This will be the one and only time I refer to this website on my blog. Word on the street is that I've been lacking in the "snark and sass" department of my blog lately and as one who never, ever wishes to disappoint her readers, I figured this was the perfect opportunity to make up for lost time.
If you're unfamiliar with GOMI (Get Off My Internets), as I'm sure my grandma is, who reads this blog (Hi Nanny!) it's a website that is dedicated to providing "constructive criticism" to people who choose to share their lives on the internet. I use the term "constructive criticism" very loosely as you will see that sometimes it's just a forum where a bunch of idiots come together in solidarity to be mean to someone they don't know. The saying "misery loves company" best describes those GOMI moments.
Other moments you may get a swift kick in the ass that puts your formerly large head back in check, like the time you may have asked the Internets to send you pajamas for your son to wear solely so you could photograph him in them. Not that I would know anything about that.
A weak, asshole-esque moment, I will admit, but thankfully none of my readers obliged, thus feeding my temporary insanity. We all make mistakes, no? And it's those GOMI moments that I'm actually kind of thankful for, the ones that remind you to reel in The Crazy.
Without further 'ado, I would like to address, with some open letters, some of the comments on my nine pages of GOMI slice of heaven. Let's start at the end and work our way back, shall we?
Dear People Who Think I Have No Real Life Friends,
When you said, "I have a feeling that she lives for her blog and online friends, but has few friends in real life," I had to laugh. After all, I had just spent the morning having coffee with three of my girlfriends and their kids. I didn't "Instagram it" or tweet about it which must've meant it didn't happen. You see, I try to keep my "real life" separate from my blog and that includes my extended family and friends. You don't see me posting lot's of pictures of my husband or my parents, right? But I promise you, just like "real life" friends, I have them too. And I try not to post pictures of other people's kids on my blog because, you know, they might one day end up being linked to in a GOMI forum and what kind of friend would I be then?
Thanks for the giggle, A friend-ful,
Dear Haters of Kindness, Big Or Small,
Snarking on someone's Random Acts of Kindness? That has to be an all-time low. Did you read the part about where I said my SIL came up with the list as a gift to me? You must've missed that part in your haste to rip them apart. I didn't know there was an already manufactured List of Kindness Acts, or else... shit! I'm sure it would have made my SIL's life much easier but taking out all of the guesswork! I lead by example to my kids every day, this includes holding the doors for people and saying "thank you." But do I dedicate five minutes each day to stop and explain to them, down on their level, why this is a kind act and why we should do it for other people? No. In fact, I'm probably too busy buying them expensive clothes or getting a gel manicure. And I would like to think that some of what we did that day brightened other people's days. Hopefully not everyone out there is as jaded and cynical as you are.
Snark is the new Kind?
Dear Baby Name Knockers,
"Umm, I was shocked when she actually named her second Maclane. Like what the fuck actual kind of name is that? All I could think of was Die Hard." Isn't it great that we get to pick and choose whatever we want to name or own kids and we don't have to name others' kids as well? I bet you're thanking your lucky stars for that or else I might have to name your offspring! Wouldn't that be a good time! Thanks for the input. Maybe we'll go really crazy and name our third "Chocotaco." That's pretty hipster and trendy, right? I mean, as long as we can think of a middle name that begins with "M," he'll have the same initials as Carter and then I can reuse all of his monogrammed clothes! It's a win-win.
You Should Write A Baby Name Book!
Dear Everyone Who Thinks I've Become A Sponsor Sellout,
I apologize for the influx of sponsored content. I do, especially around the holidays, as I know there tends to be more of it because companies are on a rampage and it's kind of gag-inducing. I try not to hock products that aren't a good fit for myself or my readers which is why you don't see me reviewing half of the crazy shit that I get pitches for. Remember, I'm a yuppie stay-at-home mom! I have to pay for the cleaning lady and my children's overpriced wardrobe somehow and I'd prefer not to have to use our grocery money or my husband's hard earned paycheck. What I earn from blogging I spend on the "extras." It's been a nice little gig and I'm truly grateful for the opportunities. Not only would I be an asshole but I would be a stupid asshole if I declined a free stroller or vacation and I would have a hard time believing you would all decline freebies of that magnitude as well. As for some of the other "fluff posts?" Listen, it's paying for my kids' Christmas gifts. It is what it is and I try hard to balance it with real writing. But know that those sponsored posts take just as much time, energy and brain-work.
Sorry I'm Not Sorry (OK, I'm A Little Sorry),
Dear Those Two People Who Said I Looked 40/Have a Big Nose/Am Ugly,
I am thirty years old with a 3 year old, a 17 month old and currently baking another small human. You want to know something about kids? Those little bitches age the shit out of you! As does not getting a full night's sleep in over 17 months. But would I venture to say I look 40? Yeouch, that's a low blow. If I'm 40 and blogging, you have my full permission to pull the damn plug on that shit. Forget about a "push present," Mama wants botox after this baby. Gosh, I hope I don't scare my kids! Maybe that's why Maclane isn't sleeping through the night. His poor, hideous Mommy gives him nightmares!
Thanks for shedding light on the topic, Gisele!
