Tuesday, May 15, 2012

I Didn't Think I Would Feel This Way

I didn't think I would feel as if I would be robbing Carter of his Mama for weeks on end with the impending arrival of his little brother. As each day passes and I find myself closer and closer to M2's birth date, suddenly, it's all I can think about. 


Everyone reassures me that soon enough, I'll look back and wonder how we ever functioned as "just a family of three." That it will soon feel like M2 has been a part of our family all along. 


I have no doubt that will eventually happen- but right now? It's difficult to find solace in that reassurance, considering this awful feeling that I have. 


I can't put my finger on it. I can't give it a name. It's not "mom guilt" necessarily- as I do not feel "guilty" that I'm giving Carter a brother, a playmate and a built-in best friend for life. 


In fact, I'm beside myself excited to watch my two boys grow up together- leaning on each other, learning from each other, encouraging each other and heck, getting into trouble together.


Perhaps it's a Mom-fear.


You see, the thoughts and feelings I have center more clearly around a fear that Carter will feel neglected. Cast aside. Loved less those first few weeks of newborn-dom that we all know are a blurry frenzy of hormones, tears and "what the hell are we doing?"


That's what hurts the most. 


Did he have enough time as an only child? Did we spoil him enough? Does he know how much he is loved and that his Daddy and I are so incredibly thankful for the gift he gave us, making us parents?


These questions I ask are rhetorical and deep down, I know the answer is yes. But I can't help but doubt myself for a minute. I can't help but think, "maybe I could have done more."


Thankfully I'm reassured in the fact that M2 will never remember those first few weeks- and if I'm lucky, Carter won't either. I guess that's the benefit to having kids so close in age. 


Nobody remembers their beginning. 


But I will. 


For now, I'll find reassurance in the fact that Carter will grow up knowing no other way. To him, he'll always have had M2 around and soon enough? 


My love for my sons will multiply and be shared two-fold and for now? That's almost enough to ease these silly Mom-fears.


28 comments :

  1. I felt the same way when I was pregnant and my daughter was 22 months. I was so worried about how she would feel but it was great! She loved him and still got tons of attention. It was an easy transition for her.

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  2. These are totally normal feelings and I won't tell you not to feel this way. It is sad to say goodbye to the days when it is just you and your firstborn. And even when M2 comes you will look at Carter and burst into tears as you mourn his baby days because he will seem SO big in comparison. :( but you will watch them learn from each other. They'll learn to share your time and attention and their toys. There are amazing moments and challenging moments. But your heart just grows! And you will love them equally, but also in different ways too. It's the most amazing thing. I'm so excited for you to experience this!! Xoxo

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  3. I feel that same way that you as you! My daughter will be 22 months with baby #2 is born, and I feel as though I'm giving her the short end of the stick. Everyone keeps telling me that things will work out, I guess I just have to wait and see.

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  4. I remember those feelings well. You are doing great. Carter likely will need some special Mom time and Dad time, but you are capable of that... Even more - you will know when it's needed. Hang in there!

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  5. Last summer my first was 18 months & I was getting ready for #2. I was not emotional the whole pregnancy & then at the end started feeling the same way your are. It was about 100 degrees & I was 9 months pregnant taking her to the park, the zoo etc because I felt like I would never get to do that with "just her". I even bought her goldfish for some bizarre reason. I used to cry putting her to bed.

    Two things I didn't think of then: The new baby sleeps so much in the beginning that your playtime with #1 doesn't get cut too much & Baby #2 will be out & about pretty quick & fall into the routine you & #1 have (going to the park, library etc).

    It actually took a lot longer then I thought for #1 to even realize we had a new addition. For us, it wasn't really until #2 started grabbing at toys that #1 really noticed much.

    Now that we are 9 months in it really is hard to remember a time without 2 kids. I also have had more time with just #1 then I had thought - naps, occasional babysitters for the baby while we did stuff etc. Wait until you get used to taking both to Target or the grocery store & then just take one....you'll think WOW one kid was so much easier then I thought!

