Monday, November 12, 2012

"Is That Chocolate Or Poop?"

Most days, I wear my Badges of Motherhood proudly. 

I'm not just talking about the physical badges, mind you, meaning not just the stretch marks, the under-eye bags, the day-old spit up on my earlobe. I'm talking about the figurative badges as well. The "I Survived The Toddler Stomach Flu Badge," the "I Successfully Transitioned To A Big Boy Bed Without Duct Tape And Minimal Bribery Badge" and my personal favorite "I Gained And Lost Over 100lbs. In Three Years And All I Have To Show For It Is Two Kids And A Raging Muffin Top Badge."

But there are always a few badges of Motherhood I could do without, ones that I thought I might skirt by without earning. Specifically the "I Cleaned Poop Out Of My Carpets Before 7AM On A Saturday Badge" alternatively titled, "Is That Chocolate Or Poop?"

Our weekend started off just like any other. After the boys went down to sleep on Friday night, The Husband and I curled up on the couch with a bottle of wine, a few oven S'mores and our DVR. Sure we stayed up a little too late but not too late that we couldn't use the iPad and Toy Story to our advantage come 7am the next morning. 

I could have sworn my head had just hit the pillow as The Toddler roused from his peaceful slumber at 6:00am the following morning. I'm not even sure  my eyes were open as I grabbed the iPad from our dresser and stumbled into his room, setting him up with a movie in bed as I had done so many mornings before. 

I should have known something was awry when by 7:15am he hadn't made a peep. Looking back I must've had a strange sixth sense about the situation because I insisted The Husband go check on him. 

It was then that the fateful words were uttered. In an almost dream-like state, I could hear my husband say, "Is that chocolate or poop, Carter? Chocola- and WHY AREN'T YOU WEARING ANY CLOTH- WHERE IS YOUR DIAP- OMG. Honey. HELP ME!"

And just like that I had earned the badge. The badge that accompanies a Toddler who so wryly removed himself not only from his zippered footies jammies but from his soiled diaper as well. Who, once having removed himself from said necessary items didn't stop there. One who proceeded to rub said soiled diaper poop-side-down along a three foot carpet radius in the hallway.

As The Husband clamored to get The Toddler into the tub with minimal poop exposure to the rest of the hallway, all I could was laugh. Laugh and thank God we had purchased a Bissell Spot-Bot when we first brought Sheepie home four years prior. If you had asked me back then if I thought I would be using it to clean my child's poop from my hallway carpet, I would have laughed in your face. 

Motherhood, this was one badge I could've done without but I will wear this badge proudly now. I will show this badge off among my many other Badges of Motherhood. Why? Because this badge made me wiser. 

You see, after bath time each night? The zippered footie jams go on backwards. 


  1. Welcome to the club! I've earned that badge 2 {maybe 3} times now. Thankfully it was never rubbed into the carpet though. Can't say the same thing for the dogs bed. YIKES!

  2. Note to Future Self: Zippered Footie Pajamas go on backwards.

    Thanks AP!

  3. LOL! I know this will be me someday so I have to laugh. I recently earned the "My baby found and ate petrified cat puke from under the couch" badge. I swear I have a clean house! LOL

  4. Haha, been there, sorry mama. Landon grew out of it fortunately after a couple of months of backwards pjs. ;)

  5. Hahahahaha... That happened to us on vaca last year. Connor was only 15 months old and he ran away from us after getting him out of the bath and plop, plop, plop behind him they fell. On brown carpet. And he stepped in it. Multiple times. Needless to say, he got another bath! Gotta love being a mom!

  6. Thank you so much for giving this tired mother of two something to laugh about!! Gotta love the badges of motherhood!

  7. Thank you so much for giving this tired mother of two something to laugh about!! Gotta love the badges of motherhood!

  8. hahaha, thank you for the laugh AP! :)

  9. thank you Tom Cruise this has not happened over here yet. BG started taking her clothes and wet diapers off which was bad enough. Nothing like changing sheets twice a day to get the water bill up. She grew out of that (after the jammies started going on backwards), but she does like to slip you a fast one every now and then. The other day, I woke up to a filled with piss diaper flying into my room and the toddlet screaming "get me up now Mommy!!!". So that's fun.

  10. Ha! I hate to laugh but we've had two very unfortunate poop incidents (one baby, one dog, and the dog one also involved couch vomit) here within the past week and it was atrocious.

    If you ever wondered, poop is near impossible to get out of a Pack & Play (those things just weren't meant for cleaning). And the GD dog diarrhea'ed in front of the door to the garage while we weren't home, so when I opened the door... poop schmear everywhere. Of course, I didn't notice it until I walked through it in my lovely new boots. Boots that then required a cleaning with a toothbrush. After it was finally cleaned up, I noticed MORE poop in the kitchen. After THAT was cleaned up, I noticed the couch vomit. It's like the dog's sole purpose in life is to puke on our couch. Oy.

    So, I feel ya! I love reading horrendous poop stories. This totally made my day ;-)

  11. note to self- next time leave these kinds of stories to read when im NOT eating pulled pork that's brown and

    and omg. bring on the duct tape?


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