? 

I've found myself really trying to soak in more of Maclane. I think this is where I feel the most rushed. I'm not ready for him to sacrifice his role as the baby of the family yet. Obviously there isn't a whole lot I can do about that now but it saddens me to think he'll be giving up this role so soon. Every single day he grows an inch, I'm sure of it. His baby chub is all but gone and he's turning into this wily, passionate, lean little boy before my eyes. This little boy who has full on conversations with you about birds and trucks and movies and playing at the park. I'm afraid that when this new baby arrives, I'll miss these moments. I will rush these conversations and take them for granted. 

I wish these moments weren't so fleeting. 

I've found myself thinking much less about this new baby because I've been so wrapped up in the living of every day life. Having your third baby is so much different from having your first. There's just so much less time to focus solely on him. I haven't thought much at all about what he might look like. Something that nearly consumed my days when I was pregnant with Carter and even some with Maclane. 

Will he have blonde curls like Carter? His Daddy's coloring? Or will he favor me and look more like Maclane? Or will he completely break the mold and be the perfect mix of the two of us? For the love of all things parenting, I hope he sleeps better than Maclane. I don't want to wish this last week away but I almost cannot wait to find out. 

Soon, I know. It's funny how this last week can be both the shortest and longest week of one's life. 

As for me, I'm trying hard to be the graceful, gracious, patient pregnant lady these last days but it's really, really difficult. Things are starting to swell, standing, walking, sitting and downright breathing have all become uncomfortable and oh, the comments that roll in when I step outside of the house. Just this morning I heard, "you look like you're about to topple over!" while standing in the pre-school drop off line. Oh, bless their hearts.

I think someone should conduct a study about the amount of money a woman spends throughout her pregnancy. I have a funny feeling that it nearly quadruples during the final week of pregnancy. I mean, there really isn't much else I can do and Amazon Prime just makes it oh, so convenient. I know the two lamps I ordered for our bedroom are driving my husband insane. He doesn't understand why we needed them. I don't understand why he can't just appreciate them for what they are in their stunning mercury glass glory. I mean, they really do accentuate our headboard. 

I know, I've officially lost it.

I'm looking forward to my days in the hospital. Despite the hefty insurance bill and the major surgery, I'm looking forward to getting to know this new little baby. Just the two of us. I'm selfishly looking forward to having meals delivered to me and being able to actually download and read a new book. Something I haven't done in way, way too long. 

But I'm going to miss our family of four dynamic. I mean, we were just getting things down. Really easing into our groove. People might actually look at us while we were out and about and think, "wow, she really kind of sort of knows what she's doing." 

Little do they know...  
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  1. Your older two will still have moments to be soaked up after your new lil one is here. Dont worry. :) there will be sooo many more moments now with three. There will still be individual quiet times with each during naps and the times daddy takes one and leaves you with the others and vice versa.

  2. Shew this post made this Pregnant girl cry! I have a lot of the same feelings, I'm expecting my 2nd in August, and just want to savor these moments of my 2 1/2 year old boy being the baby. Time already flies by and I know it will go much faster once #2 gets here. Wish you all the best & love reading your blog, your a fantastic writer!

  3. It will be fine. I promise. I mean, it's tough. It really is. But there are beautiful moments too where I look around at my three kids and thank God for the priviledge of being their mama. I just wrote a post about what it's like to have three kids. You might enjoy, my dear ;)

  4. I felt the same way days before my third baby boy was born. This first year is a wild ride but it feels so wonderful to have that tiny baby in your arms again. I am new to your blog and one day when I was about to lose it on my 4 year old for waking the baby I actually stopped and read it to calm me down and appreciate the moment. Thanks for the inspiration..

  5. Have you seen the movie About Time? It really made me slow down and appreciate everything around me, taking mental pictures and notes. With a 10.5 month old and a baby on the way, I'm not ready for her to give up her title as the baby yet either and I have felt so split emotionally about her not having enough time alone. I'm going to have a big baby and a little baby and it will be really great for her to have a companion so close in age but I've been torn up at various times about it. Savoring the moments is just so important when you have kids...

  6. Yep you just summed up my life! I have three boys, 4 yrs, 2 yrs, and 2 months. Yes to everything you just said!!

  7. Keep those feelings. Hold them tight. I'm a Dad. My boy is 13 now... it will shock you how fast time goes by. I have a blog of my boy's art that he created. I stopped updating it in 2006 (for no reason). He drew these when he was between 3 and 6. Keep up your blog. Scan images of your kids "art" and post it into another blog.

  8. you're just awesome. you make me want to go have a third baby, like, now. so if you get an annoyed email from my husband... ;)

  9. can't wait to see this new little carrot of yours.

  10. You will get into a new groove quickly. I promise! Good luck to you during these last few days. I can't wait to see pictures of the little one!!!

  11. I feel like that's exactly how I felt between 1 and 2. I got pregnant so quickly with Gray that I really wasn't as ready as I thought. I swear I spent the whole pregnancy dumbfounded. I grieved the loss of Monroe's babyhood-even though he was 2.5 when his brother was born. I didn't have a whole lot of anticipation about my new baby's arrival. It was just totally different than my first pregnancy, but when he arrived, it was like none of that mattered anymore and that little guy was just so totally mine. Their daddy didn't have any of that preliminary anxiety, but he had a little cry session when he went home to check on big brother. We were all tired and emotional, but it's definitely an adjustment.

    Glad I'm not the only one who loves that hospital time. Despite the late night interruptions, it's so peaceful. They kept trying to tell me I could go, but I knew my insurance covered 2 sleeps and I got my 2 sleeps-both times!

    I have 2 friends with 3 littles where their third is the perfect mix of the first two. It's like they're the missing link.

  12. You may me laugh. Best of luck, and you will enjoy every moment!


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