Wednesday, September 19, 2012

The Inevitable Public Meltdown.

I knew it would happen eventually. 

I mean, there are only so many outings I can make with both boys behaving approximately 75% like little angels. In case you were wondering, that other 25% I'm referring to? Well, that's just referring to the day I wanted to crawl into a hole and die, a day that we no longer talk about thank you very much.

Let's set the scene, shall we? It was just your regular ol' run of the mill rainy Tuesday. The boys and I had spent all morning exhausting both ourselves and our toy options as best we could when confined to the house. For Maclane, this meant he rotated between The Swing of Neglect and The Bouncy Chair of Desperation in between being subject to Tummy Time Torture. 

Just as Carter was donning a spit-up clad burp cloth cape, leaping from the couch armrest and narrowly missing landing on Maclane by a mere 3 inches, I knew we had to get out of the house. 

Our destination? Kohl's. Seems simple enough, right? After all, the only thing I needed to procure was a set of plain white onesies in size Gigantor for Maclane's monthly photo shoot.  Easy peasy. 

I pull up and park the car. Another store with the world's smallest godforsaken carts meant that I would have to wear Maclane in the Ergo and let Carter ride in the plastic cart seat, perfectly within arms reach of every single item of clothing on those lower retail racks. Splendid. 

Let's pause for a moment and talk about spitting rain. If it's going to rain, it might as well RAIN and not spit. If I'm going to get wet, just let me get wet. Don't mist all over me and have me feeling like a sweaty, sticky mess for the next twenty minutes. 

So there I am, in the spitting rain, loading Maclane into the Ergo (something he has loved the last 67 times I've done it) all the while practically yelling at Carter to "KEEP YOUR HAND ON THE TIRE" as he tries to dance all around the parking lot. 

Remind me why I thought this was a good idea? Oh, right. Couch Olympics. 

Grabbing his hand, we march off into the store and settle into a cart. Immediately Carter launches into a tirade of "choo choo? momma, choo choo? CHOO CHOO?" which means he might as well be saying, "woman, you dragged me out in this spitting rain storm, you best be buying me an overpriced Thomas the Train toy that I will only play with for .47 seconds before chucking it at my brother's head, if you know what's good for you."

And I don't. I don't know what's good for me because apparently I'm under the impression that he doesn't need another train and it's too bad any way because Mommy already spent this month's disposable income on craft shit for her Pinterest link-up.

We ride over into the kid's section and I grab the onesies. This would be when Mac's little foot starts sneaking down into the band of the Ergo. I re-position him. No dice. I un-clip and lift and adjust. He's still not comfortable. The squirming begins. 

Just like any other time I'm in a sea of baby clothes, I'm immediately distracted by stripes and sleepers and ohmygod baby velour and before I know it the squirms have turned into full-fledged WWF moves, all the while still attached to my chest. 

What's Carter doing? Oh, nothing more than filling his little plastic bucket seat with anything he can get his hands on. This includes but is not limited to two packs of Thomas big boy underwear, a pair of pink ruffled pants and a ruler. Where he managed to find a ruler, I have no idea. I don't even ask questions. 

As I run-walk ourselves to the front registers, I make sure to carefully disarm Carter of his newly acquired wares and stash them on display racks as we move. Maclane is now making rather loud sounds that are slightly reminiscent of a dying cat. 

And people are starting to stare. 

As I'm standing in line doing everything short of breaking out into song, I un-clip the Ergo letting the carrier-piece fall to hang so nicely down to my knees. Bouncing Maclane on my hip, we shimmy our way up to the open register. 

Maclane still sounds like a dying cat but worse. He sounds like 47 dying cats. I mean, it's bad. So bad that I have to ask the cashier to repeat herself anytime she asks me a question. 

What? No, I don't have a Kohl's charge. Bounce, dying cat screams, bounce bounce. 
What did you say? No, I don't want to open one. Torturous dying cat screams, bounce bounce. 

While Maclane is melting down and the cashier is asking me if I'd like to completely send my husband off the deep end by opening a Kohl's charge, Carter is unloading approximately 89 Kohl's gift cards into that godforsaken tiny plastic bucket seat. 

WHY ARE THE GODDAMN GIFT CARDS SO CLOSE TO THE INQUISITIVE HANDS OF GIANT TODDLERS?

Remember, Maclane is no longer strapped to me. The Ergo is dangling between my knees. I'm beginning to break out in hives.

And then the cashier asks, "Would you like to try some of our new perfume line?"

"LADY. PLEASE. DO I LOOK LIKE SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO TRY ON SOME FUCKING PERFUME? NO. I'M ALREADY WEARING EAU' DE BABY VOMIT. I'M LUCKY IF I GET TO SHOWER EACH DAY LET ALONE GET DRESSED. PERFUME IS RESERVED SOLELY FOR SPECIAL OCCASIONS, WHICH I CURRENTLY DO NOT SEE MUCH OF. BY THE WAY, DO YOU WANT A CHUBBY BABY? HE'S USUALLY NOT LIKE THIS."

I wish.

Instead, over the dying cat screams and the now wails of a toddler who just wants to touch one more gift card making his stash an even 90, I shout, "no thank you. I'm sorry for the mess," as I proceeded to wheel my motley bunch back out into the spitting rain.

33 comments :

  1. I have so much to look forward to =)

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  2. LOL I can picture this whole story playing out. Sometimes i stay in even when I really want to make that (insert store) trip because is know I'll be so tired-stressed-angry when I get home that it's not worth it. I wait till hubby gets home and them I can go in peace!!

