Wednesday, May 23, 2012

If You Can Say Stupid Things, I Can Say Stupid Things Too :: Pregnancy Edition

It's no surprise that people say stupid shit. In fact, the stupid-shit-saying often runs rampant especially out of the mouths of strangers. 


That being said, the stupid-shit-saying-from-out-of-the-mouths-of-strangers is absolutely off the charts when you throw a pregnancy into the mix. 


One would think that men would be the greatest offenders of The Stupid Shit Saying when in the presence of a pregnant female, however, for once? I can't give the men all of the credit. 


In my experience? Women are just as guilty of the Saying of Stupid Shit. Which, if I might add, absolutely confounds me since they at least have greater odds of experiencing pregnancy over the men folk. 


I've compiled a short list of some of the Stupidest Shit people have said to me and what I now think are absolutely appropriate responses. 


In response to confirming that you are, in fact, with child, "Was this planned?" or "Were you trying?"


"Well, actually.. My husband and I were trying to play an innocent game of Monopoly and then this happened."  


"Are you sure there is only one in there?" or "I bet you're having twins!" 


"No, I am not having twins and I'm absolutely certain, as is my Harvard-educated obstetrician and the countless incredible and technologically advanced ultrasounds I've had, that there is, indeed, only one baby in there." 


Here's my favorite part: If applicable, you can always throw in a, "and by the looks of it, I would say you're what.. in your second trimester already?" when in reality, you're really only drawing attention to the inner tube-style gut hanging out above their waistband. 


"Goodness! When my sister's husband's late brother's uncle's twice removed daughter was pregnant, she wasn't allowed to have caffeine. Are you sure you shouldn't be ordering a decaf?" 


"This baby should consider himself lucky that I've given up the crack pipe during my pregnancy. I don't think a little caffeine is going to hurt him." 


"Don't worry. As soon as you have that baby, you'll get that waistline back in no time!" 


"I hope you're not speaking from personal experience. If so, you got any other tricks up your sleeve? That juicy bit of advice certainly didn't work out in your favor..."


"By the looks of it, I'd say you're ready to have that baby any day now!"


"By the looks of it, I'd say you're cruising for a nice, swift kick to the kidney!"

"You sure are hungry. They aren't kidding when they say you're eating for two!" 


"Wait, who said anything about eating for two? Who's pregnant?"




Now, don't get me wrong. Replies such as this don't come easy. It took me one and a half pregnancies to find the cajones needed to reply back with any of the above responses. The good news? No one will hit a pregnant lady, so feel free to retort back with the smartest, snarkiest of replies. 


And if all else fails? A throat punch will suffice. 




54 comments :

  1. That's awful. I wonder why people feel the need to say such ridiculous things?!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I loved the swift kick to the kidney one! :) And yes, WHY do people feel the need to ask this stuff!?!? I get the "HOW many weeks left?!?!" one all the time now. Awesome. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. You had me at crack pipe. Ha!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hahaha! Love the responses, AP! When I was very obviously pregnant I always wanted to say "I'm not pregnant" when someone asked me when I was due, etc. Tee hee!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Please tell me you've actually said these things!

    ReplyDelete
  6. HA! Loved this. Sorry I was logged in under my husband's gmail.. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  7. If one more person tells me how busy I'm going to be, I will round-house kick them to the face.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I was walking through Target with a Starbucks cup in hand (I was pregnant) and a woman looked at me like I had a crack pipe in hand. Then I saw her call her friend over to show her that she found a "pregnant lady with a Starbucks"!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I want to know that you've actually said some of these things! Cuz that would just be the bee's knees!! I love your humor! It's the BEST!!! And that one about the caffeine and the crack pipe. OMG, I died!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. This is high up on my list of favorite posts of all times! I can't wait to use them! I'm almost 17 weeks and not really showing so people are mostly overly concerned when they see me. I know that will soon change though! LOVE THIS POST!!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I am DYING! Dying. As for the caffeine, yeah, I was guilty of ordering a triple shot latte every now and again while pregnant with my second child. The barista at Starbucks would always ask if I meant decaf. Um, why would I want a triple shot of decaf you asshat??

