Thursday, September 6, 2012

The Day I Wanted To Crawl Into A Hole And Die.

I'd like to take a minute and pat myself on the back for making it 25 whole months into Motherhood without yet experiencing one of those "I'd Like To Crawl Into A Hole And Die Because That's My Child" moments. I mean, that's pretty freaking great, right? 

Twenty five whole months without feeling like a complete and utter fuck up. Not too shabby, AP. Not too shabby.

If you live along the Eastern Seaboard, you know that Isaac has been dropping a shit-ton of rain all up and down the coast this past week. What you may not know is when you mix three plus days of rain with one angsty cabin-fevered Toddler, you damn near get the Jekyll and Hyde of children. 

We're talking Children of the Corn type crazy.

It was about the time that Carter started sprouting fangs on Monday that I knew we needed to flee. We needed to escape the confines of the house and seek out a change of scenery. It's bad enough that we're in New Jersey this week without Our Usual Billions Of Toys Of Distraction, but throw in three days of torrential downpours and I knew we were headed for Trouble City.

So, where does one turn when in need of a pick me up and a change of scenery? 

Barnes and Noble, of course. The smell of books and a latte for me and a germ-infested-but-not-too-infested-like-the-one-at-the-doctor's-office train table for Carter plus a little extra room to roam seemed like the perfect cure to the Cabin Fever Crazies. An absolute win-win if I do say so myself. 

Being Labor Day and all, we were also in the company of my Dad. With an extra set of hands, Carter's favorite set of hands, to be exact, what could possibly go wrong?

As Carter played diligently with the train table, refusing to share the sole choo-choo available for play with the smelly little boy whose mother also had the same bright idea as I (that's my boy!), I perused the aisles of educational toys as my Dad perused the Healthy Cooking section. 

This happy little scene continued well over forty-five minutes. Just as I was patting myself on the back for a successfully orchestrated outing, Carter started playing "tag" with the smelly boy. I'd like to think he was just trying to keep his distance from The Funk but no, they were in fact playing some sort of I Chase You, You Chase Me game. 

Being that the bookstore was rather empty, I let Carter continue to run haphazardly through Barnes and Noble. 

Mistake number 1. 

As Carter took off for the front of the store, I abandoned both my latte and my post at the head of the jogging stroller and took off after him. 

Mistake number 2. 

You see, toddlers are like dogs. When  you chase them, they only laugh at you and run further and faster. 

And that's when Carter ran behind the mile-long bank of registers at the front of the store. The mile-long bank of registers that had nearly a mile-long line of patrons impatiently waiting to check out with the pizza-faced boy behind the only functioning register. 

I tried to maintain my cool. Speaking in low tones I sternly told the toddler to "FREEZE!" 

And here is where it all went downhill. 

If a part of his vocabulary, here is where The Toddler basically told me to "fuck off" as he figuratively flipped me the finger and continued to run to the end of the register bank. Just as I was meeting him there, he turned around as if on a dime and darted back the other way. 

Behind the mile-long register bank. In front of no less than 18 people. 18 people who I had to politely excuse myself in front of as I weaved in between them trying to cut my Toddler off at the pass. 

WHY THE FUCK DO THEY MAKE THOSE REGISTER BANKS SO LONG? WHY ARE THERE NO OPENINGS? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE AN OPENING!

And the velvet ropes. This isn't a goddamned movie theatre. OH THE VELVET ROPES. 

Had there ever been a time when I wanted to crawl into a hole and die, this would have been it. 

I could practically feel the judgy eyes burn deep into my soul. The burning judgy eyes of 18 people who could have easily stepped in to corral the Toddler as he dodged my every calculated move. 

At the very least, one of those 18 could have at least stuck their leg out and tripped him up a bit. Anything to slow down the blur that was my child. The disobedient blur that was running amok behind the register bank at Barnes and Noble as I chased after him, unsuccessfully I might add. 

To add insult to injury, it wasn't even I who caught up with him. It was the store manager who successfully scooped him up, further bruising my Mom-Ego as she said, "no, no, no! we don't run around in stores like this. don't you know any better?"

