Everyone reassures me that soon enough, I'll look back and wonder how we ever functioned as "just a family of three." That it will soon feel like M2 has been a part of our family all along.
I have no doubt that will eventually happen- but right now? It's difficult to find solace in that reassurance, considering this awful feeling that I have.
I can't put my finger on it. I can't give it a name. It's not "mom guilt" necessarily- as I do not feel "guilty" that I'm giving Carter a brother, a playmate and a built-in best friend for life.
In fact, I'm beside myself excited to watch my two boys grow up together- leaning on each other, learning from each other, encouraging each other and heck, getting into trouble together.
Perhaps it's a Mom-fear.
You see, the thoughts and feelings I have center more clearly around a fear that Carter will feel neglected. Cast aside. Loved less those first few weeks of newborn-dom that we all know are a blurry frenzy of hormones, tears and "what the hell are we doing?"
That's what hurts the most.
Did he have enough time as an only child? Did we spoil him enough? Does he know how much he is loved and that his Daddy and I are so incredibly thankful for the gift he gave us, making us parents?
These questions I ask are rhetorical and deep down, I know the answer is yes. But I can't help but doubt myself for a minute. I can't help but think, "maybe I could have done more."
Thankfully I'm reassured in the fact that M2 will never remember those first few weeks- and if I'm lucky, Carter won't either. I guess that's the benefit to having kids so close in age.
Nobody remembers their beginning.
But I will.
For now, I'll find reassurance in the fact that Carter will grow up knowing no other way. To him, he'll always have had M2 around and soon enough?
My love for my sons will multiply and be shared two-fold and for now? That's almost enough to ease these silly Mom-fears.