Saturday, August 25, 2012

And Then I Knew I'm Not Done Yet.

When Carter was ten weeks old, I never would have thought so ferociously about having another baby. 

When Carter was ten weeks old, I never would have broken down in tears at the thought of him being our only child. In fact, the thought of that happening is enough to make me giggle just a bit.

When Carter was ten weeks old, I could never imagine having another baby after him, much less another after that.



So why then, did I break down into tears last week while folding all of Maclane's 0-3 month clothing? Why then, did I break down into shaking sobs as I packed them away in dusty, informal blue Tupperware bins? The ones that so plain and simply bore the words "Baby Boy Clothes NB-3mo." After all it was all a familiar scene, something I had done just eighteen months prior when my first baby outgrew them. 

When Carter was ten weeks old, the age that Maclane is today, the thought of having a second child would never have crossed my mind, much less would I feel that innate need for another child so soon. 

When Carter was ten weeks old, I could hardly stomach the thought of having sex with my husband again, something that I'm quite certain is an integral part of procreating, is it not?

I would imagine that thought never crossed my mind because of the overwhelming exhaustion that comes with having your first baby. Or perhaps it was the immediate and all-consuming lapse into Newborn-dom that often leaves little, if any, room to think about much else. 

It may have also had a teensy tiny bit to do with the fact that, back then, I had no idea what kind of mother I would be.

On Wednesday evening, as I was sitting in the middle of the nursery floor folding tiny blue and white onesies, some embroidered with brightly woven trucks, another with soft sweet lions, I came across my favorite all white Ralph Lauren layette sleeper worn by Maclane for such a brief amount of time. It was then that I was absolutely blindsided and downright frightened by the thought that this could very well be the last time I do this. The very last time

And that's when the tears came. That's when I knew I'm not done yet. We're not done yet. 

I never wanted three kids. Way back before the house and the vows and the ring, before Sheepie, back when it was just Michael and Ashley, back when we could only fathom what our future would hold, I never wanted three kids.

Back when I was seven and playing with my baby dolls in my pretty pink bedroom with the pretty pink bedspread and the  pretty pink plastic doll carriage. I never wanted three babies. 


But I do now. I need three babies.

Because the thought of never again getting to see the look on my husband's face when he meets his freshly born baby for the first time, the thought of never again getting to rock another teensy tiny baby to sleep, the thought of this being my very last baby to nurse, to sing to, to comfort, absolutely rips me apart.  It breaks my heart into one million tiny pieces.

The same heart that has grown exponentially over these last ten weeks. More so than I ever could have ever imagined. It's no surprise that it grew with the birth of Maclane but it has grown so much more since then, with the love that I have for my husband who is such an incredible, passionate father to our boys and for Carter who has seamlessly transitioned into his role as a big brother. 

Carter, who has grown what seems like years just in these past ten weeks.

Every time he runs over to Maclane and rubs his head when he fusses or drapes a blanket over his feet (and occasionally his face, I can't lie), it takes my breath away. How can someone so small know that kind of compassion? How can someone so small understand what it means to soothe someone who cries and better, feel so compelled to do so?

This cannot be the last time I feel these things. Maclane cannot be our last baby. 

And in that moment, while folding those little blue and white onesies I knew it. 

I'm not done yet. 


55 comments :

  1. Love this post! We want three. Are you a little afraid that you will never want to stop?!

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  2. What a heart felt post. I am someone that hopes to have 4 kids someday, so I'm glad these feelings exist :)

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  3. Well damn Ashley! Way to go and make a girl cry! Here I am on Twitter giving you compliments on your awesome hair and then you blindside me with this post.

    Your words are so touching! It's amazing how something so small (although Maclane is growing larger and larger with every milk bar visit) can make your heart grow so large. And just think, you thought your heart was already so full with Carter!

    I'm so happy for you to have made this decision, to know that this isn't the end. Whenever you get here, Baby M3, you will be loved!

    xoxo

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  4. Love this post. :) I sit and sigh every single time I have to pack up a new set of clothing. As I suck all the air out of the space bags, I am usually doing an ugly sob. Hahaha. Good thing the vacuum is loud.
    xoxox
    Megan @thememoirsofmegan.com

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  5. This made me cry and I have no kids yet. Zero. Dammit woman. Stop that. (also my best friend had her first kid last night and I just saw them. So.)

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  6. This made me cry and I have zero kids. Zippo. Dammit woman. Knock it off. Stop it. (my emotions may be crazy bc my best friend had her first kid last night and my other best frond has twins and the in laws have babies ... Ughhh the fever!)

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  7. I love this post. I'm trying to soak in every little bit of this pregnancy and will when Squishy is born...because I have NO CLUE if I will ever have another baby. I've always thought that our family wouldn't feel complete as a family of 4 and that I would certainly want 3 kids...but part of me just doesn't know yet. I don't think we'll be able to make that decision until we're "there". I'm happy for you that you had such a wonderful moment about your children and future family!

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  8. What a touching post. I understand a ll to well.