To which I wanted to retort, "No, you fuckhead. He doesn't know any better. If he knew better, he wouldn't be doing it. And since you seem to be the child whisperer, how about you take over mothering him for me? Clearly I'm doing a terrible job of it."

And that's the story of the day I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. But I didn't. Instead, upon immediately arriving home, I went online and googled "Kid Leash" as I uncorked a bottle of wine.

Happy Thursday, Loyals. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. 



44 comments :

  1. At least you will look back and LAUGH at it when he is 18 or so :)OR perhaps when he's 13 and too cool for school. I babysat a little boy for YEARS and one day we were at the hardware store of all places and he did the same thing to me, well except I wasnt his mother (I was like 16 years old) and the store manager told me to contain my son, as I was explaining he wasnt my son, he had the nerve to come flying down the isle yelling MOMMY at the top of his lungs. Talk about embarrassing and oh yeah great birth control for 15 or so years :) I should have thought about that before now, hmmm...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hilarious!!!

    Aren't they fun?

    lisa

    ReplyDelete
  3. I've been there..I've been there.
    Happened to us at the library once and then we had one of those power struggle moments last week at the grocery store where graham felt it better to lay on the grocery store floor and play with his cars...while others just looked at me...

    I like to think..this will pass...this will pass

    ReplyDelete
  4. I am so not above a kid leash. At all!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Haha---I was just talking to my husband about Barnes and Noble this weekend. He wondered why I never took the kids there---and the sole reason is now that my second is 21 months and a major spitfire---I refuse to drag both boys there for what I know will be a major meltdown disaster. Where is there left for us to go?!?!

    -Julie
    http://www.thechirpingmoms.com

    ReplyDelete
  6. I laughed through this post and felt your pain. I'm impressed this didn't happen until 25 months. Oh those kiddos!!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. omg AP...if anyone can make me laugh at their troubles, it's you. Especially since your resolution is exactly what mine would have been. I've seen pretty adorable little leash backpacks at TJMaxxx - I hear they work well (at least according to Modern Family episode).

    I do have to commend you for the genius idea - I'm logging the B&N idea in the back of my head for the winter-time when my own little toddler begins to go stir-crazy.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Way impressed you made it 25 months. I hit my 'crawl in a hole and die' moment at 15 mos I think. Awesome. And, I definitely purchased a kid leash, seemingly as my child crawled out of a shopping cart she was strapped into when my head was turned to put freakig diapers in the cart. Bottoms up!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh friend, I really couldn't help but laugh when I read this!!! Because I truthfully appreciate your honesty and truthfulness in sharing the good days and the not so good days of motherhood!!! I'm not a mother myself, but speak on behalf of them when I say I know they appreciate that!! Xo

    ReplyDelete
  10. Haha oh yes, been there! Oldest was 2 at the time, scene of the crime was a bagel store. Oldest had a SHIT FIT when I would not let her have a cookie the size of her head at 10am. On the ground, screaming, kicking her feet. Icing on the cake was the "Princess" across her cute little purple velour Gymboree-clad tush. Perfect. I had already ordered, and had to wait to pay, kicking and screaming toddler under my arm. By the time I got to the register, paid, forced out "I'll come back for it", and marched out through the (now silent) bagel store through a sea of judgey eyes. Luckily hubs was on the way, and when he pulled into the parking lot he found me crying tears of anger, frustration, and humiliation in the car. I told him "I AM NOT GOING BACK IN THERE." and sent him in for the bagels...aghhh. Will never forget that, EVER.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Haha oh yes, been there! Oldest was 2 at the time, scene of the crime was a bagel store. Oldest had a SHIT FIT when I would not let her have a cookie the size of her head at 10am. On the ground, screaming, kicking her feet. Icing on the cake was the "Princess" across her cute little purple velour Gymboree-clad tush. Perfect. I had already ordered, and had to wait to pay, kicking and screaming toddler under my arm. By the time I got to the register, paid, forced out "I'll come back for it", and marched out through the (now silent) bagel store through a sea of judgey eyes. Luckily hubs was on the way, and when he pulled into the parking lot he found me crying tears of anger, frustration, and humiliation in the car. I told him "I AM NOT GOING BACK IN THERE." and sent him in for the bagels...aghhh. Will never forget that, EVER.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Haha oh yes, been there! Oldest was 2 at the time, scene of the crime was a bagel store. Oldest had a SHIT FIT when I would not let her have a cookie the size of her head at 10am. On the ground, screaming, kicking her feet. Icing on the cake was the "Princess" across her cute little purple velour Gymboree-clad tush. Perfect. I had already ordered, and had to wait to pay, kicking and screaming toddler under my arm. By the time I got to the register, paid, forced out "I'll come back for it", and marched out through the (now silent) bagel store through a sea of judgey eyes. Luckily hubs was on the way, and when he pulled into the parking lot he found me crying tears of anger, frustration, and humiliation in the car. I told him "I AM NOT GOING BACK IN THERE." and sent him in for the bagels...aghhh. Will never forget that, EVER.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I'm sorry, but I had to laugh. And shake my head in the "i've so been there way". I learned the hard way that E doesn't get down in stores as she ran and darted away from me numerous times in a Belk once, giggling the whole time like a possessed demon child. Kid leash? I'm on it.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Dear God I totally get you. I, in fact, have many times (pre-child) spouted off how kid-leashes are for parents who are lazy. BUT now that I have a crazy wild 3yo who can run faster than me, I really really REALLY think kid-leashes are a decent idea. Remind me to google that later - winter is coming...

