Thursday, May 30, 2013

More Grace, Please.

For the first time in nearly three years, I wished myself away from my children. 

I wished not just in my head but out loud that I had a job outside of the home, a job that took me away from them so I wouldn't have to talk over them all day, reprimand them, to yell at them, my commands falling on deaf toddler ears. 

Some days I feel like a broken record. "Don't sit on the table. Don't jump on the couch. Don't pull the baby's leg. Don't drag the baby across the floor. Don't throw your trucks. Stop taking his toys. Please share your things. Help me clean up. Just sit down. SIT STILL FOR A MINUTE. NO! NO! NO!"

Most days are good days. Great days, even. But some moments are just bad enough that they almost make you forget the great days. 

It was seconds after the toddler head-butted the baby down the single step down in the kitchen that I lost my shit. He was fine, of course, shaken up no doubt, but I lost it so bad by the time I was done yelling at the toddler, with tears streaming down his face, he was asking for his daddy. 

With tears streaming down my face, I told him I know exactly how that feels. 

It was not my finest mothering moment. In fact, it's one among many that I'm not particularly proud of but this shit is hard. Mothering is no joke. It's not playing house. It's not all dandelions and pancakes, pinterest projects and perfect pictures. 

It's a text message to your husband at 5:30pm asking him to come home because you can't, not for another minute, be in the same house as your kids. Because walking out on them, as crasy as it sounds, actually seems like a really good idea at the moment. 

It's a baby gate on the toddler's bedroom door and quiet time for the baby in his crib as you sit in the cold, quiet basement, monitors turned off so that you can't hear the constant calls, "Mom! Mommy? Momma!" Ashamed for how you reacted, racking your brain for other ways in which you could have handled the situation. 

I've never wished myself away from my kids and almost as quickly as I wished that wish, I regretted it. But I'm only human. I only have so much patience. There is no manual to mothering. I don't know about your kids but mine certainly didn't come with a handbook, let alone a loose set of "guidelines" or shit, helpful tips even. 

I'm so grateful for a husband who, without hearing the frustration or the sadness and regret in my voice, knew immediately that he had to come home. Who walked through the door after a crazy day at work and said, "go." 

He also said, "boys, take it easy on your mama or you're going to leave me with a ragged, empty shell of a woman I used to know," but that's neither here nor there. 

I'm writing this because I know I can't be the only know who feels like this sometimes and it's reassuring to know I'm not the only one who maybe once (or twice) wished themselves away from their kids only to find themselves curled up on the edge of their sleeping toddler's bed a mere three hours later, tears streaming down their face as they apologized to their sleeping toddler, hoping that when he wakes he won't remember Scary Mommy, but rather the mommy who blew bubbles and painted pictures and splashed around in the backyard kiddie pool that hot Wednesday morning.

Mothering isn't easy but I find peace knowing that tomorrow is a new day. I don't know about you but I could sure use more grace, please. 

 


Follow on Bloglovin

54 comments :

  1. I dont have a toddler (only a baby) but my nephew was visiting over the long weekend and MAN, I dont know how those people do it with a toddler and a baby close in age. Lots of hug nicely, she doesnt like to be touched, no biting the dog, you cant pee off the deck into the pool, please use the restroom, no holding your brother so tight he's turning blue, your cousin doesnt like to be dragged by her foot... ALL day every day. They sure like to run her ragged. Everyone has to think these thoughts, and kids are resilient - he'll be back to his jolly ole self when he wakes up as he is trying to carry/drag his brother somewhere else! PS so happy I can comment again!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have moments like this. Scary mom moments where I yell so loud my child actually looks afraid of me. Moments that when their over a feeling of regret immediately washes over me and I end up on years right along with him. The sad thing is I do work outside the home. I do a get a break. So I'm not entirely sure what my excuse is when I lose my shit other than this mothering job is hard. Harder then Id ever imagined. But I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Because the good days? They are oh so good and hopefully outweigh the scary ones.

    Excellent post AP!

    ReplyDelete
  3. You literally wrote exactly what I've been feeling, but haven't been able to put into words.

    Been there (AM THERE). Done that (AM DOING THIS).

