Monday, August 22, 2016

This Is What Extended Nursing Looks Like.


It wasn't until I sat down to write this post that I realized just how much (or how little, depending on how you look at it) I've written about my adventures in breastfeeding my three boys. 

From the very first post where I wrote about how formula saved us as an overwhelmed, exhausted and unhappy first-time nursing mother, to sharing my thoughts on nursing in public after a particular video went viral, I've shared a myriad of feelings on the subject. I continued to write about how I didn't hate breastfeeding the second time around and finally, after thirty-nine consecutive months of nursing, I recapped it all and shared my feelings on what it felt like to be an extended nursing mother, although even today, I still can't quite accept that title.

And here's why: 

"Extended nursing" sounds silly to me. It sounds like when you would tack on several minutes to a typical nursing session between you and your child rather than denote someone who chooses to extend their decision to nurse beyond the first year of life. 

No mother should need to defend her choices when it comes to the manner in which she feeds her child. I feel like I need that statement to be said right out of the gate, before I show you what extended nursing really looks like. Before I show you what it really looks like to have been nursing for fifty months.

Fifty-months. I can't even believe it. 

Mind you, those fifty consecutive months that I speak of were not for one child as you will soon find out. Those months are a combination of nursing my middle child to 22 months, stopping the day before his brother was born and nursing his brother to where he is today, nearly 2.5 years old. 

I never for a single minute expected to be nursing this long. After setting an initial goal of six weeks that quickly turned into three months and then nine months and then a year (and so the story goes), I never imagined, yet, to be nursing my twenty-eight month old. Admitting how long I've been nursing has made me fear being called "radical," "strange" or "one of those kinds of mothers." 

I'm not even sure what "that kind of mother" looks like, because honestly? She looks just like me. Looking at me, I'm certain you wouldn't guess that I've nurse my child beyond the age of two, well beyond the "normal" standard for breastfeeding but I wan't to take a stab at decreasing the stigma associated with nursing beyond the norm.

"Look at us! We're extended nursers and we're pretty normal," I want to exclaim! We do all of the same things you do! We put our pants on the same way, we take vacations at the beach, we fight, we play, we laugh, we even fail on the regular! In other words, we are no more or less perfect than "regular" nursing mothers or even non-nursing mothers. We all love our kids well and hard and are trying our best to do right by them.


Extended nursing is not glamorous. Nor is it is not something I feel I need to share with everyone (although that seems to be what I'm doing right now). As a matter of fact, it rarely, if ever, comes up in conversation with girlfriends or acquaintances and I'll usually only divulge my experience if asked, or if it's appropriate to the topic at hand.  

Extended nursing looks just like we do. 

It looks like comfort after sticking a pair of plastic sunglasses into an electrical socket and zapping yourself hard (true story). It looks like curling up in your mother's lap after a long, lazy, hot summer day, seeking comfort in those final few waking moments before sleep takes over. It's appearing at your mother's bedside in the early hours of the morning, being woken suddenly from sleep by a nightmare, tear-stained cheeks and sweaty baby head, asking sweetly, "Mama? Milkies?" 

It's seeking respite, finding "home" and settling into something warm and familiar when your senses are completely assaulted in a new, confusing and overwhelming place. Extended nursing feels like home to someone who spent nine months growing just on the other side of that space. 

And it happens in the most comfortable, least-posed places. There is no makeup team on hand as seen in many celebrity breastfeeding photos. There is no pomp, no circumstance. It just happens. 
  
At this stage in the game, we nurse in private (and certainly not on magazine covers) although if a situation were to arise in a public setting where that comfort was desired, chances are I wouldn't think twice. 

I will say, however, that the results of extended nursing not only benefited my son, but I found solace in this extended relationship as well. In the early mornings when no one else in our house was awake, in the moments when it was just him and I and could breathe him in selfishly without having to worry or tend to his brothers. At the end of an overwhelmingly busy day (or sometimes even in the middle) this relationship gave me reason to stop, pause and take a much-needed time out. It grounded me. 

Secretly I loved the moments when my son would pause mid-day, breaking free from being a blurry toddler tornado and come to me, even just for a minute- when he'd crawl into my lap and I'd get a glimpse of that tiny, snuggly-soft baby he was in those early days. 

I wouldn't trade those brief glimpses into our past for anything. 

I get it. Extended nursing isn't for everyone and trust me, at this juncture, I wouldn't feel comfortable nursing my three year old but I certainly don't judge those who do. Chances are, if you're nursing your three year old maybe you didn't expect to be there either, just as I didn't expect to be nursing my near two and a half year old. 

