Thursday, October 15, 2009

Not Your Usual ILYMTC Post.

Even I know we can't always be sunshine and gumdrops around here.
And I struggled big time while writing this post and sharing it with the web world.
But, it's a part of my life!
And that's why I blog.
To remember. To share.

May 26th, 2008

I remember walking up to my husband as he stood in the kitchen making dinner that night, hands shaking with that feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I had just gotten home from work, still wearing my scrubs.
I was
Unsure. Anxious.
Excited. Nervous.
Although my husband and I were unbelievably shocked and most definitely unprepared for that little pink plus sign that quickly appeared before our eyes, we embraced our discovery with both our arms and hearts wide open.
Although we weren't trying, as a matter of fact, we purposefully not trying (Go us!) we began to embrace the new life we created and as that new life grew, so did our excitement. Each day I awoke and thanked God for this new life and before bed, I prayed each night that He would keep this new life safe and healthy, if that's what was meant for us.
I remember saying those words out loud, over and over again.

We bought baby books. We talked the name game. We pictured our baby inheriting my husband's curly hair, his freckles, my long legs and dark eyes, my allergies and our shared history of having to wear glasses since grade school. (Ha!)

Hubs patiently put up with my mood swings, my aversion to chicken and my ravenous appetite. He listened to me whine all day, every day about feeling nauseous. And absolutely exhausted.
We shared our news with family and friends.

We went on a previously planned vacation to Martha's Vineyard and each time I took at those pictures, I think, "I was pregnant then." Four weeks later, we vacation again in Ocean City, Maryland and I miscarried just shy of my 14th week, in August of 2008.

Just when I thought the worst was over
and I was in the clear; steadily trekking our way into the 2nd trimester.

I remember my husband running every single red light on our way to the nearest emergency room. I remember the admitting nurse, as she placed my IV, saying to me, "Is this your first pregnancy? What a bummer."
Never. In. My Life.
Admitting ER Nurse, if you're reading this, your cold bedside manner put many nurses to shame that day. I was embarassed for you.

Hubs and I look back now and we laugh.

My husband held my hand the entire time. He brushed my hair off my face and kissed my tears. He made phone calls I didn't have the words to make.
He held my IV bag during countless trips to the bathroom.
He did so much more.

And I knew then, God had other plans for us.

I can't say that my miscarriage shed new light on my faith, or that I wasn't angry with God or myself at times, because I was. I struggled. Some days, I still do. But, it did reaffirm that sometimes cliche and antiquated saying, "everything happens for a reason."

Someone told me, "Maybe God wanted us to have the perfect baby."
And that seemed like the best consolation at the time.
I knew we weren't ready.
People will say, "Oh, you're never ready!"
But we were still getting to know each other as
husband and wife. We still had places to see and things to do
before begining our family.

What I went through, phsyically and emotionally, strengthened my relationship with my husband in ways I never thought were possible. We grew together in both grief over what we lost and happiness as we made new plans for our future together.
My love for him grew tenfold
as I watched him push aside his grief to console mine.

We brought Sullivan home two months later.
And we couldn't be happier.
We make EXCELLENT dog parents.
Deep in my heart,
I know this is exactly where we are supposed to be right now.

I'm scared for the future.
I'm afraid that it might happen again.
But I know I have to have faith and trust in the simple fact
that there is someone else out there with a plan for me.

And if and when we see
that little pink plus sign again?
We'll be ready.
Afterall, those maternity Citizen jeans that I
spent a ridiculous amount of money on are
tucked away in a box in the attic.
With our books.
And our journals.
And our very first ultrasound.


  1. My heart and prayers go out to both you and your husband

  2. Oh my gosh... Im sooo sorry.... hugs to you and your hubby... I have never seen that ribbon before... but this has touched me... xxxooo

  3. I can honestly say that I have never cried reading someone's blog before...until today. God bless you both, for all you have been through and the fantastic plans He has waiting for you!!

  4. Oh honey. You brought me to tears. I had no idea this happened to you. I'm so, so sorry. But my heart is also glad that you have found peace with what happened to you and it has made your relationship with your husband and with God stronger. My thoughts are prayers are definitely with your family.


  5. wow what a beautiful heartfelt post. It's always amazing to me when a blogger reveals her heart you're such a strong person and I commend you for your honesty and willingness to share your experiences. Love and prayers to you.