Dear Captain Obvious,
In response to your, "this is such a mom blog," comment, THANK YOU! Just what I sought out to be. I mean, after all, I am a mom. And I blog. And when you're neck deep in diapers and tantrums and teething and shitty sleep schedules, I'm not sure what else there is to write about! I'm not keen on politics and would make for an absolutely horrid fashion blogger, so Mom Blog suits me just fine. I'll take it!
Thanks for that call out!
Dear Drink Police,
I'm sorry. I'm too busy drinking my 4th beer, while 5 months pregnant and home alone in the charge of my two young boys to form a clear, concise thought to respond to your silly remarks about my alcohol consumption when not growing a human. I would get all scientific on you about alcohol and breastfeeding and my personal tolerance and the like but I'm clearly too drunk to form a sentence. In fact, Carter is typing this out for me while I dictate.
Dear Myriad Of Readers Who Said Shit When I Complained About The Shock Of The Pre-School Plague,
I don't know what planet you come from, but I didn't think that your kid getting sick every single week for nearly eight weeks straight was normal and if it was normal, then I must've missed that page in the Pre-School handbook. Apparently some kids catch everything in Pre-School and now that I actually have a kid in Pre-School, I'm aware of that! Who knew? Certainly not the mother who never had a kid in pre-school or daycare before. Sick kids fucking suck and that was my point. I was absolutely blindsided by the amount of sickness in just a few short weeks of school. Oh and the bunch of letters after my last name that came with my nursing degree? Doesn't make it suck any less. Sure, I'm "equipped" to handle certain symptoms but when it's 2am and your own kid can't catch his breath and you're both sobbing on the bathroom floor? No nursing degree prepares you for that.
Maybe I'll Write About Something More Vain Next Time,
Oh Wait, You'll Just Find Something Else To Shit On Then,
To the Hoards Of You Who Think I'm A Materialistic Snot,
If one thing has remained constant since the beginning of this blog, it's my love of labels and brand name things. Things which I've worked hard to pay for but you don't really care about that. I will not apologize for this, now nor ever. I just like nice shit. I will also, however, always loathe ridiculous "character" clothing on babies, especially mine. Does it make your baby uglier? Do I think you're less of a parent because your kid's shirt says, "Little Slugger?" Of course not. Only you're mean enough to judge someone by what they're wearing or buying. It's just not for me. Don't forget, wise GOMI snarkers, but I will soon have three boys. That's three tiny heinies who get to benefit from well-made, quality clothing that gets passed down from boy to boy. But you already knew that. Does it make you feel better that most of my underwear comes from Walmart? We're more a like than you think!
Fruit of the Loom Four Pack For The Win!
* * * * * * * * * *
Dear GOMI ILYMTC Thread,
In all seriousness, you guys, I don't know what you're all talking about when you say "get back to your real writing." When I first started this blog, I wrote about shit. I wrote about expensive vacations I took with my husband, jewelry he bought me and JCrew birthday wishlists. I wrote about the time Sheepie shit all over himself and his room and the time a firetruck drove right into my 3-day-old Lexus. You want to talk about "vapid and insufferable?" Holy shit. My life before kids was as vapid and insufferable as it comes.
I try really hard to bare my soul on here and when I do, I like to think I do a pretty decent job. But I also try to be conscious of my family's privacy as well as sounding like a perpetual whiny mother. There's only so many times you can say "this shit is hard" before someone calls you a complainer. There's only so many times I can write about how incredible and amazing my kids are before someone says, "she thinks her boys are God."
If by "real writing" you mean, "stop writing sponsored shit," I'm sorry but I can't make that promise. Like I said earlier, I try to only hock the things that make my life as a mom easier and more fun. That includes vacuums, strollers, sleep machines, kid clothes, etc. Sometimes I succeed with flying colors. Other times, I fail miserably and I feel like an asshole. I can admit to and apologize for that.
So, I can't promise I'll stop writing sponsored content. It pays some bills and allows my family nice "extras" and keeps me at home with my boys. I will promise, however, to write more of the "real" stuff if you promise not to talk shit about my kid's names, the clothes they wear, their shortcomings, differences or my parenting choices. They're my kids, dammit, and it's not their fault. Leave them out of it. That's not being constructive. That's being a douche.
I never wanted to be a sellout and it's hurtful and humbling to hear that but at the same time keep in mind that this is my space. I kind of get to do whatever I want with it and that's pretty awesome. Plus, it gives you all something to talk about. You can thank me later.
To my readers who've stuck around? Thanks. I really do appreciate it and I mean it. To those very few who've "white knighted" for me on GOMI, thanks. It's hard to stand up and be nice in a forum full of hate. To my readers whom I've let down or disappointed? I'm sorry. There's a saying in life and in business, "evolve or die" and just like when I set out to write this blog, I'm not the 24 year old newlywed I once was. Things change.
As much as blogging has been a hobby of mine, it has also become a business. One that I'm actually proud of most days.
I look forward to all the new changes 2014 will bring with it. This is not at all the direction this post was supposed to take but I got tired of feeling hurt and offended by some of the threads on GOMI. And sometimes, just sometimes, I hate feeling like an asshole. Nobody wants to be an asshole. Although, I have to say, sometimes I need the laugh.
And to the concerned reader who really wants me to get my tubes tied after number 3, don't worry. I'll do it just for you, how's that? It'll be my gift to society. Thanks for being so concerned about me, my family and my procreative habits.
Less Sponsored Shit And More Real Writing in 2014,