    ReplyDelete
  15. Dear God I totally get you. I, in fact, have many times (pre-child) spouted off how kid-leashes are for parents who are lazy. BUT now that I have a crazy wild 3yo who can run faster than me, I really really REALLY think kid-leashes are a decent idea. Remind me to google that later - winter is coming...

    ReplyDelete
  16. Laughing at your post, all the while looking at my precious sweet sleeping 3 week old son...my only child...quietly begging him to never do something like that.
    Thank you. lol

    ReplyDelete
  17. Kids are funny. One day you will look back on this and laugh. My daughter Emilee did this at a Blockbuster once when she was about 2.5 and Zack was about 1. That was hard work trying to get her and then she proceeded to PUKE, yes vomit, chocolate candy and milk in the checkout line. Fun times!

    I have used a "leash" on all 3 of my kids but only at places like the fair or amusement parks or the mall during Christmas shopping. LOL! They are not EVIL like some people say. My youngest son, Colton 2.5, says "I be puppy, momma!" and he is so freaking happy to wear his leash! LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  18. This is one of the many reasons why I fear the toddler years.

    ReplyDelete
  19. You make me feel normal!! Thank God for that and for alcohol! I have to bribe my 3.5 year old so that we don't have this scenario happen.

    ReplyDelete
  20. As I read this, I could vision it being me and Grant doing the same thing. I am not sure how a little three year old boy, can cause me to be on the brink of a nervous breakdown some days, but he can. You are doing a great job AP, we all have those "fun" days! :)

    ReplyDelete
  21. My heart goes out to you, and I'd be sending you a bottle of wine (or ten!) if I could! That butthead manager will definitely e having demon children, it's karma! :P xxz

    ReplyDelete
  22. I'm sure you handled it well. We all have had or will have these moments...I'm so glad you are able to laugh yours off. That's the best way to handle it :)

    ReplyDelete
  23. Omg...I would have wanted to kill that store manager. Thanks for catching him but let's drop the attitude shall we. I'm fairly certain that people forget what 2 year olds are like. That's probably for the best however as I'm sure our population numbers would surely suffer if we all carried the vivid memory of these trying days. I'm sure you know this, but it never hurts to hear again....we all have these days! Ick.

    ReplyDelete
  24. LOL! Sorry to laugh at you friend, its just that i can totally relate. I have crawled into that hole many times. My kid is ridiculous.

    ReplyDelete
  25. AP!!
    I'm trying to sit here in my office, peruse my favorite blogs in a "oh yes, I'm doing work over here, hunched at my computer like this" sort of way, and then YOU make me laugh! laugh like I might pee my pants laugh, and whooosh. cover blown. Because no one pee their pants laughs while typing up invoices.

    Thanks for blowing my cover.
    And the laughs.