    We'll get through it, but you're right. Parenting is freaking hard.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh girl, I babysat a two-year-old and an eight-month-old for two days. TWO. and I seriously couldn't do it another day. Both days I felt frustrated and like I wasn't having enough patience. I felt like I couldn't be any more gentler when I said the same things fifty thousand times to the two-year-old but I wasn't being gentle enough. I thought about you a lot, actually, because I know your two are about the same age & I thought how amazing you are for doing it every day and seemingly with A LOT of grace. That little guy will never remember you yelling at him like that, he'll just remember all the fun things you did together. Have some grace for yourself and seriously, drop them off with the grandparents sometimes & go do your thing and get refreshed. Thinking of you! XO

    ReplyDelete
  5. I work full-time so most of the time I'm wishing I was at home. However, there have been a couple of days I've taken off to be at home that I'm like OMG I WANT TO GO TO WORK. Of course, I immediately regret it...but it truly happens to ALL of us! Hang in there, you're doing a great job! :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh man. I know how you feel. I had one very bad morning when I was screaming at my 7 year old about I don't even know what now right before school. I screamed at my husband too. They left and then I text my husband and told him to explain to our poor son about crazy lady pregnancy hormones. Cried all morning. I almost drove up to his school to apologize but figured I would look even crazier.

    Hang in there. It happens to all of us. Kudos to your husband. Sometimes all you need is a few minutes to clear your mind. Luckily the kids are very resilient and hopefully we aren't screwing them up:)

    ReplyDelete
  7. You are totally not alone! I took my girls to daycare yesterday (this is their last full week and i'm taking advantage) and spent the entire day by myself! But, after picking them up and the whining immediately beginning by both of them, getting them home, fixing dinner, playing, and getting them ready for bed, I immediately couldn't wait for my husband to get home (he worked late) and thought how am I going to do this all summer! We all need our breaks!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I dont have kids, obvi, but I love how honest and real you are in this post. Life gets hard and it really isnt about all the pinterest of happiness we see in blogs or IG or twitter or whatever. We all go through shit. We all say things we wish we hadn't. But it is human. It is life. We all need to be real and know that our lives aren't perfect. Thanks lady :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. I read your post with tears in my eyes. Because this has been me. My beautiful 2 year old daughter has been scared of me. For yelling at her. For telling her once that she was horrible and she just can't ever behave. I think we all have these moments, but it sure is easier reading about other people who have and realizing its just part of mothering. But the good news is, they don't remember. The other things overpower. And you'll be better in the morning probably because of it!
    Lori
    lbatson05@att.net

    ReplyDelete
  10. Bless you. Mothering is NO JOKE. Hardest job out there. Add to it, stay at home mothering, and that's even harder I think. But, thankfully, those sweet little hearts forgive so freely and so quickly. You are human. We all fall short of perfection. That's NORMAL. Give yourself grace. Freely, just as He gives it. May today be a new day full of grace and laughter.

    xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
  11. I needed this SO much!!! Everything you said was perfect! I've been Scary Momma around my home lately, and it's not pretty! I have a 7 month old daughter and she's just started getting into the depths of teething. Up until now she has been one of the best babies I've ever met... She slept 24/7 as a newborn, was sleeping through the night by 2 months, transitioned to her crib at 6 months with NO trouble, always smiling, and the list goes on. She was so good that I even dared to say that she would breeze through teething too. Well I was obviously wrong! She has been putting me through hell and back, and there isn't even a sign of a tooth! This post definitely helped me. I know I am not alone, and you are so right when you said that the bad moments can make you completely forget the great ones. Thanks to you now I have a positive outlook on the day (hopefully my positiveness will last longer than the day lol)!!! Great post as always!!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Oh yes....how well I remember. Once I went outside and sat in the freezing cold in a lawn chair in the middle of winter just to have a few moments of peace! You will get through this and look back on it and actually smile. My 2 daughters are now grown and married. Somedays I almost wish for those crazy days back...You will note I said almost. Cindy

    ReplyDelete
  13. This post made me want to cry. Because I have yelled at my son a few times and he has asked for his daddy. Heartbreaking and it always makes me feel terrible. But us moms are not perfect!

    ReplyDelete
  14. I've read your blog for awhile but I rarely comment - however, I just felt your heart when you wrote this. Because mine feels the same. I pray for more grace for both of us today.

