Monday, June 10, 2013

6 Words You Should Never Say To A Mother. And 6 Words You Should.

I'm no stranger when it comes to taking the boys out together in public. Every day we run errands together, the three of us, and while some days that means just a quick car ride to the bank, most days it means we're running between the grocery store, Target, Walmart, the post office, etc. 

I'll never understand the mothers who choose to do their errands after their kids go to bed each night. By that time of night I'm practically comatose on the couch so for me, it just makes more sense to throw them in the car and whisper a quick prayer to the gods of toddlerdom that they don't do anything really stupid so as to land us on the nightly news story.

If I've learned anything in my three years as a mother it's my kids' limits. For instance, I know that I can only take them in and out of their car seats three times before all hell breaks loose and fire begins to shoot from their eyes. 

For those of you who can't do the math, that's three "buckle up's" and six in's and out's total. Try for a seventh in or out or fourth buckle up and I might as well stamp the words, "asking for it" on my forehead.

Have my cheeks flamed with the embarrassment of a public meltdown? Of course they have.  After all, my kids are only human and they're only three and one years old.  I certainly don't love running errands and I can't imagine they do either, regardless of how many cake pops I feed them or movies they watch on Netflix while in the checkout line of the grocery store. 

Most of the time I can use my mom-spidey-sense to thwart whatever I think might cause a meltdown at any specific time. Those toys or balloons at the beginning of the checkout aisles? Worst idea ever and I can almost guarantee the person whose bright idea to place them there wasn't a parent. So as to avoid them, I simply steer the cart away from them before either kid takes notice. Most of the time, this works. Some of the time? We head home $7.99 poorer with a giant, equally as creepy panda balloon.  

Some times, however, meltdowns are caused by the craziest of things. Perhaps the stranger in line behind us at Walmart breathed on the toddler the wrong way. Meltdown city and unfortunately unavoidable. In those scenarios? The most I can do is roll with it. Meltdowns don't last forever and I can promise you that your child isn't the first and certainly won't be the last to throw themselves to the floor in a fit of tears and spastic limbs.

What drives me absolutely crazy, however, isn't so much the meltdown as it is the reaction from onlookers. It wasn't until our recent family vacation to New Orleans that I had, on more than one occasion mind you, a passerby say quite possibly the worst six words you could say to a mother. 

"You really have your hands full." 

Let's take a minute to break this down logically, shall we?

Why, yes, Complete Stranger. You are right. Congratulations! You've undoubtedly made it past first grade math. I do, in fact, have two hands and two children which implies that yes, I do have my hands full. 

Never mind the fact that my toddler is currently licking Bourbon Street, literally face to the sidewalk, while my baby is ripping the straw from my hurricane with his Go-Go Gadget arms, sending bright red Koolaid-esque slushie flying everywhere, all the while we are trying to navigate the cobblestone walkways and dodge the puddles of "water" with a double stroller, during, might I add, the children's nap time, which, if I'm being honest, is difficult to adhere to when away from home in an unfamiliar environment while on some semblance of family "vacation." 

Yes, Complete Stranger, you are indeed right. My hands are full. But please don't offer to buy me a new drink or grab a stack of napkins from the bar behind you. Please don't look back wistfully and remember your children's early years, the same years you spent juggling them while out and about. 

Instead, using your best mockingly sympathetic tone, please make this already frustratingly awkward and intense situation all the more frustrating and intense by making me feel like an inadequate mother who is unable to control her wild heathens offspring.

My question for you, Complete Stranger, is this, "Do you think I asked them to behave like this? Do you think I said to them, "Toddlers, you are behaving too well! Shame on me for keeping you out past your nap time so that we, as your parents, may enrich your little lives by showing you new places and spending quality time together. After all, you aren't napping all that well in that unfamiliar hotel bed any way! Let's take you out on the town and show this new city just how ruthless and uncouth you really are! After all, I really get my rocks off seeing how far we can push your limits." 