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  9. I love this post! I am now sitting here with eyes full of tears at the thought of ever being done. Even though I know my body and my family needs time before we think about #3, I am ecstatic to think of him/her.

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  10. Simply beautiful and so well written!

    xoxo,
    lisa

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  11. So so sweet!!!! You are such a great mama to those boys!! It's time to make a girl :-)

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  12. I never knew you only wanted two. Having then so close together I had you pegged as the kind of mom who wanted a houseful! I used to want 4. Now I think 3. I fear a second will make me think 2 is juuuust enough. Glad to hear its not necessarily the case!

    PS At least let me catch up to you before poppIng out number 3!! Lol

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  13. Every time I fold up the Tomster's clothes I get a little sad since this was the one and only now that I am an old lady. Oddly, he still is wearing some 24 month sizes though mostly 2Ts, so I have not had to fold anything up for a while. I think it will always be tough, even when you know you are done. Great post!

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  14. We haven't even set a definitive start date for #2, and yet the thought of it being the last time makes me teary. It was always the plan to have two...but now, I don't know if that's enough.

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  15. I have wanted just one baby since before I was married. While pregnant with Mackenzie I only wanted one. Then her birth and week in the NICU broke my heart and I swore up and down never again. This whole first year I've been complete, our family was complete. But for the past month I haven't been complete and all I can think is, we have to have another child! When she smiles, laughs, does some cute, even when she throws a tantrum; my husband and I say, how can we NOT have another child! I now have baby fever.
    I wonder how I'll feel after baby number 2.....if I'll want a third or be content finally.
    Loved this post!

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  16. You're a good mama, AP. Another sweet babe will be blessed to have you as theirs. Big xo's.

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  17. I feel the EXACT same way! In fact, if I were being honest, I'd say I want the 3rd even closer together than 2yrs(which is how far apart my boys are). I haven't even packed up clothes because I don't want to admit he is not a baby anymore. I CAN'T. Because if I do? Sobfest 2012. Oh our babies and how they absolutely transform you!

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  18. i'm a little pissed you made my eyes sweat on a saturday night. freaking a girl. also? i go back and forth so much on do i even want number two? but if i don't, why do i have boxes of baby girl clothes packed away "just in case". i know deep down, i'm not done. and when the heart knows something that well, well, it will happen. maybe my number two and your number three will be about the same time... we shall see ;)

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  19. Oh, I love it! I always wanted 5...and obvi you've already lapped me. I didn't know it would take me this long to be ready for #2, but I *do* know that I NEED at least three. AT LEAST!

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  20. Such beautiful heartfelt words! My husband and I were actually just trying for our first but we are currently stopping because I just got totally consumed with it all! I cannot even imagine the love you have for those sweet boys!

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  21. The only thing that keeps me from having a breakdown everytime I have to pack away Hunters clothes or we pass another milestone is the thought of having a baby #2 which I've always known I wanted. Not sure how I'll feel after the next one though but I know we could never afford three.

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  22. I love this post. So heart felt. I know exactly how you feel. After havig our second daughter I thought she wagoofing to be it but then after her 1st birthday I knew we weren't done yet. So here we are with baby #3 on her way.

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  23. LOVE the post---amen to the whole thing:) Totally know what you mean on every thought you put on paper. Thanks for sharing!

    -Julie
    http://www.thechirpingmoms.com

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  24. Oh my word, Ashley. Tug my frigging heart strings. I'm not done either - I have all of these same feelings. I went into my pregnancy with Gwen feeling as though there is no way this could be it for me. No way. My problem, though, is that I'm not sure if I will ever feel like I can possibly be done. I'mafraid I'll end up having babies until I go through menopause. HA.

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  25. Oh my word, Ashley. Tug my frigging heart strings. I'm not done either - I have all of these same feelings. I went into my pregnancy with Gwen feeling as though there is no way this could be it for me. No way. My problem, though, is that I'm not sure if I will ever feel like I can possibly be done. I'mafraid I'll end up having babies until I go through menopause. HA.

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  26. Oh wow, this is exactly how I feel lately. These moments just confirm every notion of not being done. Lovely post.

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  27. Wow, this beautiful post completely made me tear up. I have had the exact moment happen to me! I remember folding up my youngest son's clothes and saying to myself in the midst of tears, "This cannot be the last time that I do this!". Girl, I completely get it and this post is one of the most beautiful posts I have ever read.

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  28. It's amazing that feeling that comes over you and you just know that your family is not complete. This is the exact thing that happened to me! I never wanted three kids. My whole life it was two kids, two kids. And then when Colson was a few months old, I knew I wasn't done. I knew that our family wasn't complete. And while it scared the crap out of me, it excited me at the same time! This is a beautiful post and it brought tears to my eyes! I very much look forward to the day when I bring out those cute little baby clothes again!

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  29. Such a sweet post - love it! I've always wanted 4. I'm halfway there. I just wonder if I'll ever feel "done" or always want another. My husband assures me after 4 I won't have time to think about it. Ha!

