Tuesday, March 5, 2013

My Backseat, A Smorgasbord For The Senses.

Before I had kids, I took a great deal of pride in keeping my car clean. I made frequent trips to the car wash where I loved nothing more than popping a few quarters into the vacuum bar and heading to town on my floor mats. 

Back then, I'm not even sure what I was vacuuming up. Maybe a little dirt from the bottom of my nursing clogs or some crumbs from a breakfast croissant that I grabbed on my way into work one morning. 

Today I'm not even certain you could see my floor mats. In fact, I forgot I even had them. 

Let's take a minute to discuss what one might see/hear/smell if you took a peek into my backseat. 

If you took a peek into my backseat you would see one or more of the following:

  • a fine layer of orange goldfish cracker dust covering the seats, the floor and everything in between. Someone should invent a black kid's snack that when crushed, crumbled or thrown blends in with the black leather interior. Perhaps I should start giving the kids Oreos instead of goldfish.
  • sticky hand prints on a certain toddler's window. Someone might even wonder if I were kidnapping a small child with the amount of hand prints that adorn his window.
  • a couple of half-drank sippy cups full of a mysterious liquid. Could be juice, could be milk. Unfortunately it's been in there so long that it's indistinguishable.
  • enough clothes to outfit a small family. We're talking everything from socks, to pants, tops and a jacket or three. There's even a pair of my underwear floating around and I cannot recall how that ever made it in there. I'm pretty sure it's been there since my pre-baby days which, if you're keeping track, were well over two and a half years ago.
  • the missing pieces of about seven of the puzzles in our house that I'm always cursing that I can't find no matter how many times I scour the toy basket and bins.
  • several forks and a baby spoon or two. Because, why not?
If you took a peek into my backseat you would hear one or more of the following:

  • a creepy voice singing the ABC's every time you made a left hand turn. I cannot for the life of me pinpoint that damn toy but every time I make a left, it starts up. Maybe if I just keep driving in circles my toddler will finally learn the rest of the alphabet. 
  • the rustle of the brown paper bags that Starbucks hands me every time I order a cake pop for the toddler. I can't help that I've raised a monster and every time we get in the car to go anywhere he thinks it's "pop time!" In my defense, it started out as a reward for going to the pediatrician. I also can't help it that the kid has had more than his fair share of ear infections this winter or that I have a serious Venti Chai habit.
  • a set of three pillow covers from Hobby Lobby sliding back and forth across the back hatch of the car. What's worse is that these pillow covers were purchased several months ago but I keep forgetting about them in the abyss that is The Way Back Of The Car.
If you took a peek into my backseat you would smell one or more of the following:

  • rotten milk and/or fruit juice. The kind of dull smell of spoilage that makes your eyes tear just a little bit when you first open the door and breathe in. Don't fret. Once you're in the car the smell dissipates. That or you're just so damn used to it you can't tell the difference.
  • a dirty diaper. I swear there is not a single dirty diaper in my car but there are times when it definitely smells like there is. I cannot tell you how many times I have torn that damn car apart searching for one, expecting that one may have snuck beneath the seats or into the compartments in the back hatch. Yet each time I come up empty handed. 
  • each of the above smells intermingled with a hint of "beach" thanks to my Sun & Sand flavor Yankee Candle car freshener. This is a nice reminder that I could be laying on a beach somewhere warm and tropical but I'm not.
If one of my kids ever goes missing, the first place I'm going to look for them is the backseat of my car.

22 comments :

  1. This is so my car! ...but in my backseat there's this small toy Minnie Mouse on a scooter that I can't freaking find and every time I accelerate she says "here we go!"

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  2. Nice to know our cars are the same way, except add in a Target bag of Mikayla's school papers I can't seem to go through. Also a 31 Tote full of reusable bags that I always seem to forget in the car.

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  3. I thought I was the only person who had a closet in their car. We still have Christmas presents in the trunk!