    Much love.

    Mallory
    fromcaliforniatokansas.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  26. As soon as you have more than one kid, you need a leash! No joke! The bad thing about kid leashes though--it's 50/50 on what people will think. I once took my kids to the mall, Fin wasn't even 2 yet but on his little leash, Miss Maddie in the little kiddie stroller. I got a few WTF stares and a few "you are a genius mother" stares! One woman even said to her teenage son, "I wish they had those when you were a kid!"
    Take my word for it though, my son was happy, Miss Maddie was happy not having to share her little mall stroller and this momma was happy not fighting with small children while trying to sort of shop.

    ReplyDelete
  27. I registered for a kid leash. Seriously, it's like a backpack monkey thing. My friends gave me tons of shit about it, but I told them to suck it, because I'm too fat and slow to chase after a crazy toddler.
    xoxox
    Megan

    ReplyDelete
  28. i just love your honesty! Can totally relate, although I only have one child, he is 18 months old, and he gives me these kind of moments quite frequently... he is a spitfire.

    ReplyDelete
  29. As I was reading through your story, I thought something you later said "why couldn't one of these other people stop him!?!" *sigh*
    Guess people don't like to get involved.
    Sorry to say this made me laugh, my son has done many-a-thing like this. He's almost 7, I feel as though he'll never stop doing stuff like this. Lol.

    ReplyDelete
  30. My son is almost 3, and this sounds like our outings a LOT of the time. Your story gave me a good chuckle, though. (Only because I have been there) & btw... I have a kid leash. My family didn't understand it at first until they really went out with him somewhere. Now they ask me, "I thought you had a leash? Where is it?!"

    ReplyDelete
  31. OMG, I love you! I am so sorry you had to experience that. If I were one of those people in line I probably would have tripped him for you. LOL! WTF was your dad doing during all this? Way to help out, dad!

    ReplyDelete
  32. I love your honesty AP! love it! and love you! and need to email you about blog sponsoring!!

    ReplyDelete
  33. lol!! Don't ya just love toddlerhood?! And yes everyone needs a leash!!!

    ReplyDelete
  34. Please get a kid leash---so that you can blog about how awesome it is. Thank you for posting this! Sorry for your embarrassment :( Hopefully you'll be able to look back and crack up at this moment someday.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Best story eeeevaaaahhh (said in singsong voice)! I'm sorry for laughing at your misfortune, but you are a fabu storyteller :)

    And legit, if I had cojones, I would have punched that man in the face for such a douchelord remark. I mean really. Obviously he has no children.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Ok, I had to laugh but I would have been mortified as well! I get red in the face when my kid cries in public. Haha. I'm just not used to all this yet!

    Anyway, Someone should have tripped that boy!!! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  37. I was gasping at the store manager's comment and I think Hubby thought someone died. Um, the store manager clearly has no children and if they ever do they will be colicky and smelly and everything your precious boy is not. I'm sure no one in line judged you. Love the stick a leg out thing! I'm sure they didn't know what to do. I would be afraid of a mom yelling at me for grabbing their kid.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Judgy strangers in public make me damn-near violent. Help a girl out! And that store manager must not have kids of his own - or is so delusional on how to discipline them because maybe his poor wifey handles it all!

    Glad that your dad was there to witness all this. I'm sure he knows you don't make this stuff up! :)

    ReplyDelete
  39. Huge pat on the back for making it this long without a public humiliation stunt. Brace yourself, my friend, it's only just begun.

    ReplyDelete
  40. I too have had "the day the leash doesn't seem so bad" day recently. I think it's 25 months thing bc we are right there with you!

    ReplyDelete
  41. I too have had "the day the leash doesn't seem so bad" day recently. I think it's 25 months thing bc we are right there with you!

    ReplyDelete
  42. Good Times~ it will make for a fantastic, far, far into the future story :)

    ReplyDelete
  43. I am now researching ways to keep my child from walking, ever.

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for reading ILYMTC. If you have any questions about a post or want to get in touch with me (or any of the cast of characters here at ILYMTC) email me at iloveyoumorethancarrots(at)gmail(dot)com.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...