The answer is no. I do not think any of those things and the last thing I want to do while out in public with my children is have to endure meltdowns and tantrums. But these things happen! They certainly happened when you were busy raising your children and they will undoubtedly happen when my children are raising their own children. 

All I do ask, Complete Stranger, is that you think before you speak. Because although I'm almost certain you meant no harm in those six stinging words, hell, perhaps saying them was your way of high-fiving me in the solidarity of parenthood that screams, "yes! I have been there. It gets better," your words imply otherwise. 

Your words imply that I am an inadequate mother who, in that moment, is losing control of her family. Your words imply that my hands will only get more full, my control less controlling, if I ever decide to expand that family. 

Instead, let me offer a suggestion to those six stinging words. Here are six new words I would prefer for you to whisper instead. 

"You are doing your very best."

And say them with a smile. A wistful nod that lets me know you've been there. That affirms my struggle to be the best mother I can when my children are spiraling out of control. Perhaps your child wasn't necessarily licking the sidewalks of Bourbon Street, but by saying those six words, it lets me know you've been there. 

And you've survived. Because isn't that what this game of Motherhood is all about? 
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29 comments :

  1. Ohmyword...I think that "you have your hands full" ranks right up there with asking someone who is 9 months pregnant if they're SURE they aren't having twins. (Not that I know that one from personal experience. Still bitter.)

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  2. Absolutely PERFECT post mama! Because this past week I heard that same phrase at least half a dozen times and I looked back at one woman in the checkout line at Target who used this exact phrase with such snark and said "well- I may have my hands full, but I have my heart even fuller as a result of my girls" to which I wanted to add a big "eff you" but somehow stayed composed. You are most certainly an amazing mother and it is nothing short of a miracle when any of us mothers can make it out of the house and back without a single incident. Kudos to you my love! Family vacations with toddlers are extremely challenging but if it means you get the time as a family in a place other than your hometown, it is a break in some form. I hope that NOLA was still a great time for the M fam regardless of this moron of a woman! xoxox

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  3. Those balloons at the checkout MAY have been used to bribe my toddler through the grocery store trip on Friday. But I wholeheartedly agree with this post on a lot of levels, but (naturally) most importantly...how in the HELL do women run errands in the evening. The idea of getting into the car and driving to ANY store, even with the promise of me and only me, is borderline offensive to me. Plus, at that point, I've already got my wine in hand and if I'm choosing between wine and Kohl's...let's get real.

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  4. The best advice I have ever received is something that I now recite back to those complete strangers - you cannot teach a child how to behave in public by keeping them at home. That usually shuts them up quickly!

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  5. Ha ha ha, do you know how many times I have heard those words as well as D@Naptime in Suburbia's prego words? The worst was when I had a newborn who had just gotten shots, who seemed fine and fell asleep in the car and once he woke up was in terrible pain and could not be soothed in any way or form-and I didn't realize we were out of infant tylenol until this point. My oldest got sick mid-day and was throwing up and since the baby wouldn't stop crying I had to trek all 3 of my kids out to find some tylenol, with my oldest carrying around a huge bowl (just in case). My middle son decided to throw a full on tantrum as we walked into the grocery store for that one item and this man walked by and asked "geeze, are these all yours?" I was livid-it was already a horrible and stressful day, then to add that? Thanks, Mister for being so very thoughtful. Then, the store was completely out of tylenol and we had to go to another store. Yeah....it was wonderful, just wonderful. Although, a lady shortly after did ask if I needed help and it reminded me that there are some of those few kind and unjudging people who really do understand what parenting entails and I really hope that I remember to be one of those kind people who offers a hand or even some kind words when I see a mom struggling, trying to do her best-because I don't care who you are or how perfect your kids are-you will at some point have a meltdown to deal with.