    ReplyDelete
  15. That's why I'm a gym member.

    When all else fails....go to the gym. Even if you don't workout. Drop them off at the child care center and drink your coffee.

    There have been many mornings when I've decided we HAVE to go to the gym today for my sanity. When they both are whining and fighting and it's only 6:45AM I CAN NOT wait until 8:00 when that child care center opens.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Oh mama we all have these days! You are wonderful!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Girl, you are not alone in this battle of motherhood. You have a strong army of mommy warriors battling in the trenches with you. Thank you for sharing your heart, it's not all sunshine and roses - that's for darn sure! Even on really, really good days...when my husband is in his busy seasons farming, when I'm single-momming it for weeks on end doing wake-times, cooking all meals, doing all bath times and bedtimes by myself...I want to run off and hide somewhere. The hard days are hard, but the good days make it all worth it! ::hug::

    ReplyDelete
  18. Oh! I could've written these same words time and time again. Scary mommy comes out more frequently than I'd like to admit, I find more so when I have expectations to get more done than is physically possible. Leaving work or my laptop alone when it's kiddo time, and saving all the crap that needs to get done for night or a weekend morning. Mothering is so damn hard! Why did we think, oh well this one kid is a freaking breeze... Lets have another. Than the shit really hit the fan. Why don't they tell us??? It's because all the good outweighs these horrible moments. You are a great mother! As my youngest will celebrate her 1st birthday in a few weeks I am aching to get started on finishing our family... But I'm going to hold out as long as I can. So I can try to get my mental shit together between now and the time that we become a party of five. Thanks for being so freaking honest. We're in it together. Cheers momma!!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Oh! I could've written these same words time and time again. Scary mommy comes out more frequently than I'd like to admit, I find more so when I have expectations to get more done than is physically possible. Leaving work or my laptop alone when it's kiddo time, and saving all the crap that needs to get done for night or a weekend morning. Mothering is so damn hard! Why did we think, oh well this one kid is a freaking breeze... Lets have another. Than the shit really hit the fan. Why don't they tell us??? It's because all the good outweighs these horrible moments. You are a great mother! As my youngest will celebrate her 1st birthday in a few weeks I am aching to get started on finishing our family... But I'm going to hold out as long as I can. So I can try to get my mental shit together between now and the time that we become a party of five. Thanks for being so freaking honest. We're in it together. Cheers momma!!

    ReplyDelete
  20. This made me cry because it made me remember the night I yelled at Quinn for not eating supper. I punished him, made him cry, and forced it in his mouth only to realize the next day the food had spoiled and that's why he didn't want it. I've never felt so terrible. Nobody warns you about stuff like this...

    ReplyDelete
  21. Here's to you for goin three years before wishing yourself away. I certainly did not last nearly as long. Mothering is no joke and certainly neither is this toddler thing. I have so been in this wishing away mindset lately. It's so hard when they (these toddlers) are so independent, ahem, that's a nice way to phrase that ;) I'm glad your husband was able to come to the rescue yesterday. Hoping today is better for y'all!

    ReplyDelete
  22. I had a day that sounds a lot like yours yesterday. I have 17 month old twin girls and they both woke up from naps in horrible, tantrum throwing moods. My patience was running thin and when one of them pulled the others hair combined with a huge scratch down the side of her face and both were screaming I lost it. I also sent The Hubby a text after 5 telling him to come home ASAP! The minute he walked in he took over and I got a much needed break....I came back about an hour later feeling guilty bc I knew I had a "bad" mothering moment. We all have those days girl and its nice to read this and know we aren't alone! Staying home is no joke and tests patience!! We just do the best we can and if all else fails hand them over to the Husbands and run :) hope you (and I) have better days!!