  6. I loved this post. You did such a great job writing about something that is hard to process and accept, much less blog about. xo

  7. I'm so glad you shared this. I think your faith will help a lot of other women that might be struglling with the same thing. I can't imagine how hard that was, but it seems like you and your husband made the best out of it that you possibly could.

  8. I just started to cry a little bit reading this post - I'm so proud of you! Hugsss

  9. Wow. I am humbled and amazed at the strength of you and your husband.

  10. Oh my heart is aching for you and your husband... my thoughts and prayers to you both!

    As you stated everything happens for a reason, and when the time is right... god will bless you once again!

    Lots of love!

  11. Oh AP, thank you for sharing your story, that must be so difficult to discuss and I admire your so much for talking about it. I teared up reading what you and your husband went through - but having trust and faith in God, just like you're doing, is the right thing because He does have a plan for you and your family. I wish I could give you a hug my blog friend!

  12. Thanks for sharing that. I feel the same way with my miscarriage July of this year. My ultrasound is tucked away as well. Thinking of you today!

  13. Lots of love and hugs and prayers for you. Your strength and faith are amazing. I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. Thank you very much for sharing.

  14. You brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for writing this. For all of us, who have been here and know how this feels but are not brave enough to talk about it:)

    Bless you.

  15. So touching and so brave of you to share. Im so sorry for your loss.

  16. thank you for sharing... it is absolutely heart breaking. Thinking of you on this day!

  17. I am so glad you posted about this. Thank you for emailing me months ago and telling me your story...

    I have to say that the perfect baby consolation didn't ever soothe me...I guess nothing really does. But, that our memory will always remain and I can recall all the joy that was brought to me through that pregnancy and that little life...

    and same for you...


  18. thank you soooo much for at least sharing that with us.
    Josh was my guest blogger today on my blog and it was all fun and joy... but your so right. it's that special person that does those little things for you and stays with you through it all that makes things so much better and worth it.


  19. I miscarried last November, and my biggest fear is that it will happen again...but one of my greatest comforts is knowing I'm not alone - and neither are you :-)

  20. wow i am so sorry! i think that you are incredibly strong for keeping your faith and keep going! I know that one day you guys are going to be incredibly blessed!!!

  21. My prayers go out to you. Thank you for sharing your touching story.

  22. What a beautiful post. I admire your strength for getting through something to horrible to even imagine.


  23. What a beautiful post about a tough topic for lack for better words...I'm teary eyed! You're stronger for it:)

  24. This was a beautifully written tribute... I admire your perspective and strength, and I also believe that everything does happen for a reason... and sometimes the reason is quite hard to see when we're caught up in the middle of life, but someday we'll be able to look back and finally say, "So this is why..."
    I'm so glad you have Sullivan and I know you're amazing doggie parents, and someday, when it's meant to be, you'll make incredible baby parents too :)

  25. I'm left speechless. I too, went through the very same thing. Words cannot take away the pain, so I won't try. But do know, there is hope- nearly 6 months after I found out I was pg the first time- I got pg again. I"m now 18 weeks today and praying every day for this little one who will soon bless our family. The Lord knows the timing and He knows when you will be "with child" again----and when you can bust out those OH SO FABULOUS CITIZENS JEANS! I'll be praying for y'all whether you are trying now, or not-He will bless you at just the perfect season in your life. For now, enjoy that pup and live one day at a time! Blessings to you!

  26. Oh sweet girl, what a story! I have goosebumps! Your strength and understanding is so inspiring. Thank you for sharing this. I, too, believe that everything happens for a reason. He has big things in store for you - all in due time. Love and hugs to you xoxo

  27. I know this is an older post, but I just read it and had to comment.

    It's never something that you get over, trust me, I know. But I feel the same way you do. That maybe it just wasn't time, maybe something better is in the cards... You've just got to have faith that's what it is. I'm sorry you had to go through this and prayers go out to you that you never have to experience such again...

  28. *Hugs* I never knew this.

  29. Oh Ashley! This post brought tears to my eyes. Thanks for sharing - again. Thinking of you this month. xo

  30. You will be in my thoughts today, Ashley. Thank you for sharing.

  31. I've read for a while, but never read this. Bless your sweet self. Just look now- look what a blessing God has bestowed on your family. Sweet Baby Carter. Hugs and Kisses to you sweet girl!



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