Wednesday, May 30, 2012

I'm Doing It.. Or Well, Talking About Doing It.

This post has evolved over quite some time now. Initially, it started as an, "How Do You Even Have Sex At The End of The Day I'm So Tired?" post, dabbled in the "You Do Know Sex Can Sometimes Lead To Babies, Right?" post to today's carefully constructed, "All I Want To Do Is Have Sex and Can't For The Life Of Me Without It Looking Like A National Geographic Expose," post. 


Before I continue, let's get something straight here. Unfortunately (for The Husband) I was never one of those pregnant women who immediately upon peeing on that little plastic stick wanted nothing more than to reenact every single raunchy porn video ever created. 


Basically, I haven't wanted to touch sex with a 10-foot pole since I peed on that overpriced piece of plastic rendering those incredible words "Pregnant." Just the mere thought of having to engage in such an act would send me into The Fake Sleep and Snore that I've come to master oh, so well. 


The question I would like to pose today is: Why is it that now that I'm fiending for it, it's like the goddamn Kama Sutra olympics have taken over our bedroom? We're talking muscles cramping, hips popping, numb hands, bellies bumping... Okay, you got me. It's really only my belly that's bumping anything. 


But for the love of all things coital, can't a girl just get laidGo ahead and laugh but no amount of pillows, creativity or flexibility could help me now.


Sidenote: As I re-read that last paragraph, I have to laugh out loud and wonder, "who the hell is this chick and where was she hiding the last nine months?" If in your head you made some brilliant Fifty-Shades "inner goddess" remark, don't fret, I almost wrote the same thing but I assure you, E.L. James used the phrase "inner goddess" enough for all of us for the next fifty years.


Wait. Did you all think I didn't have sex? I know this is oft a taboo subject, especially to write about on one's blog, sharing it with the entire world wide web, but somebody had to say it. 


I know I can't be the only one in this awkward sex-crazed ship. I hate to break it to you, Loyals, but that's how we got ourselves a Carter. 


Speaking of sex, although I may be fiending for it now, I cannot express the degree of my affinity for the Six Week Wait. You know what I'm talking about- those wonderful, blissful six weeks of fresh newborn-dom when you're basically walking around topless, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, with a baby hanging from your boob muttering obscenities to yourself, when, most importantly, sex is absolutely off limits. 


...And after that wonderful mental picture, I wonder why The Husband ever wanted to sleep with me again, too. I ask myself this all the time. 


Swimming and baths are also off limits which I'm a bit bitter about- but no sex for six weeks? Sign me up.


Loyals, let's just say that Six Week Wait is akin to the much coveted grade school hall pass.  


The moral of today's story, Loyals? Get all of the "good sex" in now. Pre-Life-Exhaustion Pre-kids. Pre-pregnancy. Because nobody every tells you that when you want it the most, it's all downhill from there and may even land you a National Geographic contract.


Happy Wednesday!


43 comments :

  1. I'm totally one of those people who gets a somewhat crazed sex drive while pregnant. I think the first time it had a little something to do with coming off of the pill which always decreased my drive (and the fact that Craig was in Afghanistan, so sex was literally off the table for like 7 months of my pregnancy). When he got back, I was 5 days before my due date, and we made up for it! I don't remember it being really painful or uncomfortable, just awkward, with lots of joking about traumatizing the baby.

    This time? My drive's up again, but his is somewhat down, probably due to the fact that he's not one of the guys who finds pregnancy really sexy (deserves a nut punch for sure) and MAYBE also due to the fact that I only shave my legs every other shower because I've got a toddler crashing them all now or screaming like a banshee outside and throwing herself from things.

    This is life. I'm going to remind him when he gets home from this work trip that he'll only have a little over 6 weeks left of this pregnancy to get it on and then he's cut off for a while. We'll see what happens!

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  2. OMG. LOL Thank you. Yes, I am very similar to you in this area. Most of my pregnancy i want nothing to do with it. When I finally want it- well its scary. Lots of belly bumping, hurting hips, all those other things. Its laughable. In fact, sometimes thats what we do-

    Thanks for writing what so few would. For me this post is so true.

    Can't wait to be unpregnant- with toddlers(or is it teenagers...gah!) that sleep all night and a body that will be back to semi-normal state and sex won't be such a joke- this time comes right?