    ReplyDelete
  23. I feel you, AP! We all have those not so good days every once in a while, but at the end of the day, your babies know how much you love them :) I just wrote a post about "one of those days" a few days ago! http://meetthegills.blogspot.com/2013/05/one-of-those-days.html

    Hugs from one tired, sometimes-stressed out momma to another :)

    -SJ

    ReplyDelete
  24. Thank you. Thank you validating me as a human, mother, wife. I laugh and cry with you. I swear, we're the same person most days. You're a good mom. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  25. I wish myself away from my baby girl at least twice a week. She goes into nursery in July when I go back to work for 3 days a week and it cannot come soon enough! I certainly do not want to add another child to the mix! The other day I told my husband that I would easily swap lives with him and work away for a fortnight at a time which I know he hates (and I would not be able to do) because the baby had been crying and whinging for about 4 hours solid. I try not to feel guilty about wishing myself away as I love her very much but this mothering is bloody hard. It is definitely the reason why wine, rum and all other alcohols were invented. Don't beat yourself up, you are only human! Xxx

    ReplyDelete
  26. Been there, done the same thing, and as a working mom, feel just as guilty since I'm not home with Tommy all day and spending as much time with him as I would like. And I know it will probably happen again. I make it a teaching moment for both myself and Tommy when I go off the deep end. I make sure I apologize to him for my reaction, and you know what, he usually apologizes to me, sometimes before I get to say what I want to, for whatever resulted in my crazy reaction/outburst. He's old enough to know when he's out of line, since he's generally a really good kid.

    I know we beat ourselves up for our reactions and thougths sometimes, but yes, we are human, and the fact that we all try to have a little more patience the next time should be considered progress!

    ReplyDelete
  27. i just retured to work after being home for 3 months on maternity leave with a newborn and a 19 month old. All day every day. We have no help (family) close by. I didn't have any options other than to SHOW UP every day and JUST BE. My husband is a huge help but HE GOT TO GO TO WORK FOR THE LOVE! :) Being home those 3 months were the longest, hardest 3 months of my life. Somehow I can still say "i wouldn't trade it for the world" because honestly I wouldn't. I love my babies to the moon but holy cow I'm a better mother now that I'm back at work. A stay at home mom is truly the HARDEST job of all time. We all lose it. I lost it several times over those 3 months and I'm sure I still will. My husband just told me last night that I seem happier now that I'm back at work. Because honestly? I am. There i said it. I'm happier when I have a break from my kids. Does that make me a bad mom? No. And you aren't either!

    ReplyDelete
  28. I only fold laundry in the basement for this very reason. It's a chance to relax. It's very hard to demonstrate our number one rule, "We are kind" these days, because our three year old has the single ability to run me ragged by 7 am. :) The baby has no clue what's going on, but he doesn't like it when we yell, kid or adult. So I mutter, "We are kind" through gritted teeth and go fold laundry in the cellar. Much love, and go hang out with your washing machine. She's only half as needy and doesn't make messes.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Love this post. I am right there with you!

    ReplyDelete
  30. What a great and truthful post! I think the feelings you have are true for almost every mother out there. I work part time, and as much as I like my job, I think I really do it so that I can stay sane. It's hard being at home all of the time, but yet, when I'm work, I wish I was home with my little one. I don't think there's a perfect balance! Thanks for keeping it real!

    ReplyDelete
  31. Spot on, AP. I got so frustrated with the toddler today that I accidentally knocked his little head on the chair while putting him in time out. The baby is in his bed again because he still doesn't get that he'd be in a better mood if he'd just take a nap-or maybe that's me. Some days this mom business is exhausting.

    ReplyDelete
  32. I am reading this with tears in my eyes as my best friend and I just had a similar conversation yesterday. You are definitely not alone and I take comfort reading this knowing I too, am not alone! hugs to you - you are an awesome mom!

    ReplyDelete
  33. We've all been there. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar. Toddlers are frustrating little humans, and Mommies are only human as well. You're an amazing Mom, even in the moments you don't believe it.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Tears reading this! I so relate. And now, I DO have a job that takes me away & still have moments where I wish I had taken the long way home. I hate myself in those moments. But it's real. You're not alone, mama!

    ReplyDelete
  35. Girl... I hear you. Same thing happens to me. Sometimes when I lose it, I can almost see myself from a birds-eye-view, acting like this yelly-mom-person that surely isn't ME!? But kids are forgiving, you are NOT alone in how you feel, and we have the right to lose it occasionally.

    ReplyDelete
  36. I really appreciate your honesty. I have three small children under five and on many days I have had thoughts of running away, only to realize if I did run away, I would have to take them with me because I would miss them too much.