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  30. I am crying now. I am so glad you are not done because let's face it you make beautiful babies. :)

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  31. I"m so happy I read this post! However, like others, it didn't make me cry. What it did do was make me go into a deep thought regarding my own torn situation...:-/ It was so touching...just made me question my selfish thoughts. I don't even know if I want a SECOND! I want all those things too, that you are writing about. Maybe I am not finished either. .....

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  32. I really love this post! It made me really question myself..my own selfish thoughts. I have never been sure if I even wanted a SECOND! But reading your words makes me think that I want all of those things too...maybe I"m not done either.

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  33. Sorry...think I posted twice. You can delete one :)

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  34. What a beautiful post! It's amazing what these babies do to us. I for over a year now have been sad that we're done having kids...for many reason but mainly because of how utterly sick I am pregnant. But I still mourned the other babies we never had {I always wanted at least three} But I thought I was pregnant last week {totally not though} and at that moment I KNEW I was complete with our two girls. When you're done, you'll know:)

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  35. Good, because we need more little M1,M2 and M3's :)

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  36. I love this post! I have been having these feeling lately and it just proves that we aren't done! We can't be! Lol

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  37. Your words are beautiful. They brought tears to my eyes. I'm just 26, almost 27. I don't feel ready for kids yet. I worry I'll never feel "ready".... but I know I'm getting there when I read stories like yours. :-)

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  38. That's how I feel about our 3rd...she is 3 months old and packing away her newborn clothes, every time I rock her...I just can't help but feel that she isn't the last. How can I be okay with having no more babies in the house? A few more years and we'll decide if we want to add a 4th. 3 kids ranging from 3 months to 4 years isn't always easy but they bless me every day and I can't imagine life without a single one of them!

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  39. Okay, you totally made me cry. I have been through this. I went through it very soon after I had my second son. I never ever ever thought I would want three kids but something inside me just aches.

    I wrote this post about it, which I'm sure you can relate to:
    http://www.adayinmollywood.com/2011/09/four-chambers/

    Now my youngest is 2 and my oldest is 4. The timing feels right. I think it would be a lot of work. But oh, my heart just keeps telling me that I need another baby. That our family is not complete. I am still so restless over this question. Your post really hit home for me right now.

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  40. this made me SOB!!! beautifully said!!!

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  41. This is such a sweet post. It's so hard to know if we're done. I totally understand! I really, really love the newborn tiny stage. Oh, my heart.

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  42. This post truly touched me. I don't know exactly how you feel, but I can see being where you are. I have 2 step-daughter's and we are trying for our own. I thought one more would be it and this post touched me so. You found the perfect words for the shoes I can see myself filling.

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  43. Sobbing. I love this. Expecting #1 in 6 weeks. We'll see if there is a #2 in the future. : )

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  44. I LOVE this post and your sweet Mama heart!!!!!!

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  45. I LOVE this! My son is 9 months old and I just don't have that feeling that our family is "done" yet ... I don't want any more kids anytime soon but I'm just not done yet. Totally understand your feelings, sister!

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  46. goodness you made me cry!! beautifully written post!

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  47. This is so sweet. Of course I love all your sarcastic, comical posts but I love that this was heartfelt and honest. You are such a sweet, good mama to your boys and another baby would be just as lucky to have you for a Mama as well! I definitely knew after Eleanor that I wasn't done, we don't know just how many we want but obviously you have proven that you can have a plan but sometimes it goes out the window! ;)

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  48. This post is exactly why you are an amazing mother! Love it. I'm all teary eyed now!

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  49. Awww! Ashley!! This post made me tear up!! I don't usually get much time to go through my fave blogs but I finally got a minute to read this! Now, I'm weepy! haha Love following you through IG as you post pics of your beautiful boys!! :)

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  50. i want another baby so bad right now, so so bad.

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  51. This is so so sweet. I never got the chance to feel this way. I was still not sure about a third when BAM, we found out we were expecting again. I will now have three that are three and under :) I am definitely getting excited now but I KNOW we are done now. Since I know what I am having, a boy, it will be hard boxing up my little girl's clothes but nice to know that there will be no more starting over. The more I think about it, the more three kids, just sounds perfect :)

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  52. It is so awesome to hear you say these things. I have not even had one yet, but I often wonder how I will know when enough is enough. My parents have always insisted on "all you'll want is two", but I don't know if that is me. Maybe I will be done at two, but maybe not. It's interesting to hear a mommy of two's take on this. Thanks for sharing! :)

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  53. i know what you mean. but i don't know that i'll ever feel "done". i think i'll have to see, after each baby, where my hubby and my kids are, too. because left up to me, i'd have a million. i think as women, we have to always do a little self-check, a little self-inventory if you will, to determine if what we're really wanting is to add to our family or if we're just not ready to move onto the big kid years. because the baby years are so amazing. i think we could get stuck in a perpetual circle of "my baby is getting bigger, i need another one!" when really we're just not ready to move on. i hope i'll know for sure when i'm done, but i think i'll have to be reasonable instead!

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