Dear Unknown Firework Setter-Offer in the Wee Hours of the Morning,
Are you serious with yourself? What in the world gave you the bright idea to set off multiple rounds of fireworks in the park RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET FROM MY HOUSE repeatedly between the hours of 12:45am and 3:45am? Newsflash, but it is not the 4th of July. Or any other holiday that denotes the setting off of said fireworks. Did it not occur to you that some people (ie: myself) are responsible adults with real jobs that require not only restful sleep but also waking up at 5:am? I'm sure you thought you were all hip and cool and whatnot, but the truth is, I want to punch you in the kidney. You're lucky I didn't call the cops. Why didn't I? Maybe because I was too stoned from the marijuana smell wafting into my house through the open windows. Take heed, my assinine friend, I will not be nearly this nonconfrontational next time. I secretly hope you shoot your eye out.
All my love,
Sleepless in the Philadelphia Suburbs