    Two comments that stand out in my mind were said to me AFTER I had my first child. We went out to eat not too long after I gave birth and I ran into a friend I had not seen in a while. "Oh, my goodness! When are you due?" Clearly, she was oblivious to the BABY in the infant carseat that Adam was carrying. I wanted to kick her in her shin. The second mean comment was while I was changing Malia's diaper in a Target bathroom. This old lady comes up to me and says, "I bet your mother is so disappointed in you." Say what, old lady? I may have been taught to respect my elders, but on that day I wanted to punch her in the jaw. Instead, I told her that my mother was MORE than excited that her 24 year old, college educated, full-time working daughter blessed her with her first grandchild. Soak your dentures in that, old bat.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hahahahahahaha! The funniest part about this post (besides your dry wit and sarcasm) is that these comments happen ALL THE TIME! I'm not pregnant, nor have I been, and even I hear this kind of stupid stuff anytime someone pregnant is around. Love your hilarious responses!

    ReplyDelete
  13. So many people told us that we would never get sleep again. I sleep now more than I did in college!!!! Funny post but so true.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Love! I wish I would have had the balls to say those responses to stupid people!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Died at the crack pipe. Died.

    No lie, when I was a hundred weeks (or 8 months whatever), I ordered a grande coffee from Starbucks. As I paid and turned to walk off (mind you this was a BAD day which is why I was buying Starbucks in the first place), a lady walked up to me and asked me if "in my condition" I should really be having that. I stopped, stunned, and retorted "I gave up the coke, I'm not giving up my coffee" and walked off. Pissed me off.

    People are so dumb.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I hate all those questions! We just told our families last weekend about my pregnancy and DH's Stepdad asked the "Was it planned?" wuestion. Really it's none of your business if it was planned or not.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Yup, you summed up all the ridiculous comments I have heard. The best ones were from ladies who looked more pregnant than me (and weren't actually pregnant lol).

    ReplyDelete
  18. People are so stupid! Wait til he's born and the question is "so are you done?" I actually found that offensive too. So how many of these have you actually said?? :)

    Good luck - less than a month to go!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Nicely put, I wish I was a well versed as yourself! I think I might just go in for the throat punch personally. I'm half done and tired of the "Are you sure there isn't two babies in there." REALLY I just started showing like 2-3 weeks ago!!! Before you couldn't tell if I was just fat or pregnant. Or another one "How are you feeling?" I started asking them back "What do I look like shit?" Seriously people should just be seen and not heard somedays!!!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Haha this is great, thanks for the good laugh this morning. People can say some stupid shit to pregnant ppl sometimes

    ReplyDelete
  21. LMAO... this was just so freaking awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Can we add the stupid things women (in particular) say to non-pregnant other women? Always inquiring about when you're gonna get pregnant. OY. People need to hush up and stay out the business of everyone's uterus...!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Dude, if I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was "too tiny" to be in X trimester, I would be $500 richer.

    Most people would think that was a compliment but pretty soon you start to feel shitty. Like I'm not having a healthy baby or something because I was so tiny.

    It was ANNOYING, to say the least.

    ReplyDelete
  24. People have no censor when it comes to pregnant women!! Love these responses. :D

    ReplyDelete
  25. The level of snark here is absolute perfection! Happy Wednesday AP, here's to hoping you don't have to throat punch anyone today :)

    ReplyDelete
  26. I always hated it when people, strangers or not, would randomly come up and rub my belly. Just to show them how it felt I would rub theirs back.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Oh maaaaan, I DIED at these!!! I cannot wait to get pregnant so I can be a witty as you. I'm so not afraid to smack a bitch.

    ReplyDelete
  28. A ton of people have asked me how long we tried for. Seriously?! Like that's even any of your business?!

    ReplyDelete
  29. Love, love, love this----seriously the pregnancy questions can drive one insane!!!

    ReplyDelete
  30. I really want to be as brave as you and say what I'm thinking when The Stupid flies out of peoples' mouths. While I totally agree that women can say just as much Stupid as men, when a guy tells me something its REALLY hard not to get caught in an obvious eye roll. No Uterus, No Opinion! My faves so far? "Soon your going to be so big that nothing fits" and "Why don't you play that game at your shower "Guess How Big Laura (me) Is?" Yea, cause THAT sounds like a fun game.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Last night I went to see What to expect when you're expecting. The dude at the concession stand told me it was "ironic" that I was going to see that movie. Um, no, I don't really think there was any irony involved in that decision.

    I wish I had been more witty when he said it.

    Like, "OMG YOU ARE SO RIGHT HOW DID I NOT REALIZE THAT I AM PREGNANT AND GOING TO SEE A MOVIE ABOUT PREGNANCY? WOW. THIS IS SO AMAZING. I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT."

