Thursday, January 26, 2012

It's Time For Sass and Open Letters.

Dear People Who Insist On Proclaiming, "Wow, And You're Already So Big!" 
  I get it. I have a belly. I am nearly 19 weeks pregnant. Yes, there is a child in there. No, I will never be one of those mothers who winds up on TLC's "I Didn't Even Know I Was Pregnant," because the second I peed on that stick? I got a belly. Do you not remember the 9lbs. 10oz. man-child that I gave birth to in 2010? I get it. Please. Now shut your face before I tell you how big I think YOU look. 

         Love and Hugs, 

Dear Toddler, 

  Remember that day (Monday) where you climbed out of your crib and walked down an entire flight (12) and a half (6) stairs to surprise Mommy while she worked on the computer? Please don't do that again. Mommy doesn't need to know what it feels like to have a heart attack at twenty-eight. I sure hope you weren't playing in the toilet either. 

          Your Big Boy Bed Arrives Next Week, 
                  Your Mother

Dear Husband, 

  If you'd ever like to sleep with a sane woman again (I'm speaking about myself, your wife here, so to avoid any confusion), our child will be sleeping in a Big Boy Bed by next week. Don't worry, I already ordered the bedding off of Pottery Barn Kids. And yes, it already arrived. I'm about to pull the trigger on the bed, too. 

           Pregnancy, Heart Attacks and Grey Hair Do Not Suit Me, 
                  Your Loving Wife

Dear Victoria's Secret, 

  Please replenish your stock of adorable cotton pajama sets. Blissdom is coming up and I'm pretty sure my roommates don't need to see me wearing my husband's ratty (and inappropriate) fraternity t-shirts to bed. Remember, I need to make a good impression on these folks and a T-shirt bearing the phrase "We (picture of a screw), We (picture of a nut), We (picture of a bolt) does not scream, "nice little girl from Maryland."

            Jennifer and Whit Will Love Me More, 

Dear Makers of Heath Toffee Bits, 

  Please don't ever discontinue these delicious bits of toffee-heaven. Perhaps, however, you may want to include a large straw with your bags as to facilitate their movement more quickly from the bag to my mouth. 

             Your Loyal Devour-er of Bits, 
                   Pregnant AP 


  1. I just love when I'm the first to comment on your posts...I feel so special. Love me some open letters...I may have to follow suit today! Oh, and totally love the baby bow tie on Bitty's onesie up there :) PRESH. Happpppy Thursday, AP!

  2. Ha! You crack me up!! I think you look fantastic!

  3. Katherine fell out of her crib on Sunday, which we can only assume was the result of a ducky (thrown overboard) rescue mission gone terribly wrong...but yeah. WTF am I supposed to do with that? Lower the mattress? If I convert her bed to the next stage, I'm pretty sure she'll be putting diapers on her babies all night instead of sleeping.

  4. This is hilarious!!!!
    I am with you on #1. I just did an entire post on pregnancy comments. Wow.

  5. HILARIOUS! I am only 13 weeks (tomorrow) and I am much bigger than you! Imagine how I feel when people ask me how far along I am and then the horror on their face when I tell them I am not that far along... HATE IT. HATE THEM!

  6. Good luck on the toddler bed!! And your belly is adorable!

  7. Haha- I love your blog! You crack me up :) Great way to start my day! People will always stare and make rude comments about everything. Good thing you know you're growing a BEAUTIFUL lil baby in there :)

  8. Hilarious, AP! I'm a proud wearer of hubby's fraternity shirts, too...although when AL starts reading, those will be going away! I think you look great!

  9. Teehee - all of it! You're always there for a good laugh. Thanks. And don't freak, but I had a dream you were on Oprah. Yes, I think that highly of you :)

  10. BAHAHA! I absolutely love this post. Literally, I'm on the verge of peeing my pants in my corner at work and people are looking at me funny.

    You look FANTASTIC! I had the same problem, people thought I was "pushing my stomach out" because I started showing so quick with my 2nd. And my mouth worked faster than my brain and a few people I told it looked like they were "pushing out their guts too" Oops!

    Can't wait to see the new bedding for C's big boy bed! I loved that stage! :)

  11. Haha!! I died about the husband's tshirt. DIED. I wear J's tshirts for bed all the time and I told him just the other night that Ill have to invest in appropriate pj's when K can read because she doesnt need EXTRA places of learning 'bad' words, besides you know, straight from her mama's mouth...
    Hope that bed comes quick! I cant believe that mr. C. what a stink.

