Husbands. To Shop (Or Not To Shop) With Them?

We all know how much I love my darling husband. He usually graces just about every post that I write and not that I'm biased or anything, but I truly believe he's God's greatest gift to me.

I have to admit though, I love him a little less when we're at the mall together. It gets me EVERY time. Apparently I forget how god-awful the last experience was, because each time that I go, I beg and plead for him to come with me! Deep in my subconscious I know it's just so we can spend every waking minute together, but damn girl, I wish my subconscious would remind me why I shouldn't bring my husband to the mall in the first place! Let's revisit last Saturday's trip to one of the biggest malls in the country.

Having made weekly trips to this mall since the early 2000's (and everyone wonders why I chose Villanova University? Nursing program? Bah! Ginormous mall only 10 minutes away? Sign. me. up!) I know this mall like the back of my hand from every strategically placed kiosk to the locations of all my favorite stores to the nail salon that must move it's location at least once a season. I know it all.

I also know that one shouldn't be attempting to shop here on a Saturday- as the crowds en masse would deter even the most obsessive of shoppers. Since Hubs is only home on the weekends (more on that story later) I have to work with what I've got and I really needed an Easter dress and I really wanted Hubs' opinion. No problem, right?

Problem. It all started when we got in the car and I proceeded to drive "the long way." It wasn't necessarily the wrong or long way, but it wasn't the way Hubs would've gone. I'm a creature of habit and therefore, I drive the same roads over and over again- even if it means an extra traffic light or two. Hubs has this innate sense of faultless direction that I was never graced with- so this is usually a common quibble between us.

We arrive safely at the mall and I park in the lot closest to our first destination. JCREW. Now, JCREW doesn't usually tend to stock a lot of their dresses in-store but they very rarely let me down, so I assumed it was a sure bet.

Walking into the mall, the first store we pass is a MILAN diamonds store. Donny Downer, ahem, Hubs immediately says, "Really. Who is going to come to the mall to buy diamonds? Especially from that place? This is why I hate the mall."

Let me interject and say that my level of stress and anxiety regarding this mall trip is already at an all-time high. Not only did I have to battle throngs of oblivious women pushing baby strollers as if they were competing for a prize in the Daytona 500, but I also had to serpentine through the hoards of tourists and tweeny-boppers who like to come to the mall to do nothing more than dawdle and window shop. C'mon people! Wake up and step to it! Look lively! This girl is on a mission here!


As we walk into JCREW, Hubs and I go off to our own separate sides of the store. I never really gave much thought as to why department stores would segregate their men's and women's sections. I always just assumed it was to de-clutter and organize the clothes- but now I've finally realized why. It's so that husbands and wives can walk into a store together, husbands head off to their side of the store for a cleverly designed distraction while their wives shop for simple items at a cost that would only blow the minds of their male counterparts. Ingenious.

I don't even have to watch the direction Hubs walks in, as I already know it's immediately the way of the clearance section. I set off in search of the perfect little Easter dress and find myself growing more and more disappointed in the Spring lines that JCREW has set out. Where are all the cute tanks and shirts that I've dog-eared in the catalog? And the perfect little Easter dress that I've had my eye on? I knew they wouldn't have it in stores. Ah, but wait.. What beautiful piece of turquoise silk catches me eye? None other than the Garland cami I've been drooling over for months. Despite it's eighty dollar price tag, I swoop in a grab the last size four on the rack in my desired color. And the new matchstick jean? I mean, I've been dying to hop on the skinny-jean bandwagon and now's a good a time as any, right?

Sure, Saleswoman Barbara, I'll take a pair of those too. And I'm off to the fitting room.

"Hm. I'm actually in love with this outfit," I say outloud to myself, causing a few other faceless pairs of feet to giggle in the rooms around me. I dial Hubs' cell and direct him to the fitting room so I can get a second opinion. From a guy who's wife picks out all of his clothes. From a guy who never owned a pair of jeans until his freshman year of college. From a guy who's go-to colors consist of Navy, White and Grey. What was I thinking?

AP: Don't you love...
Hubs: What's going on around your neck, there?
AP: Huh? It's part of the shirt..
Hubs: Those things aren't even laying flat- there's some sticking up under your ear..
AP: You really don't like it, huh?
Hubs: And it's not very fitted.. I mean, it makes you look a little bit like (and here's where he breaks into song) "She's a brick houusssse."
AP: trying to stifle laughter and flushed cheeks Ok, what about the jeans?
Hubs: Going for the tapered look? No. Don't like them. I like the jeans you have at home. The closetful of jeans. In the guest room. Remember that closet?
AP: Sigh.

Ok. So for the first time in a long time, I struck out at JCREW. But in all honesty, I really did need a new pair of jeans. While on our walk to Nordstrom, which thankfully happened to be right across the way from JCREW (or else I don't think I could've coerced Hubs to come along), he fills me on the salesman assult he suffered while perusing a rack of khakis.

Hubs: I think that guy in there really liked me.
AP: Oh yeah? What makes you say that?
Hubs: He kept trying to help me.
AP: Honey, thats what salespeople do!
Hubs: Oh yeah? Did he tell you how great you'd look in a pair of pants? I tried to escape him by heading over to look at oxfords but he found me. He proceeded to tell me he owned that particular shirt in every color. And that he thought seafoam green would look great with my blonde hair and skin tone.
AP: Ok, that's a little weird for a guy, I guess?
Hubs: Seriously, why was he checkin' out my skin tone? I'm a dude!

Are you still with me? The is turning into quite the long post.. Go grab some lunch or a snack.. heck, go out and enjoy the GORGEOUS weather and come back later to read about The Great Jeans Fiasco of 2009 that resulted in Hubs being sent home from the mall... lovingly, of course!