    ReplyDelete
  32. I guess I'm just a bitch because I've said similar things in my first pregnancy. Matter of fact I considered wearing a sign that said " yes I'm married and we wanted this baby."

    Judgemental asshats!

    ReplyDelete
  33. This was great! When someone asked me when I was due when I was super 8.5 months pregnant big, I said "I'm not pregnant". Shut her up! LOL!

    I was a very young mom, I had my daughter 19 days before my 17th birthday. And I wasn't married, and I had no intentions of being married just because I was knocked up. I always had people making comments about me being young. So annoying! I wish I could remember some of my smartass responses I made.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Someone the other day questioned my coffee drinking and I wanted to punch him. Leave me and my coffee habit alone.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Ugh, the dreaded, "Are you sure you're not having twins?" question. I could have kicked the (several) people who said that to me by the end.

    I also had a coworker who kept saying telling me that there was no way I was going to make it until my due date. I guess she was right...my little guy was early. By two day. *smh

    ReplyDelete
  36. that's awesome. i just love getting the "wow you sure are getting bigger" comment. what i hadn't noticed!! thanks for pointing that out ... in public. :) this post made my day :)

    ReplyDelete
  37. Too funny. I have always found it so strange that people decide it is necessary to speak to you once you are pregnant, have a child, or are walking a dog. Mind your business people.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Oh my gosh- this is hilarious! Especially the, "were you trying" bit. It's like, are you really asking me if my husband and I decided to have protected sex or not? That's a little personal, no?

    ReplyDelete
  39. So so funny! I can't believe the stuff that has come out of people's mouth in response to my pregnancy this time. Such a good list and I love your responses!

    ReplyDelete
  40. I think "Were you trying?" is one of the most rude things someone can ask when you're pregnant. In general, I'm not sure why people think when you're pregnant (ahem, when you're a mom...breastfeeding, diapering, sleeping...living), everyone else is so concerned about what you do and how it happened and...you get it.

    Anyway, well said. All of it. :) I will now print this and keep it in my back pocket for future reference. :D

    ReplyDelete
  41. This post is fabulous....people are the WORST at saying weird/nasty things to pregnant ladies. At least you're almost at the finish line with this pregnancy!

    ReplyDelete
  42. I've actually been writing down the ridiculous things people have said to me so far and plan on making it into a post at some point.

    My two favorites so far (and I'm only 13 weeks), both said by coworkers:

    "So....is this a congratulations?" - If someone says they are pregnant, just act happy or indifferent for them. Don't ask this question.

    and along the same lines

    ".....Are you happy about the pregnancy?"
    -No, I'm angry and I can't believe my husband did this to me.

    Good lord.

    ReplyDelete
  43. I couldn't believe the thoughtless comments I got when I was pregnant!!

    ReplyDelete
  44. hahaha!!! This is one of my favorite posts ever! So so funny!

    ReplyDelete
  45. the crackpipe. i die.

    i loathed the "better sleep now..." comments...okay sure, I'll go sleep and then I'll save up all my extra sleep so I can use it after I have the baby...because that's how it works, right?

    people.are.so.dumb.

    ps.you.look.amazing.

    ReplyDelete
  46. the crackpipe. i die.

    i loathed the "better sleep now..." comments...okay sure, I'll go sleep and then I'll save up all my extra sleep so I can use it after I have the baby...because that's how it works, right?

    people.are.so.dumb.

    ps.you.look.amazing.

    ReplyDelete
  47. This is hilarious and so true! I just wish I was witty enough to have those comeback on the spot!!

    ReplyDelete
  48. This is so funny! Cannot.stop.laughing.

    ReplyDelete
  49. I love these! I think my response will be, "oh, are you a doctor?! That's so amazing that you're handing out free medical advice"! That, or just telling them I'm not pregnant. Awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  50. oh, and my favorites were about how big I was. As if I didn't know I was so huge already. oh, and the commentary on everything I ate. I was like- yeah, whatever!

    ReplyDelete
  51. ASHLEY Oh my gosh this maybe my favorite post yet!!!!!! I wish you would say this back to people and let me be there to watch them see how stupid they are! As always thanks for the laughs :)

    ReplyDelete

As always, thanks so much for reading ILYMTC. If you have any questions about a post or want to get in touch with me (or any of the cast of characters here at ILYMTC) email me at iloveyoumorethancarrots(at)gmail(dot)com.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...