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  6. Ha ha ha, do you know how many times I have heard those words as well as D@Naptime in Suburbia's prego words? The worst was when I had a newborn who had just gotten shots, who seemed fine and fell asleep in the car and once he woke up was in terrible pain and could not be soothed in any way or form-and I didn't realize we were out of infant tylenol until this point. My oldest got sick mid-day and was throwing up and since the baby wouldn't stop crying I had to trek all 3 of my kids out to find some tylenol, with my oldest carrying around a huge bowl (just in case). My middle son decided to throw a full on tantrum as we walked into the grocery store for that one item and this man walked by and asked "geeze, are these all yours?" I was livid-it was already a horrible and stressful day, then to add that? Thanks, Mister for being so very thoughtful. Then, the store was completely out of tylenol and we had to go to another store. Yeah....it was wonderful, just wonderful. Although, a lady shortly after did ask if I needed help and it reminded me that there are some of those few kind and unjudging people who really do understand what parenting entails and I really hope that I remember to be one of those kind people who offers a hand or even some kind words when I see a mom struggling, trying to do her best-because I don't care who you are or how perfect your kids are-you will at some point have a meltdown to deal with.

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  7. Amen! There is nothing more infuriating. My current favorite when my toddler is having a meltdown is, "You're sure you want another?" {I'm expecting}. Yes, idiot... I do. Thanks for sharing, makes me feel a bit more normal. :)

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  8. Damn mama hormones but this post brought tears to my eyes. People can be so completely clueless when it comes to parenthood. You DO an amazing job, every day, even on the days that aren't your best. Raising human beings is no easy task and your mama skills never cease to impress me.

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  9. Damn mama hormones but this post brought tears to my eyes. People can be so completely clueless when it comes to parenthood. I feel that more often than not onlookers say or do the wrong thing. Just know that you do an amazing job, every day, even the days that aren't your best. Your mama skills are impressive and inspiring

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  10. bahaha... There are OH SO MANY THINGS I could retort to the "Complete Stranger". think before you speak knows no bounds. (Looking at you cashier woman who told me that boys were much better than girls, as I'm holding my 10 week old brand new daughter)! I am sure your children are not the first that have licked Bourbon street. Actually I do recall picking a full grown adult or two up off that street, the one may or may not have been licking it as well! And I am always sure to hold the door, or hand a napkin to a fellow mommy, even if my child is screaming ALL DONE at the top of her lungs! We have to stick together us women...

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  11. I have gotten (and I only have 1 kid) "He has a lot of engery, doesn't he?" Twice from the same woman in about a two minute span as we waited to board our 2nd (8.5hr) flight to Hawaii. I guess she took my ignoring her comment as not hearing her. I don't know why people open their mouths! Better he run around the airport after sitting still for 3 hours than run up and down the airport aisle while you try to nap!

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  12. So crazy I'm reading this. I was just in Target (less than 30 minutes ago) and there was a Mother with a newborn(ish) and toddler. A stranger said those exact words to her..."oh, you have your hands full." Unreal! Great post.

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  13. Bahaha YESSSS! It's so funny because whenever Benjamin has some, well, unsavory public behavior, I want to die of embarrassment and I feel like I'm the only mother in the world that this happens to (why is it that kids can't melt down next to one another, so at least we can commiserate with the mom of the other tantruming kid?). So of course, misery loves company, and I'm thrilled to know that I am not parent to the ONLY toddler in the world who likes laying down in public places, face down, licking. (WTH?!)

    I loved all your vacation photos - everything looked like complete perfection (left me thinking, "Wow - I want to go on a perfect vacation like that someday, with my perfect body, perfect clothes, perfect children, & perfect husband.") and again, it's nice to know that everyone's life isn't always as perfect as outsiders think ;-)

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  14. Omg I get this every time I'm out with the twins, which is everyday! Drives me nuts! I also get "wow! 2 at the same time. Better you than me." That makes me want to punch someone!!