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  4. I thought I was the only mom who had a terribly dirty car! We still have Christmas presents in the trunk.

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  5. Sounds like my car! And I LOL'ed about the Minnie toy @Laura!

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  6. Great post AP! Gave me many many laughs this Tuesday morning!

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  7. My backseat looks like its wearing a fox rug, or something like that...sadly its not, its just the thick covering of dog hair from hauling the pup around.
    Note to self - invest in SUV next time (but dog probably will refuse to ride in the back, so...never mind! Ha!)
    Also - it hasn't been washed since my hubs did that in disgust about 6 months ago. I'm horrible!

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  8. My backseat looks like its wearing a fox rug, or something like that...sadly its not, its just the thick covering of dog hair from hauling the pup around.
    Note to self - invest in SUV next time (but dog probably will refuse to ride in the back, so...never mind! Ha!)
    Also - it hasn't been washed since my hubs did that in disgust about 6 months ago. I'm horrible!

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  9. ha! this is so true. I have a collection of jackets, rain jackets, umbrellas, and toys in my backseat!

    :)

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  10. I don't even have kids, and my car is currently a disaster area - I've been practically living out of it for the past two weeks! :-)

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  11. I don't know why, but now that I'm a mom my car is actually cleaner. I used to use my backseat as a catch all for school books, old magazines, tupperware that held lunch from two weeks ago, a million billion water bottles all pretty much full, and tons of coats I was too lazy to carry into the house after work. Now it's just covered in toys to keep the babe busy back there...and there are probably some Fishies floating around too.

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  12. I nannied two babies/toddlers in college and this totally sounds like my back seat! I was always amazed when I removed car-seats and found a surplus of food, juice and toys! Years later, I swear I still find an occassional M&M or goldfish!

    -Hannah
    justcallmehaha.blogspot.com

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  13. This is too funny, I can relate to this completely, although I try & keep it as clean as possible

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  14. This is so my car! Lol! Hey, I wanted to put your button on my page but when I try to copy the code your page yells at me like I'm a thief! Lol!

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  15. Hahaha oh my gosh hysterical!

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  16. I cracked up reading this. Sooooo true! I was lucky I could find my ice scraper when I needed it amongst the mess this winter! And I keep meaning to find a place for the bottle of wiper fluid since it just rolls all over the place. To think that I used to hand wash my car MYSELF a few years ago, including the inside, WEEKLY! I would be satisfied to get to the car wash once a month now, which is impossible!

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  17. So glad to know I am not alone with this situation love! The girls have seriously TRASHED my car ever since Kelsey could face forward! And every time I clean it- within ONE day it is a disaster! these kids I tell ya!

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  18. My car causes me so much anxiety! I can't stand how messy it gets, I can usually convince Allen to clean it out if I tell him he can skip out on a toddler birthday party or some other Saturday obligations that he hates!

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  19. Hahahaha oh man - this is hilarious! I need to send this to my husband so he sees this problem is normal. He's like, the neatest of neat freaks with his truck - it's an 09 and people always think it's a 13 (or whatever the current year is) because he's so obsessive. Like, keeps a little dirt brush in the side pocket of his door crazy, so he can literally brush out the driver side floor mats every time he gets in and out of the vehicle. He thinks kids are no excuse for messy cars, so mine drives him CRAZY.

    It's not even that bad (yet), but we have a similar menagerie of random pieces of clothing, toys, and trash (I'm horrible at actually removing trash from the car regularly - always have a collection of Fiber One bar wrappers, Dunkin Donuts bags, and the like. It's the banana peels that REALLY send him over the edge).

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  20. This seriously made me laugh! I can completely relate! My husband is so disgusted by our familymobile. We have to buy a bigger SUV to accomadate #4, and he recommended just catching ours on fire rather than clean it!

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  21. You hit the nail on the head. I know I need to clean my car out more often, but I'm always just a little scared of what I may find.

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