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  3. Praise the Lord for the six week wait! I told my hubby it was 3 months but he didn't buy it. ;)

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  4. Haha you always crack me up mama! Sex is just so funny with pregnancy! I am now almost 3 months out of pregnancy and laughing with my husband that I wish I was pregnant so we could have sex more, ya know the kind that wont result in another baby because there is already one occupying your womb! Haha

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  5. My first pregnancy, I had zero sex drive. Literally. I would have to gear up for the act all day long, and hope that all the mental preparation would get me somewhat ready. This pregnancy, I just feel normal... nothing huge, but nothing missing. However, that's not really what I wanted to comment about. I couldn't help but think of our go-to position in the 3rd trimester... do you have a horizontal surface in your room {or house} that is the right height for you to sit on while you, um, do the deed? =) It makes it super easy, comfort wise because you don't really have to do anything at all except sit =)

    ps. hands down, this is the weirdest comment I've ever left on a blog in 2 years =)

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  6. Hahaha! I love you! This post was seriously amazing! I miss pregnancy sex! Not that I don't love sex now, but there was just something about pregnancy sex that was just amazing! I dreaded the six week break. Lol.

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  7. This post is amazing! You are super brave! I was sex crazed by 7 months but M couldn't get over the "hurting the baby" thing. I

    After my section i told him it would be longer than 6 weeks b/c I needed to heal

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  8. This post is cracking me up! I am feeling ya sister!

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  9. Ha! I was like that my third trimester too. Why did my body wait until it was physically impossible to MOVE to get horny? Not funny.

    Also, EL James uses the words "Inner Goddess" as much as she uses the term "he touched my sex"

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  10. Haha. You are brave to right about this. But as always thanks for sharing. Definitely makes for an entertaining read. :)

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  11. Haha! I feel your pain girl! I am a week overdue and willing to try anything to get this baby out. 3rd trimester sex is not for the faint of heart.

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  12. Hmmmmmmm......what does it say about me that I got a foot cramp two weeks ago and I'm NOT pregnant?! I guess I need to eat a banana. I remember with my first I lied after the 6 week check up and told him I had to wait two more weeks. My bad! Getcha some, girl!

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  13. LORD HAVE MERCY! YOU WENT THERE! HAHAHAHAH! I LOVE IT! TOOOOO FUNNY!!!!!

    Brave girl! ;)

    Thanks for the entertainment. Yet again!

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  14. LORD HAVE MERCY! YOU WENT THERE! HAHAHAHAH! I LOVE IT! TOOOOO FUNNY!!!!!

    Brave girl! ;)

    Thanks for the entertainment. Yet again!

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  15. I'm new to the blogging world and just found my way upon your page. Oh my word, I haven't laughed so much in my life....not kidding. I can remember having all those same thoughts when I was pregnant. I look forward to following you especially if all your post are as witty as this. :)

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  16. I'm new to the blogging world and just found my way upon your page. Oh my word, I haven't laughed so much in my life....not kidding. I can remember having all those same thoughts when I was pregnant. I look forward to following you especially if all your post are as witty as this. :)

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  17. Bahahahaha!! This is what is on every woman's mind and everyone is afraid to say it out loud!! PTL for THE SIX WEEK WAIT!!!!!

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  18. how interesting! thanks for the info :)

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  19. Everyone thinks this, but you said it...BRAVO girl!! :)

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  20. You crack me up! I didn't really crave it during my pregnancy either.

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  21. About the time mine returned my husband had hit "Yeeesh" stage and I literally begged the night before I went into labor to get me some. At that point I was 2 days overdue and "That" was the only way I was going to go into labor anytime soon. I guess he's forgotten, but it worked .... we had a baby the next day at 5pm. The hip popping, belly bouncing mess ----- along with "OW OW OW!" and Hubs says, "Are you ok??!?!" "Um, I think, if I just twist, no ... wait. Um. Ok, hold on. I .... Yah, I think I'm ok."

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  22. 2nd time around I felt like a beached whale...so it was the farthest thing from my mind...1st time...why not??

    Hahaha...loved that you went "there"

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  23. I feel ya! I was the same way at nine months along. The most inconvenient, unflexible time to be cravin the "fun"! God has a sense of humor!

