Friday, March 21, 2014

Finding Joy In The Unexpected {Hospital Stay}

When you're going to the hospital because you're having contractions five minutes a part, don't think, "oh, they'll probably fizzle out once I get there," and grab only your phone charger, slipping on a pair of ratty TOMS on your way out the door. 

Why? Because those contractions won't fizzle out and you will develop supraventricular tachycardia forcing you to spend not one but two nights in the hospital and all you will have to wear, once you finagle your way out of the hospital gown, is what your husband brings for you- which bless his heart, all seems to be of the same color schema: blue. Blue tank top, blue underwear, blue yoga pants. 

If you see a smurf walking the halls of Labor and Delivery, it's me. 

Even though you're certain those contractions will fizzle out and you'll be on your way back home in no time, kiss your babies goodbye before you step out. Because if you don't and you end up developing supraventricular tachycardia and spending two nights in the hospital, your hormonal pregnant self will cry multiple times each day at the thought of not kissing the soft warm skin of their foreheads, brushing the hair from their eyes or being the one to tuck them into bed at night. 

If you see a smurf walking the halls of Labor and Delivery with swollen, red-rimmed eyes, it's me.

I know it could be much worse- as far as I know, I'm busting out of this joint tomorrow, fingers crossed, and throughout everything, the ten hours of contractions five minutes a apart, the scary fast heart rate and an infection of unknown source that has caused my white blood cell count to sky rocket upwards of 22,000, Collins has been a trooper. Always looking perfect on the monitors. Never once giving us any reason to worry about him. And if my white blood cells continue to trend downwards with antibiotics, I get to walk out of here tomorrow. I know it could be worse. 

I'm a planner by nature. That's no surprise. I've been a planner my whole life and so I thrive on plans. The unexpected surprise of being admitted to the hospital and having to stay not one but two nights has me struggling. I miss the boys something fierce. Had I been able to prepare myself, I think I would have handled the situation much better. After all, in a few short weeks I'll have to leave them for twice as many nights as we welcome the newest little brother. I'm okay with that. Why? Because I've been preparing myself for it. Unlike this surprise admission. This bump in the road, if you will. 

Also of note, when you're on the Labor and Delivery floor but you're not currently engaged in either of those two activities, labor or delivery, you tend to be overlooked. Not to mention that you're not even technically "on the floor" but in a windowless triage room because that's the only available room on the unit. Factor in that you might take it upon yourself and your many years of nursing knowledge to silence your own beeping pump and fix your own toco monitor and therefore, your self-sufficiency has basically rendered you forgettable. 

Having worked in a hospital for years, I get it. Hospitals are S-L-O-W slow and medical professionals often make for the worst patients- but for crying out loud, is it too much to ask to see a doctor or nurse just once in a six hour span? Trust me, I would gladly be at home rather than taking up a bed on your unit but while I'm here, you might as well check in on me from time to time and maybe fill me in The Plan. I like plans, remember?

When you're sitting in a windowless triage room for hours on end, strapped to a bed underneath the weight and itchiness of monitors, you have plenty of time to think. Think about things like, "Maybe I should go home and pack a go-bag for the hospital," or "Maybe now is a good time to order those curtains I've been wanting for the family room." I cannot be held responsible for any of the online shopping that has taken place these last forty-eight hours. 

I've also had plenty of uninterrupted time to listen to my sweet son's heartbeat, beating strong and solid on the monitor next to my bed. I've had hours upon hours to watch him roll and move about in my belly. Hearing the cries of brand new babies, I can't help but imagine what his first cries will sound like. Cries that I'll be hearing in just a few short weeks. 

After all, we don't have too much longer together, he and I, in this way. Before I know it he will be an outside baby and feeling him move and grow inside of me will be nothing more than a memory. It will quickly be replaced by tiny kissable toes and that sweet intoxicating baby smell. 

Even though its hard to be here, even though it hurts more than I ever anticipated to be away from my boys unexpectedly, I'm reminding myself to savor these moments because they are moments I will never get back.

Here's to finding the joy in the unexpected.    
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  1. Thinking of you AP! Praying you get to go home tomorrow.

  2. hang in there! Was in your same boat earlier this week with kidney stones - probably to be admitted for another few nights next week to remove the stones. It's as if our third babies are making sure it's our last pregnancies ;) thinking about you!!

  3. oh mama. i wish i could come visit! thinking of you and collins my love!

  4. I was in e.r. With sinus tachycardia. I was prepared my whole pregnancy to be on bed rest or put in the hospital. I was ignored in the hospital. I don't know how to silence alarms. That would have been very helpful! I'm sure your boys are doing fine. You will get to kiss them soon. The first night away from Chase, my first full night away from him ever, I was crying too hard to say good night to him on FaceTime. I'm such a baby! He was totally fine without us.

  5. Hang in there mama!!! You'll be back home tomorrow and this will just be another memory!!!

  6. so sorry! i had a scary bout of SVT and some other heart issues with baby 2. i ended up in the ICU with a heart rate of around 200bpm sometimes higher. after a three day stay, i was back home with my first baby. and thankfully the baby i was carrying was unaffected. (Even through 2 super fun (not!) rounds of adenosine).
    all in all, even though unplanned and definitely not how i wanted to leave my first baby, it did give me comfort knowing that she was well taken care of and helped ease my mind knowing i could expect as much when the actual "baby time" came!
    hope you'll be home with all your boys soon!

  7. I do my praying these days when I rock my toddler down for his naps. Here's a rocking chair - mama - prayer for you, for peace for your mama-heart, your four chambered pump, and your little boys. And that you can give yourself grace to enjoy that heartbeat on the monitor and another night at the most expensive hotel in town.

  8. Sister!!!! OH NO! I had no idea!!!! Bless your heart!!! I so hope you are out of that place tomorrow!!!!!! Big hugs momma!!!

  9. After I had Becca, I had to stay an extra day in the hospital because I had some bleeding issues during delivery. Okay, fine. But the next day...I literally did not see a doctor or nurse ALL DAY LONG. At 6pm, someone poked their head in and said, "How's the bleeding? All okay?"


    Anyway, I understand, and I hope you're heading home soon!

  10. So sorry you had to be away from your cute boys, but what a great time to just enjoy that baby inside without all the chaos. And I love that he brought you all blue. Haha. It matched to him!😂

  11. ughhh. I hate this for you. Hoping you made it out of the hospital. Nothing is worse than having to visit the L&D floor before you really should be there.

  12. I've been stalking your IG feed to see how you were doing. I can't imagine "unexpected" plans because I too am a planner! Seeing this post and seeing your IG posts has made me really think about packing my hospital bag and planning about what I'm doing with my son during my c-section and after too! Being a planner sucks sometimes :) Keeping you in my thoughts!


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