Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Not Tonight Honey.

I had a Red Bull and two Madeline cookies for lunch today if you've been wondering how life with three under four is going. With a near nineteen pound three month old, you'd think I'd be skinnier than I am and my arms (well, at least my right arm) more toned than they currently are. I'm here to tell you that neither is the case. In fact, I've still got twenty pounds to lose despite my short stint with weight loss snack bars. I mean, I'm sure the Madelines and copious amounts of caffeine and high fructose corn syrup aren't helping matters but come on now! 

Despite having washed my face and brushed my teeth for the night only moments earlier, here I am sitting on the couch, laptop popped open having just grabbed a Hershey bar from the fridge. We're the Millers is playing on TV and serves as semi-adequate background noise. I also totally just lied to you- I definitely didn't wash my face before and rarely ever do before bed, it just made the sentence flow a bit better so I decided to throw it in there. I need to get better at that. 

Washing my face, I  mean. Not the lying part.

My husband is trying to lure me upstairs with the promise of wine and a hot shower. The wine sounds tempting while the shower certainly is not. It's one of those strings-attached showers, if you know what I mean and those sorts of things lead to babies and we're maxed out in that department currently and forever, thankyouverymuch.

I'm pretty sure he just wants to see my new tattoo. After all, who waits until they're in their late twenties/early thirties to starting making poor life decisions and permanently inking their body? I'm kidding about the last part there. It's no secret that I put a lot of thought into my ink and the same rings true for my latest addition. Even though his first remark upon seeing it was, "shit, that's bigger than I expected," he quickly sang a different tune when he decided to start telling me that he "read somewhere that girls with more than one tattoo like to..." Well, you can just fill in that there blank yourselves. 

If you're wondering, the answer is, "they don't' like to do that" so unfortunately my husband was sorely misinformed. It does have me questioning his current choices of reading material, that's for sure. Girls with more than one tattoo and three children under four love to sleep. That's what they love. They love to sleep and eat Hershey bars long after everyone is in bed so that she doesn't have share a single goddamned piece. 

Speaking of pieces, I have to clean our house before the house cleaners come tomorrow which is the dumbest fucking thing in the entire world. Now, let's pause for a minute so that the Internets can rip me a new one for hiring a house cleaner because whine, whine, whine, cry, cry, cry, woe is me and I can't even clean my own house and take care of my children. See what I did there? I did it for you. Asshole thereupon ripped.

The reality of that is that I can, in fact, clean my house but when the kids tear it apart thirty-six seconds later, I want to throw things, lots of things, just like they do. Instead, when someone else cleans my house and the kids tear it apart thirty-six seconds later, I've wasted not my own time but rather my money and I'm okay with that. Now, when the cleaning crew comes, I throw the kids into the car and we go out to breakfast. We bring donuts to the park. It's the best $120 I spend every month. 

If you don't count the large iced cookie dough coffees from Dunkin Donuts and Spicy Chicken Deluxe sandwiches from Chick-Fil-A.  

Seriously though, I'm about to break up with our current house cleaner. I'm new to this "luxury" if you want to call it that (previously we had our home "deep cleaned" a couple of times per year but when they're coming on the regular there's literally a "de-clutter clause" in my contract that says I must de-clutter the house before they arrive. 

Clearly they have no idea what it's like to live with small children because, hellerrr, they are the epitome of clutter. So before I brushed my teeth and lied to you about washing my face, I was de-cluttering my house which really meant I was moving one pile of shit from the floor in one room to another table in a different room and maybe shoving some of it in a drawer. 

I'm about three months and a baby behind in my writing. I don't have much else to say about that other than I have the words. I really do. I just don't have the time to write them. How do people have the time to do these things? I think I'm on the verge of figuring it out... 

Last week I hired a Mother's Helper. She's a high school graduate who comes to my house four hours a week and plays with my kids. She does this so that I can do things like write, cook, or fold a load of laundry without having to get up 1,589 times to break up a fight, put someone in timeout, fill a sippy cup, spread peanut butter on a sandwich, roll the baby back over to his back, change a diaper or really, tell my kids, "wait one more minute." The truth is they really love our new helper and I'll be sad to see her off to college in a couple of months. 

At this rate, by then I will have outsourced every single one of my domestic responsibilities. 

I will also be broke. 

If only I could hire someone out to satisfy my husband.

I kid. I know what I signed up for when I got married. I'm pretty sure there was something about that in my vows or something. 

I know. I know what you're going to say.  This is just a season. How much do you want to kick a kitten every time someone says, "oh, but it's just a season," or "give yourself some grace." I'm pretty sure that if it wasn't for the blog world, those two sayings would be all but obsolete, no matter how very true they might be. The blog world is a funny, funny place. 

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some more chores to do. Not tonight honey, I need to wash my... face.  

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42 comments :

  1. There's that snark and sas and smart ass that is AP. Loved this. And hey. Haters gonna hate. More power to you for hiring help!!!! Enjoy!!! XO

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  2. I loved so much of this post! The brutal honesty was downright humorous, especially because I can relate to many of these things despite not having three kids under four. I have a nine-year-old, and one due next month, but I think we mothers share similar grievances no matter how many kids we have, or their ages. Hang in there, mama. You're doing a wonderful job! Oh, and if you write another post like this one again, I won't be mad. ♥

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  3. I died. great post- I was literally laughing and nodding my head along with you!

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  4. Oy I would LOVE to have someone come and clean the house. I beg, I plead, but husband thinks I have plenty of free time to do it. Silly men! Although, if I had to declutter my house, then it totally wouldn't work for me. My house is one big clutter!

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  5. Awesome post, thanks for your honesty and hilarity.