But as most things in Motherhood pan out, you can't plan for everything. 

For those of you who will vilify, assume that I'm lacking affection elsewhere or that I'm raising an Oedipus, I will just laugh. I will laugh at your ignorance and ignore the judgement you cast because at the end of the day, this isn't about nutrients (as we know that breastfeeding beyond the age of two is purely for comfort reasons) or research findings. Nursing my child this long will not cause him any long term "damage." He will not be "weird" because of it or "homosexual." He will not be a "philanderer" or "sexual sadist," because I nursed him beyond the age of two. 

Sure and I say this tongue-in-cheek, but there's a chance he could be any of those things later on in life but I can guarantee that it will not be caused by my decision to extend breastfeeding.

And I'm certainly not lacking in anything.

I imagine one day soon (or not soon) it will be the last day my son comes to me to nurse. It might be tomorrow, next week or several months from now and chances are I won't even realize it was the last time until a week or two passes by. There will be no agonizing over how to wean him, how to take away the one thing that gives me the utmost comfort. It will just be over, a relationship ending much more smoothly than it's rocky beginnings. 

I know one day I will mourn the ending of this relationship but I know, too, that I will also be happy. Happy because we both excelled and are now ready to move on to our next great adventure. While I'd like to think this will be the last post I ever write on extended breastfeeding, maybe I'll come back one day when the journey is long over and write my thoughts on it then. Talk about what it feels like to have myself back, wholly and completely. 

This is what extended breastfeeding looks like.



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8 comments :

  1. Thank you for this! Mia will be 1 in two months (ahhhh) and everyone always asks me how long I plan to nurse her. My answer is always until she is 1. For a lot of people in my life they think that is too long. She LOVESICK nursing I don't know how I will be able to ween her off without her having a major breakdown. I would happily nurse her for a while longer - I just don't want to deal with what other people say. It's sad that at the age of 33 I'm still worried about what people will think of me if I breast feed my child past the age of 1.

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  2. I'm still nursing my 27 month old too. Normally just before nap time and bed time. I nursed my oldest until 15 months & now I wonder why I felt like I had to wean him. It's okay though because he was a rocker and we spent a lot of time in the rocking chair together in the years since then. Hopefully my youngest will self wean whenever he is ready.

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  3. This post connects to me in many ways. I am still nursing my 26 month old and this was not a place I thought I would be, my goal was 6 months. I'm not someone you would look at and assume she's still nursing her toddler nor did I think I would. I am met with questions and comments especially being pregnant with my second child. I just think he'll stop when he's ready and it will come naturally. I do not think that this is something I'll be doing when he's three but I also didn't think I'd be doing this at 26 months. I too cherish our quiet moments together and know there will be a time when when he would rather hang out with his friends then be with his mama.
    Thank you for sharing this.

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  4. This post connects to me in many ways. I am still nursing my 26 month old and this was not a place I thought I would be, my goal was 6 months. I'm not someone you would look at and assume she's still nursing her toddler nor did I think I would. I am met with questions and comments especially being pregnant with my second child. I just think he'll stop when he's ready and it will come naturally. I do not think that this is something I'll be doing when he's three but I also didn't think I'd be doing this at 26 months. I too cherish our quiet moments together and know there will be a time when when he would rather hang out with his friends then be with his mama.
    Thank you for sharing this.

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  5. you are so awesome!!!!!!!! this is the sweetest and it makes me so happy. [i'm literally nursing right now.] i nursed my baby girl until 26 months and i *had* to finally wean her if we wanted to get preg with another baby. it was amazing birth control for me, apparently! but i love nursing and it broke my heart to wean her. that wasn't my plan at all. and even at 26 months i have to say, i never felt judged. i was always just really proud that my child was healthier than everyone else's. ;) my baby boy is one now and i don't see him quitting any time soon! but we will see. i'm all about whatever feels natural! so high five to ya, sweet mama! you have some precious boys!!!

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  6. Awesome! My 21 month old son and I still have a nursing relationship, and I NEVER thought we would at this age. Thank you for sharing!

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  7. Beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing. I nursed my first for 17 months, nursing while pregnant was not pleasant for me. And I'm currently nursing my second and wonder when she'll choose to end. I often wish I could have nursed my first through two, I think it would benefit us both so much. Thank you again for sharing and bravo sweet mama!

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  8. I nursed all three of my children and each one longer than the last. I won't ever condemn anyone for nursing their child, not my decision or any of my business.

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