  12. These are so cute and funny!!

    I think you look great! This is your second time around, I've heard that women ALWAYS show sooner and bigger the second time around.

    Also, C was a10+ lb baby?! Wow!! You are amazing!!

  13. Why is that people have no filter on their mouths when there are pregnant people present....or control of their hands (always wanting to rub belly).

    you look fantastic!!!!

  14. Love these! Just the laugh I needed this morning:)

  15. LOVE it!! I apparently was huge as well - my coworker (who never saw me pregnant) loves to tell people how gigantic I was - seriously?! I also had lots of people ask me if I was carrying twins - when I was like 20 weeks. I even had people SHOCKED that Xan was not twins after I delivered (note I only gained 25 lbs, so... where do they get off?)

    Luckily Xan has not figured his way out of the crib yet - he is too wild, I am going to keep him penned in as long as I possibly can!

    I also sported hubby's inappropriate shirts - I am pretty sure one says I <3 beer! So classy on a preggo!

    So in conclusion, love it, love it, love it!

  16. I think I need to do this open letter thing!

  17. I so wish I was going to Blissdom! I wanna meet your pretty face sometime!

  18. LOL! Love the t-shirt! And I'm sympathizing on the belly comments.

    My neighbor - who I love dearly - said yesterday, "You're so not making it to April! You're huge!" I about died.... because I know for a fact this is small for me and that by the end I'll look like I've got a yoga ball under my shirt.... *sigh* So looks like I'll be listening to *fun* comments like that for at least another 2 1/2 months!

  19. If I ever get the opportunity to share a hotel room with you, I really, really, really want you to wear that tshirt. Promise? Although, will your belly fit in it? I mean .. you are looking pretty big these days. ;)

  20. YES!!!! I've been craving some good ole AP snark! Love it!! I dont love C getting out of his crib but that definitely may facilitate M getting his big boy bed up sooner and then you can get going on M2's nursery :) you made my day today friend!!

  21. I had a 9 lb 9 oz baby. ALL women carry differently. Tell them to kiss your a$$!

    Try using those heath toffee bits in Apple Brickle Dip!! Amazing!!!

    •1 package (8 ounces) cream cheese, softened
    •1/2 cup packed brown sugar
    •1/4 cup sugar
    •1 teaspoon vanilla extract
    •1 package almond brickle chips (7-1/2 ounces) or English toffee bits (10 ounces)
    •3 medium tart apples, cut into chunks

    •In a bowl, beat cream cheese, sugars and vanilla. Fold in brickle chips. Serve with apples. Refrigerate any leftovers.

  22. You are hysterical. I love this!

  23. OMG, that shirt is AWESOME! I'm gonna need to see a pic ASAP. Feel free to put that on twitter.

  24. For the record, I'm jealous of your quickly showing bump. I'm dying to get to that stage. The whole "I look like I ate 3 too many bowls of ice cream" stage is for the birds. I feel the need to rub my tummy in public as if it's sign language for, "I'm knocked up, not fat."

  25. Love this! You are too funny!

    As all the other brilliant commentors have said... You look fab! You're growin a baby in there. Who cares if you have a belly! It's not like anything else looks pg! You wear it well!

    Much love!!!

  26. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Thanks for making me laugh...needed that! Tommy's been in the toddler bed for a few months now. Debating about a big boy bed as i think he might sleep better in it. you'll have to post on how it works out!

  27. HAHA!!! Love :) Made me laugh!!!

  28. People wear my ass out. Seriously. Why in the world would you EVER tell anyone "ohhhhh my goodness!! you are so big!". It's not okay. Ever.

    And they're retarded because as I said before, you are rockin' this pregnancy thing.

    And wow!, C is ready for a big boy bed?!?! I have no idea as to what is the normal age to transition them to a big boy bed, but I know that I will have a nervous breakdown when it happens... chances are good it'll happen on my 30th birthday next year which will be totally crippling. Thirty AND your baby boy is about to walk out the door to college. Awesome.

  29. Hahaha! I love this! I think I may have to stat doing this - a great way to vent!! :) Good idea, AP ;)


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