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  6. Absolutely love the candid and truthful writing in this post :)

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  7. You speak truth, life twin. I stayed up until midnight last Thursday so I could do the following: 1) de-clutter for the impending visit of our wonderful "Ms. Helena" who makes my house glow once a month (even though it looks like ass within an hour of her departure); 2) eat the biggest-ass bowl of ice cream ever all.by.myself, 3) outlast my husband who I hoped would fall asleep first to avoid the aforementioned "shower" scenario. 'Tis but a season…perhaps a longer one than I thought. :o) Thanks for the great post.

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  8. You are hysterical! Funniest post I've ever read.

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  9. Your back! Missed you!!! No judging here! Just jealousy! But I have conned our parents to help us for free he he he. My dad is retired and helps me the most. He is currently on a motorcycle trip. I woke up this morning wishing he was back to help me but also feeling accomplished that I've been doing it by myself for a few days. Isn't it funny how different it is when shop is closed up. When we were trying to get pregnant and ended up with twins I was following the sperm to egg plan and ended up attempting 4 nights in a row. Remember college? Multiple times a day?!

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  10. I heart you! Why has it taken me so long to start reading your blog? I hate the "let's hurry and clean the house before the cleaners get here" but paying someone to do the deep cleaning is worth every penny. Oh, and FYI... Last night I washed my face with a baby wipe. Try it!

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  11. I seriously sound like my mother when I tell my husband and Kennedy that we need to "clean up because the housekeeper is coming!" And I hate myself for it. Good for you to hire a mother's helper, too! I'm sure that is helping out quite a bit!!

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  12. Well now you could hire out those wifely duties ;) it might be a little more expensive than the house cleaner but it could be well worth it!

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  13. I'm seriously dying. I feel this way with just one kid...and I've already looked into hiring a helper when number 2 arrives. And I'm seriously uber impressed at the amount of blogging you've done since Collins arrived....I think you're doing wonderfully mama!

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  14. I need both of those people to help me, haha! I've got a lot of convincing though! Loved this post so much! Your humor is amazing!

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  15. If I could be hiring some help right now, I would be doing it in a heartbeat...And I only have one baby:) You are well-deserving of hired help, friend. Well-deserving.

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  16. You need to write a book. Loved this post, now can you send your cleaning lady and mother's helper my way?

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  17. We used to have a house cleaner come once a month and I would always clean before she came. Finally I decided I didn't want to spend the $150/month since the house was always trashed again a day later and I can clean it myself for free and save the money. But I do miss having someone else do the grimy toilet cleaning stuff for me.

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  18. great post. never be ashamed for "buying" help

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  19. I've always told my husband that WE "need a wife around here". Seriously. It's our go to comment when we get overwhelmed. You nailed everything about the season of life involving semi civilized small one. We have all been there. ALL of us whether they admit or not. You are breath of fresh air.

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  20. How I loved this post. I can relate in so many ways! And I need a mother's helper in my life. Why haven't I thought of this before?

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  21. I love, love, love how you keep it real! :-)

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  22. real.life
    its a shame i want more babies cuz id be ok with never doing the deed again!

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  23. I don't understand why people would hate on you for having help. Sounds a bit like jealousy to me. I only have 1 kiddo (and 1 on the way!) and I work from home about 15ish hour a week and we have a maid once a month too, and I basically have a "mother's helper" too to allow me to get some work done and then I use the extra time for things like laundry, cooking, etc. and about once a week, I even bail and go to yoga. GASP.

    Love this post. Rock it, mama.

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  24. my gosh, this is glorious!!! i just want to high five you but i hate high fives, they're so dorky! anyway, hi! i am new to your bloggy, and man it is good for the soul of a momwife!

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  25. I really want to find a house cleaning service. I think I'd be a happier wife.

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  26. I kinda love you. And your new, take-no-shit attitude. No other way to put it other than, best.post.ever.

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  27. Ah the sass, I love it. You sound very much like myself! I am glad that you hired some help. Hopefully it all helps darlin'!

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  28. This is probably the best thing I have read this week. No, make that this year.

    People can hate all they want but who doesn't want a cleaning crew or a mother's helper? I'd hire either one in a second!

    I love your blog and I love your honesty. Please hire another mother's helper when your current one goes to college so you'll have time to write amazing posts like this!

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  29. every single word! Fist bump to you. I get the same way about cleaning. Yes I can do it..and I do...but I hate it b/c 2 seconds later after cleaning the bathroom, someone (the men, not me) will urinate on the seat and/or my husband will think that now is a good time to shave...and leave beard clippings that are a bitch to clean all over the counter....sigh

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  30. I love this. Thanks for being so honest.

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  31. TRUTH. This post was sassy & awesome. I have no doubt that you love your kids but your honesty is awesome. And were can I get a Mother's Helper sounds awesome.

    BY THE WAY, I live in Uganda and there is actually a brand of honey called "Not tonight honey." I'm not sure if they understand what this saying means but its awesome. And I have a jar of it in my cabinet.

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  32. ohmygosh you are the frikking BOMB.

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  33. This post is exactly why your blog is always at the top of my must-read list!! Honest, real life, no apologies. LOVE it!

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  34. I have a cleaning lady and am looking for a nanny. No shame lady. Your family is loved. There' no such thing as domestic "duties" in my book! I'm a mom and I work. I need help! :)

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  35. L O F L! You are too much.

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  36. If anyone hates on your for hiring help to help deep clean your home and give you a 4 hour break so you can recharge your batteries, they're either jealous or a moron. I have a housekeeper once/week who does our laundry and a full time nanny (b/c I work full time) and I have ONE kid. I don't apologize one bit. You have allowed yourself to give MORE to your family this way. As they say on airplane- "put on your own oxygen mask first".

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