Thursday, February 16, 2012

I Swear, I'm Not Eating A Bean. Or Tripping Balls. Or Smothering The Donkey. I'm Just Pregnant.

{Sidenote: I don't even know what "smothering the donkey means,"  but after having turned to Twitter for some help with "catchier phrases for 'doing drugs,'" it just seemed fitting. Especially after some of the ones my fellow tweeps shared with me.}

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If I had to guess, I would liken pregnant hormones to being something akin to dropping acid. Forget mild haze inducing marijuana. We're talking balls out mind-altering, hallucinogenic craziness here. Shrooms, even. Totally tripping balls, for sure. 

In case you don't remember my last pregnancy, I wrote here about some of the crazy dreams I'd been having. These included but were not limited to being chased by the lion from Narnia and a lovemaking sesh with Captain Jack Sparrow, dressed in full pirate garb, mind you, that could rival any porn video.

I'm not kidding, Loyals. These pregnancy dreams are nothing to laugh at! Okay, so maybe they are and clearly that's why I'm driven to share them with you. As pregnancies tend to go, these dreams have returned but with a vengeance. Literally.

In the beginning, the dreams I'd been having were violent with a capital "V." As a matter of fact, they would often leave me waking up in the middle of the night, sweating profusely and practically jumping out of bed to make sure all doors and windows were locked. 

For example, one of the earliest dreams I can remember having involved both my brother and my husband. Now, these two love each other dearly but in my dream? They might as well have been mortal enemies. Sadly, I cannot remember what sparked their feud but before I knew it, I had dreamt them into an all-out battle, complete with ninja swords and brass knuckles. As I slumbered, both my husband and my brother were virtually beating each other into bloody, shredded messes. Granted, this may or may not be attributable to the fact that I was simultaneously reading The Hunger Games during my early weeks of pregnancy. 

The following week, I dreamt myself into incarceration. For stealing not one, not two but thirty-seven packs of watermelon Bubble Yum. How did I conceal these packs of gum, you ask? Oh, obviously I meticulously velcroed them into the lining of the trench coat I had been wearing before exiting the store. But not without first yelling, "MY BABY NEEDS GUM!" Thirty-seven, Loyals. Thirty-seven.

Most recently, I saw the movie The Vow. Unless you've been living under a rock, you know that this is the new sappy and utterly romantic love story based on a true event starring the most handsome Mr. Channing Tatum. You see, Loyals, I went to this movie with high hopes. Upon seeing Mr. Tatum's nakey tush, I willed against all things pregnant and hormonal and hoped and prayed that I may slumber that night having inappropriate dreams of him, similar to the ones I'd had with the pirate-clad Mr. Depp just two short years ago. You know, minus the pirate costume because truth be told, I'm not really into that. Arrrgh.

I'm here to tell you Loyals, no such luck. 

Instead, I dreamt that I had gone fishing, by myself, in a big ol' red canoe. No Channing Tatum or his nakey hiney in sight. In fact, the lake in which I was fishing was completely barren. Save for the toddler that I caught. Yes, Loyals. I said toddler. And let me tell you the fit I threw when I realized what I had caught. I mean, who freaking goes fishing for a TODDLER? Didn't I already have one of those? Clearly I didn't need another. Oh boy, was I tickled. 

No sane person has these dreams, Loyals. Rather, no sober person. Had I explained these dreams to anyone unaware of my human-baking situation, I'm fairly certain they would have demanded that I pee in a cup on the spot. 

The moral of the story? Don't mess with pregnancy hormones. Too bad I couldn't bottle this stuff up and sell it on the black market. 

Happy Thursday, Loyals! 

22 comments :

  1. Funny.... er, interesting? dreams.... You must wake up and by all "wtf?!?"

    ...was it at least YOUR toddler you caught?

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  2. This is the best blog post ever! No wonder you were asking for drug slurs on twitter. Ha! This is great!

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  3. I am sorry for laughing...kinda....but I've hady share of crazy dreams while preggers too!! You crack me up mama!! Hope the crazy ones go away and the Channing tatum ones start soon!!

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  4. Lol this had me dying laughing. I'm pregnant with my first right now and the dreams have been off the charts complete with ex boyfriends, cult sayances, random job offers and much more. And I'm only 11 weeks! Crack for sure!

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  5. Wow, this is so hilarious! For us readers that is. How freaking bizzare. I never even heard of pregnancy dreams but they are obviously real. Hope your dreams turn into something nice for once...like with some action with Mr. Tatum. And when this does happen you better post about it :)

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  6. I'm 28.5 weeks now and my dreams are crazy as well. I dream about my friends getting fat (when really it's just me getting fat) and adopting puppies and kittens. Crazy weird.

    Samantha @ myfulllife.blogspot.com

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  7. Omg. I'm dying. How come I didn't get dreams like these while preggo???!??! Channing just did not deliver. That is so unfortunate.

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  8. That is hilarious! I laughed out loud while reading this post. Thanks for the laugh this morning. :-)

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  9. Bahaha! You, my friend, are freakin hysterical. I had crazy dreams with both pregnancies. Now I'm pretty sure I don't even get into REM sleep anymore!

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  10. Bahahahaha!!!! This freaking cracked me up!!! And I would be sorely disappointed by the absence of Sir Tatum's hiney as well. :)

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  11. So do you recommend The Vow? Did it live up to the hype?

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  12. Well, thank you for this, I almost spit out my coffee reading about how you compare pregnancy hormones to that of doing drugs.

    I would have to say I agree.

    And good luck with the heartburn, it sucks!

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  13. Loved this post! Had me laughing out loud from the start!!!

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  14. OMG! I had such similar insane dreams during pregnancy!I really thought I was the only one, HA! And you could make bank selling preggo hormones, someone should figure that out :)

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  15. Ah! Nobody talks about how CRAZY pregnancy dreams are... but they are seriously RIDICULOUS! Every single night I go to bed wondering what my dreams will bring that night... My hubby is constantly entertained.

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  16. AHHAHA you are so funny! I had some crazy dreams too! but nothing like yours!

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  17. This was awesome! I had crazy dreams while pregnant, but none quite as crazy as these.

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  18. Wow, holy crazy dreams Batman...those sound insane...haha...but this knocking the boots with Jack Sparrow, now I could go for a dream like that.

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  19. Oh my gosh, I had crazy dreams BEFORE I was pregnant- now they're insane!! I can't watch scary shows anymore either; the killers always visit me that night.

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  20. I don't miss pregnancy dreams. I honestly don't miss much about pregnancy, but especially not the dreams.

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  21. I feel so much better now...I'm 7 months pregnant and have been having naughty dreams about Tim Tebow. I just hope Jesus can forgive me.

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