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  3. WHY does that happen? Why do people want to chit-chat so much when they see you struggling? I will never understand this, for the life of me.

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  4. Haha!

    I love you AP. Dying cat Mac.

    Yes why?! Why do they put anything low for the kids to get to? I honestly don't think we should say sorry or pick up the store brought it on themselves. lol

    Freaking Kohls pumps stuff in the air to make kids act crazy.

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  5. Oh no! I can totally picture the dangling-to-your-knees Ergo whilst holding screaming baby. Sorry friend! I hope for nothing but clear skies in your future 'cause you have the worst luck on rainy days!! And with ignorant retail cashiers and managers!

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  6. I laughed outloud when you described Maclane's options of the morning "the swing of neglect, the bouncy chair of desperation, tummy time torture".

    I'm sorry it was a rough outting! But thank you for making me laugh. I hope today is a much better (meltdown free) day.

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  7. Laughing through this entire post - not AT you, of course - WITH you...you were laughing, right?

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  8. Laughing so hard! I can picture every bit of that! I've been there, only with one so I can imagine the feeling with 2! Help me Jesus! Hope today is marvy!

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  9. I die!!!! Seriously, you are the best storyteller EVER!!! Bless you!!!!!

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  10. Oh my gosh girl!! I'm dying. Dead. It's hysterical and sad all at the same time! I'm sorry!!

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  11. I can picture this outing very vividly. Cashier must not have been a parent. Ha.

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  12. Seriously laughing out loud. I was picturing all of this happening as you told it. Another fantastic day in the life of AP + her boys. Love it :)

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  13. Oh mama- I feel for you!! I hate when cashiers can't see the chaos and just let us moms get out of the store and attempt to regain sanity! So sorry it was such a rough day! Hugs!!

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  14. WHY is it that when you're in a hurry the cashiers want to sit and chit chat :) Love it!

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  15. AP you are so HILARIOUS! I just SO enjoyed this post!

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  16. I was stressed up to my eyeballs reading this, MAINLY because I can relate and the few trips I've gone out (even WITH my husband) have all felt like this. Which is why I just dread outings. Haha. And seriously? NO KOHLS CHARGE? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH MONEY YOU'LL SAVE?! ;)

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  17. I totally just opened a charge card. Those peeps are relentless :)

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  18. It's like the cashiers see you in distress and see your kids grabbing everything they can get their hands on and they read that as yes, this lady looks like she wants to chit chat about perfume, and donating to whatever cause it is this month, and have you joined our loyalty program you only have to fill out eleventy billion forms... in triplicate. Swipe my card and let me outta here, or I will turn my toddler on you.

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  19. dying. sounds like a freaking nightmare. Also? totally just opened up a charge at Kohls. oops!

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  20. Been there done that...not doing it again. Heck, who am I kidding I'm sure I will do it again.

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  21. I know we would be the best of friends solely for your storytelling capabilities. I love a good story, and this is certainly one of them.

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  22. It's always the times that M just wants.to run.around. that the cashier takes FOREVER and a day to get the transaction over with. So, I can't imagine two.

    You're brave.

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  23. I wish I read this post 9 months ago. Maybe I would have waited longer before having #2 ;)

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  24. I just had to comment, that was so me several weeks ago. And that is the reason I never go to Kohl's and stick to Target with the big shopping carts. The person who decided that those mini-carts at Kohls was a good idea had to be a man. There is just no other explanation !

    Hugs to you my friend for your crazy day!

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  25. I have to admit that this cracks me up and also makes me very fearful. I already have to say multiple prayers and pleads when I'm out with my 2 year old daughter. In March, baby #2 will be here and I am scared that I won't be able to leave the house by myself with them.

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  26. Why do people INSIST on their sales pitch when they can CLEARLY see that you're in over your head with your entourage? One time I was in Petsmart with our Great Dane, our boston terrier mutt, and our then 3 month old... and they were all going NUTSO, when this guy came up to talk about how beautiful the Hemingway was {the great dane} and then he talked my ear off {never ONCE offering to help corral the masses as the boston terrier jumped out of the cart} and then, after MINUTES of talking my ear off, he asked if I wanted to buy some crazy expensive brand of dog food. I was so freaking ticked off I couldn't see straight!

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  27. I swear to gosh I just laughed my ASS off.

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  28. I laughed through this! ONLY because I have been there more times than I can count! I have the "I swear they aren't usually like this" comments down along with the "if you don't sit your butt still, mommy's going to spank you in front of all these people" yelling whispers down.

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  29. I thought you were gonna finish with, 'Why yes, I'll take a squirt of perfume'... :)

    I love when perfect strangers say, 'your kids are so well behaved' and I'm thinking that could change in a SPLIT SECOND. ha

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  30. Tears are currently rolling down my face. But I'm laughing with you, ok?

    Why, when babies have meltdowns do people stare? Rude. Just plain rude.

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  31. I love this! However, this is exactly how I was with 1 baby... how the H am I going to handle two? I'm sweating just thinking about it!

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  32. omg something to look forward to with two? What I don't understand is how the people at the cash register don't recognize someone who is in a hurry and who is not going to be able to spend the extra 20 minutes to stand there and open an account for their card. Honestly, it's not like you're going to say yes so W T F.

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  33. I almost just peed my pants reading this. I have twins that are 14 months old- this is my life! So funny! You have a gift in writing!

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