If You Can Say Stupid Things, I Can Say Stupid Things Too :: Pregnancy Edition

It's no surprise that people say stupid shit. In fact, the stupid-shit-saying often runs rampant especially out of the mouths of strangers. 


That being said, the stupid-shit-saying-from-out-of-the-mouths-of-strangers is absolutely off the charts when you throw a pregnancy into the mix. 


One would think that men would be the greatest offenders of The Stupid Shit Saying when in the presence of a pregnant female, however, for once? I can't give the men all of the credit. 


In my experience? Women are just as guilty of the Saying of Stupid Shit. Which, if I might add, absolutely confounds me since they at least have greater odds of experiencing pregnancy over the men folk. 


I've compiled a short list of some of the Stupidest Shit people have said to me and what I now think are absolutely appropriate responses. 


In response to confirming that you are, in fact, with child, "Was this planned?" or "Were you trying?"


"Well, actually.. My husband and I were trying to play an innocent game of Monopoly and then this happened."  


"Are you sure there is only one in there?" or "I bet you're having twins!" 


"No, I am not having twins and I'm absolutely certain, as is my Harvard-educated obstetrician and the countless incredible and technologically advanced ultrasounds I've had, that there is, indeed, only one baby in there." 


Here's my favorite part: If applicable, you can always throw in a, "and by the looks of it, I would say you're what.. in your second trimester already?" when in reality, you're really only drawing attention to the inner tube-style gut hanging out above their waistband. 


"Goodness! When my sister's husband's late brother's uncle's twice removed daughter was pregnant, she wasn't allowed to have caffeine. Are you sure you shouldn't be ordering a decaf?" 


"This baby should consider himself lucky that I've given up the crack pipe during my pregnancy. I don't think a little caffeine is going to hurt him." 


"Don't worry. As soon as you have that baby, you'll get that waistline back in no time!" 


"I hope you're not speaking from personal experience. If so, you got any other tricks up your sleeve? That juicy bit of advice certainly didn't work out in your favor..."


"By the looks of it, I'd say you're ready to have that baby any day now!"


"By the looks of it, I'd say you're cruising for a nice, swift kick to the kidney!"

"You sure are hungry. They aren't kidding when they say you're eating for two!" 


"Wait, who said anything about eating for two? Who's pregnant?"




Now, don't get me wrong. Replies such as this don't come easy. It took me one and a half pregnancies to find the cajones needed to reply back with any of the above responses. The good news? No one will hit a pregnant lady, so feel free to retort back with the smartest, snarkiest of replies. 


And if all else fails? A throat punch will suffice.