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  6. It's like you're reading my mind. We have 3 weeks left as a family of 3 ( yikes) and I can't help but feel a little sad for Bennett. I know that sounds crazy because I'm so excited to add to our family. One thing I know we are going to try and do when baby girl comes is have "dates" with just Bennett so he feels special. Ahhhh, I'm so excited for y'all!

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  7. I felt the same way when Connor was born. Actually, at first I felt anger that I was even pregnant (he was very much a surprise). Then I felt scared that I didn't have enough time with Brayden (they're 19 months apart). Then I went through a battle against semi-post-partum depression in which I felt like a terrible failure to BOTH kids. And then, about 6 months post partum, I climbed out of it all and realized that I had two of the greatest blessings in BOTH of my sons. Now I LOVE it. And you'll find that you will make it more a point to spend quality time with each child after that 2nd one comes along, which I think sometimes goes missing if you just have one. You can do it AP!

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  8. Yesterday I ran into a mom at the grocery store who was with her 6 week old baby. She commented on my belly, and asked how far apart our kids would be. I told her 22 months, and she said her daughter was just 2 when their second was born. She told me her daughter was so sad, and so depressed for weeks. This made me start crying. Right there in the store. Because I have been feeling EXACTLY the same way recently. But you know what? We will get through this...and the mom at the store told me it was harder on her as the mommmy than on her kids. And I think I would rather have it that way, for Charlotte's sake :). Thinking of you, and praying for our sanity!!!

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  9. Oh I hear ya' girlfriend, I'm feeling the same way. No advice here, just reassurance you are not alone! I worry all the time that I won't have enough time for him or that I won't be as patient, etc.

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  10. I know there's nothing that anyone can say that will really ease your fears. You just have to experience it all yourself. But I felt the same things before I had Charlie. But that's the great thing about newborns..they're so portable! The only time Emmy had to wait for my attention was when I was feeding C...and that's what Disney junior is for:) Other than that I just strapped C to my chest and went about the normal day! You'll find your rhythm sooo quickly with two!

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  11. If I could have written this myself, it would have said exactly this. Precisely the reason I"m not PG and we're still a family of 3. I'm scared. I don't want Easton to feel left out, cast aside. It'll all work out. Carter and M will be BEST FRIENDS! Those first few weeks will be an adjustment, but its gonna be good momma. You're gonna just burst with love like you've never known. And then...you can help me through when it's my turn. ;)

    Love you momma!

    xoxo

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  12. I don't blame you for feeling this way, you have a special relationship with Carter, being your first born. But you're right, in the end you are giving him a lifelong best friend...what could be better than that?! :)

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  13. I could have written this very post, lover. I am so in the same boat. I feel like "Is Evalyn going to miss out on a rockin' summer because I'll be cooped up with a newborn on my boob?" ... add in moving to a new house that needs major work and blah, blah, blah ...

    She loves babies. I know she will love our baby. And I know I will love watching them together, but those feelings still remain. Have I given her enough? Will I be able to give her enough over the next coming months?

    I better stop now or the tears will start.

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  14. I'm not even pregnant and I can relate to all these feelings, thoughts, and emotions so clearly! Of course we think often about when we will add baby #2, but in the back of my mind I wonder HOW can I ever add baby #2 when baby #1 is right here right now?!?!? Sounds silly I know. I'm sure it is one of those things that works itself out over time!

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  15. You took the exact thoughts that have been in my head for weeks now and laid them perfectly out in these words and this post. I have no doubt that you will do great and the moment you watch C love on M2, your heart will melt.

    Although I can offer no advice, I can offer reassurance that you are not alone in these feelings. I am right there with you step for step.

    We will get through this, right?

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  16. You know I have a 13 year old, 11 year old and 2 year old. When I am so busy with Colton (the 2 year old) and I feel like I am neglecting Em and Z, I start to think/feel what the hell did I do to them by having another one so far apart in age? And then I see them with Colton and how well all 3 of them interact and love each other and I forget any fear/doubt I had. I can't wait to see pictures of Carter with M2!!

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  17. Besides the fact that I want to give you a big hug, I just love this post.