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  24. Too funny! I wanted nothing to do with it until the 3rd tri either and then it was more work than enjoyable!

    I'm definitely gonna enjoy this 6 week wait :)

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  25. You're too funny!

    Since getting pregnant it's like someone hit the off switch on my sex drive. It's long gone.

    When I do muster for the hubs he refuses if the baby's moving (she might be awake) or if he thinks about it too much.

    Love this post!

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  26. Heehee! Love it!

    Now how long will it be before you start getting offers to market porn on your blog? :)

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  27. Our "six week wait" turned into the 2.5 month wait and HOLY HELL MY VAGINA IS BROKEN WE CAN NEVER HAVE SEX AGAIN WAIT. obviously, we did. But holy ouch balls. That is one reason to envy c-section momma's. Vagina stitches are a biyatch. Meh, they both have their ups and downs I guess. :)

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  28. Like Katie, my 6 week break was a 10 week break. I do not want to let that happen again. My poor husbnad. although, he was super understanding. It was SO SO SO psychological for me. It really wasn't that painful when we finally did the deed but it took a lot of mental prep.

    And, like I said on the twit, I wasn't sure what your perspective was going to be - but I am in THE same boat. Now that I'm all whale like and awkward, I actually want it again. It's frustrating.

    I tweeted a few weeks ago that there should be someway that someone tells you the last time you have a good sleep and the last time you have good sex in pregnancy so you know it's done and you know to savour it.

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  29. Yeah I had a longer break like Katie and Lucy. I didn't give myself or the hubby a total break though because I like to keep him satisfied. Had to resort to other matters which I don't think most women are fond of. Silly man wants another baby. Don't think he realizes with two how much the frequency of sex will go down!

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  30. oh your lucky lucky husband - how happy he must be! I want absolutely NOTHING to do with sex at all and I'm almost in my 3rd trimester. I'm hoping my sex drive kicks into gear soon, because otherwise my husband is going to be stuck doing things solo for a while longer than he already has. =/

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  31. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! You didn't just go there, you dove in head first. Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

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  32. You crack me up! I totally agree and was the same way in all facets! AND I love that you threw in that dig on the "inner goddess" I am SO sick of hearing about that inner goddess ( almost done with book 3)

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  33. Great post! I'm still laughing out loud! Not a momma but actually ttc so I'm going to take your advice.
    Thank you for keeping it real! I mean we're all grown up after all aren't we? ;)

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  34. awesome. i had my midwife tell my husband it was a 6 MONTH wait.

    she and i both laughed.
    he didnt.

    enjoy the "time off".

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  35. Two words: spooning position. Happy Hump Day!

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  36. @Jessica - I was totally thinking the same thing - "inner goddess"!! This post is so great! :) After reading all these comments, I can't wait to see what all the fuss is about!

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  37. You said what we're all thinking, at least what I'm thinking - so thank you! I have wife-guilt over this all.the.time. When we first started doing it we were like rabbits...but never again, seriously. It took me a LONG time to get out of my not-wanting-sex post-partum funk the first time...now I feel "obligated" to have sex when I'm pregnant this time, I aim for once per week...but if I don't hit my "goal" I don't fret! Feels really good, better this time than last, but it's hard to WANT to do it. I'm glad I'm not the only one who loves the 6WW excuse! I hated hated HATED sex after Braden was born, never thought we'd have another child again! Mind you, hubs is in the proverbial dog house and has known better that I am NOT in the mood lately. Nice to have that "hall pass" sometimes! ;)

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  38. You know, you are one of very few Mommy blogs I read for this very reason. You share interesting things and you know what? I actually learned something as a bride-to-be. Have sex pre-baby. Yes ma'am! I'll remember that one!

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  39. I was a FIEND the last month of pregnancy. FIEND. It was SO BAD that I would have sex with my husband in the morning, afternoon when he came home for lunch, again when he came home from work and then wonder why he didn't want to do it at bedtime. Insane!

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  40. Swimming is off limits!?! That's heartbreaking!

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As always, thanks so much for reading ILYMTC. If you have any questions about a post or want to get in touch with me (or any of the cast of characters here at ILYMTC) email me at iloveyoumorethancarrots(at)gmail(dot)com.

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