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  15. I have a 5 yr old, 3 yr old and two 1 yr olds...if I hear "WOW! Your hands are full!" one.more.time. I will quickly empty my hands and clock someone!!! It is very, very hard to be gracious when someone says that! Although, I have heard "Well I really feel sorry for you" as well. Still trying to come up with an appropriate response to that one other than shock and awe.

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  16. I was nannying older girls this weekend and took them out to dinner. They were 15, 13, and two 11 year olds. They were great at dinner but as we were leaving the hostess says to me, " wow, you certainly have your hands full tonight." I couldn't believe it. The girls were nice, respectful, and polite throughout the whole dinner. People just don't think before they speak!

    I would have definitely offered to buy you another drink! And thanks for this post. I'll remember to do that next time I see a mom needing help.

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  17. You ARE doing your very best! And? After stalking your IG during your trip to Nola, it looks like you and the husband totally rocked out this whole traveling with children thing! I was certainly over here taking notes ;)

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  18. Love this! Sharing on facebook! Hopefully people start thinking about what they say!

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  19. Must be a south LA comment. Every time I take the dogs out someone here says that to me. Annoying!

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  20. Must be a south LA comment. Every time I take the dogs out someone here says that to me. Annoying!

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  21. AMEN! I get this ALL the time. I have twin 3 year olds and yes, they can be crazy. But they are THREE! What are we supposed to do? Sit at home with them and not let them experience anything? How will they learn to behave and be polite in the confines of our home? Whenever people say something like that (or many other things that go along with twin moms), I just smile and say "Thank God! Wouldn't have it any other way" (although that's a little bit of a stretch on somedays because I would like to shop quietly sometime BUT I am grateful beyond measure for my active and crazy kids)

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  22. I HATE THOSE WORDS.
    obvi not a mom yet myself, but i was a nanny for 3 kids under 4. i had a fresh 4 year old, a fresh 2 year old and a 3 month old. and for the entire year i would hear those words whenever i were in public. along with the look that i was crazy or far too young to have that many kids so close together. mine or not - annoying. people are so blah sometimes!
    you are an epic mom. and it is so special that you took this NOLA vacation with your kids!

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  23. Ugh hate that. Also dislike "Just wait until..."

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  24. Whenever people say anything to me I just try my very hardest to ignore it. Because I know that I fail a lot at being a mother but I also know that no matter what my kids love me. And I know yours do too. I always got lookers and commenters whenever my older 2 (now 14 and 12) were younger because I was a super young mom and they'd say things like "you are awfully young to have children" and I would say "yup I started when I was 11" or something smartass back.

    Anyways, my youngest Colton (a little over 3) has been having HORRIBLE meltdowns these past few months. Last night he laid outside in the itchy grass without a shirt on for 10+ minutes because I wouldn't pick up his bat that he just threw at me! LOL!

    But YOU ARE DOING THE BEST YOU CAN!!! I think you are an amazing mother and your boys love you, I'm sure! That's all that matters!

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  25. I don't get that comment but I have gotten comments about my son being "thick" "well fed" etc and I want to slap people. I usually let it roll off my back but it drives me nuts! Just recently on my lunch hour a lady at target had her two little ones with her and one started fussing so I started playing peekaboo with her and she calmed down. I saw that look in the moms eyes... I did what I could to help!

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  26. I'm glad I read this because I'm usually too shy to ask people if they need any help, but now I definitely will!

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  27. Yes. Offer to help, give an encouraging word, or back the hell off. Those are the only acceptable options, ever.

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  28. Amen sister - preach it! I had a woman tell me today that the cart was not a safe place for Hadley. Ok, so I should put the 6 month old where while the toddler sits in the seat part of the cart and grocery shop how? She was lucky I was in a good mood before I met her!

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  29. ive gone out with both kids about a handful of times so far and at least 2-3 people say this to me EVERY TIME. My answer is to smile and say, yes, full of love :) (take that asshole...wooops)

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