    As we "gear" up to start trying for baby #2 there are days I'm so excited to bring another person into our family and to provide a friend and sibling for Mia, but there are days were I just like it to be the 3 of us. I often wonder how the heck am I going to handle 2 kids.

    How you are feeling is completely and totally normal.

    You'll be great and the boys will be great and everything will be just fine. There is a transition with every chapter in life. With time, every one will be settled in with your newest one.

    Hang in there!

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  18. I think about the SAME fears when we decided to go for baby #2. She's almost 10 months...and I don't want to take anything away from her...but I want her to have a sibling that she can grow up with...I guess as mama's we will always feel some sort of guilt:-)

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  19. I felt the same way! I double guessed my decision to have a second child so close to our first...and they weren't even that close--2 year and 3 months. But there were days where I thought maybe I didn't give Hannah enough time on her own. But in the end it was perfect! I love their age difference and I love watching them interact. When it comes down to it, you are giving them family. Family they will have after we're gone. They won't remember those last few weeks before their sibling was born.

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  20. Totally normal feeling...i think we all have had the same feelings because we care so deeply for kids. But you are truly giving him a gift-a brother, a friend, and someone that is always there for him. Now that my boys are three and one, I find they are playing more and more together and I feel a little lost because they are so busy with each other that they don't even notice me at times:) And I feel guilty about that...I think that as moms we will always have these uneasy feelings coming and going. Enjoy your last few weeks with just one!

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  21. Somehow finally was able to view your blog for the first time today, and I read the most beautiful, heart touching, post from a wonderful mommy!!!! I don't doubt your ready for #2 and you've already so cautiously recognized that both boys will need your love and affection equally. God doesn't give us things he doesn't think we can't handle. Glad your following my blog... I'm now following your's and I look forward to reading about your journey!!!!

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  22. I just went through this same scenario!! I now have a 6 week old son who is the little brother to his two year-old sister. I cried a lot over those feelings. I actually wrote about it in my blog, if you'd care to check it out. :)

    http://ladysmakesandbakes.blogspot.com/2012/03/hormones-and-sister-wives.html

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  23. Is it sad that I completely relate to our Baby #1. I am feeling like all of my fur babies are going to be neglected and HATE the new baby ... I am sure Carter will LOVE his baby brother - you have raised him to be a loving little boy. I hope when the time comes I can say the same about our first baby :)

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  24. I now everyone has already said it, but these are completely normal feelings! I felt the same way before I had Blake (my second). I wouldn't call my feelings guilt either. Fear is a good word. I think as moms we feel fear ALL the time. Fear of being a good enough Mommy. Fear of being a good enough wife. Fear of bending down to pick something up and exposing my grannie panties to everyone in my daughter's preschool. You know...big stuff, little stuff, every day stuff. But that right there is what makes us GREAT moms. We fear. We care enough to worry and be scared. From what I have read of your blog so far (i'm new around here!) I think you are a fantastic Momma. You will figure it ALL out :-)

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  25. I'll admit, I'm terrified that I will feel the exact same way and it is one of the reasons that I'm still saying no to number two. All that to say, I think you're completely normal as I'm sure others have also felt the same way. And sometimes, women even have a third kid so it must not go so bad! I think you're going to rock this and soon it will be your new normal. It's completely okay to have some worries with such a big change :)

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  26. Pretty much feel the same way at times. But I am eased by the same thoughts. We got this. I think . ;)

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  27. Just found your blog through "Letter to New Moms."

    I went through the transition from one son to two sons two years ago when my first was only 21 months old. I had the same worries and fears as you. Would Landon still know that I loved him.

    Adding another boy to our family was wonderful in so many ways. Was there stress? Sure. Was there jealousy? Of course!

    But you will find out soon enough that it is an amazing experience and your heart will expand for BOTH your boys more than you ever imagined.

    Now I see my almost 4-year-old and my 2-year-old playing (and getting into trouble) together and my mama heart soars.

    You've got a new reader in me. I love reading boy mom blogs :)

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  28. This is exactly how I feel too.

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