    ReplyDelete
  37. I feel your pain. All of it. And I do work outside the home. We could all use more grace. along with beer and hugs. Hang in there. He'll remember the good stuff.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Hugs lady. I've been there...numerous times. Taking a mommy time-out was really what you all needed. I've done that. But always remember, as the kids will, the good days always outweigh the bad

    ReplyDelete
  39. You are not alone. There is a picture in one of Jude's scrapbooks where my head is in my hands and I don't think I can take any more. My encouragement: hang in there. So thankful your hubs could come and relieve for awhile. When Jude was young I was a single mom. Sometimes with no relief in sight. But being a diligent parent is worth it. I love that you take time to discipline your children. All the seeds you are sowing and all the hard work will bear fruit in time and season.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Mama! I have been in this situation more times than I'd like to count. Being a mother is no joke! I just pray my boys don't remember "scary mama" years down the road! Lots of hugs to you mama! You're doing an AH-MAZ-ING job with your boys!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  41. i feel you and you are not alone. when my son was a baby, i would put him in his crib and step outside to not freak out. now i just sit him in front of the tv (if he will cooperate) and get some fresh air. i always feels guilty but sometimes they are too much...

    ReplyDelete
  42. Oh sweetie, many times I've tearfully apologized to a sleeping toddler or baby for poorly handling a situation. It sucks balls so hard sometimes. -gardenbaby on ig

    ReplyDelete
  43. Yep - been there. I said to my friends the other day that those crazy stories of mothers just running away and leaving their kids that we all thought was so insane? Totally get it now.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Lately I feel like this is everyday for us :-(

    Now that school is out the boys are together more which means fighting more and listening to me and the husband is just a thing they don't care to do.

    ReplyDelete
  45. I am so glad you wrote this! I was just telling a girlfriend this week that EVERYONE has these days! All Mommas and I think it is spectacular that you, with such a big audience and influence are cool enough to admit it and talk about it out loud! YAY for you. You have always been a badass!
    In other news, I have been reading this book "love & logic" to help me navigate this wild beast of a toddler and discipline and it has helped us alot, especially my mental state.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Feeling your pain. Some days are certainly better and go smoother than others! My four year old is really pushing my buttons and my 2 year old is quite a mess right now. Just in time for a newborn. Things are about to get a bit crazy this summer that's for sure.

    ReplyDelete
  47. I feel the same way most days. I wish I had some magical piece of advice that would help, but I don't. All I can do, on the very worst days, is remind myself that the kids eventually will go to bed and there will be peace and quiet. Even if only for a little while. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming!

    ReplyDelete
  48. oh yes, girl. I've definitely been there. it is hard stuff. deep breaths!

    ReplyDelete
  49. Oh dear bloggy friend.....I don't know where to begin. I don't have boys, which is harder. My youngest is only 3 weeks, which is still a lot easier. And yet....I feel you. I'm 3 weeks into maternity leave and I'm ready to get bak to work. Is that horrible? I dare not say it out loud for I do not wish to wish away these little moments but OMG WHY IS THIS SO FUCKING HARD?!

    ReplyDelete
  50. I swear I shed tears every time I read one of your posts! You say it all so well!

    ReplyDelete
  51. Oh mama, this breaks my heart! You ARE human, and you ARE a mom. So you are entitled to moments like this, as much as you regret them afterwards. I can react too harshly sometimes, thinking "Rhys, you know better than that!" But then he's just turned three, still learning so much! How could I be so hard on him? I think it's because our job as a Mom never ends. We never get a break, even if we're able to steal away moments to ourselves. Our hearts and our minds are always racing with thoughts, worries, and love for our children. You can't turn it off, so sometimes we get overworked and overheated. We've all been there!
    Chin up, grab yourself a few handfuls of grace and know that you are doing a FABULOUS job raising two beautiful boys. And they will always know how much you love them. No doubt about it. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  52. I had one of these moments last Monday when I had caught his bug from the weekend (that prevented me from seeing you!!!) He kept crying and wanting me to play and I felt just AWFUL and I just buried my face into a pillow and started to cry because I just wanted to run away!

    Like Diane said, I think it is because we never really get a break- we just can't turn motherhood off!

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for reading ILYMTC. If you have any questions about a post or want to get in touch with me (or any of the cast of characters here at ILYMTC) email me at iloveyoumorethancarrots(at)gmail(dot)com.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...